Deus ex Marvela. The Elevator Pitch: “Think: BACK TO THE FUTURE meets STAR TREK IV – the Avengers travel back in time, to retrieve these McGuffins in the past that will fix things in the present.” And producer Kevin Feige asked, “Can it be wacky, like in BACK TO THE FUTURE where they’re sneaking around their past selves and suddenly … Read More
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1990
Shield us from this movie! They tried to fix Captain America in 1990. And failed a third time. During WWII, a young man named Steve Rogers is transformed into “Code Name: Captain America” through super soldier serum. Wearing a costume that looks suspiciously like my dominatrix’s bondage-rubber piss-suit, he battles a Nazi created with the same serum called the Red … Read More
ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL
The screen’s first super man. Uttering the mystical word, “SHAZAM!” young Billy Batson becomes the mighty Captain Marvel, using super powers to aid his archaeological expedition in fending off a villain called The Scorpion. It’s the world’s first superhero movie, with the world’s first comicbook superhero – Captain Marve—hang on a sec!—Isn’t Superman the world’s first comicbook superhero?! Yes, but … Read More
SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE
A kinetic new vision for the next generation of man-spider fans. Much like THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE is simultaneously ensconced in, and standing apart from, the Cinematic Universe its titular character inhabits, roaming freely in any entertaining direction it fancies, combining, referencing and cross-pollinating canon from its 56-year spectrum of spider-comics and spider-movie lore. As if … Read More
GLASS 2019
GLASS shatters… expectations! It’s like – broken glass; You get cut before you see it, So open up your eyes!… — Ronnie James Dio, “Stand Up And Shout” Things don’t always turn out the way you want them to, chillun! Not even for superheroes… The three protagonists from two previous M. Night Shyamalan thrillers gravitate toward one another like atoms … Read More
AQUAMAN 2018
Will make you wet. AQUAMAN graduates to jewel of the DC Comics universe, as it finds a perfect mix of action, humor, sex and surf. An American screenwriter’s dream come true, for its fishy foreshadowing and porpoiseful payoffs (couldn’t resist!); an origin story and a high sea adventure, an undersea war and a touching family redemption. It’s got everything, from … Read More
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1944
Oh Captain, Why Captain? No super soldier serum, no World War II, no wings on his cowl, no military experience, no Steve Rogers – NO SHIELD! Is this even Captain America? In this 1944 15-part serial for Republic Pictures, the titular American superhero battles a villain called The Scarab, who dabbles in mind-control, and wants to get his hands on … Read More
ANT-MAN AND THE WASP
Quantum Cop-Out! ANT-MAN AND THE WASP cops out on its grandest concept – the quantum realm! In ANT-MAN (2015), Dr. Hank Pym warned Ant-Man not to turn off his regulator, for fear of shrinking too small and entering the Quantum Realm, “…where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant as you shrink for all eternity.” The key phrase – … Read More
ANT-MAN
Ants with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads! Who woulda thought OUR IDIOT BROTHER would become a superhero? Paul Rudd is the eminently likable yet totally miscast lead in Marvel’s ANT-MAN, a movie with excitement as small as its titular hero. Master electrician and not-so-master burglar Scott Lang (Rudd) is recruited by reputable scientist Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) to … Read More
AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
The Mundane Magic of Marvel. Everyone dies. The End. Audience gape in shock as Star-Lord fade to ashes [ooo-spoilers!], gnash their teeth when T’Challa float away on breeze, cry in anguish as Spider-Man say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…” But all we have to do is glance at imdb to see that sequels to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, … Read More
THOR: RAGNAROK
Comedy of Errors. THOR: RAGNAROK finds almighty Asgard, the Realm of the Gods, annihilated, as foretold by prophecy older than time. Oh, and Thor becomes a standup comedian. Bathos, noun: an abrupt and often ludicrous transition from the elevated to the ordinary; the sudden appearance of the commonplace in otherwise elevated matter or style. — Google dictionary. In the most … Read More
BLACK PANTHER
Black EmPantherment. “Millions of years ago,” Movie narrates to us, “a special effects meteorite made of vibranium – the strongest substance in the universe – struck the special effects continent of Africa. Five special effects arms rise from the soil to represent the Five Tribes that would form the special effects country of Wakanda. A special effects panther god named … Read More
ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN
Fruiterman! Superman must defeat his greatest arch-enemy, Luthor, and constantly save the only two people in the world, Lois and Jimmy. ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN is a 15-part Columbia serial, directed by Spencer Bennet (who also directed the precursor serial, SUPERMAN, in 1948, and also helmed Columbia’s other superhero property, BATMAN AND ROBIN, in 1949). As with all the Columbia … Read More
FANTASTIC FOUR 1994
It’s Knobberin’ Time! Four scientist friends are bathed in the rays of a meteor and attain fantastic powers, none of which was the power to say no to appearing in this dungheap film. FANTASTIC FOUR is a contractual mishap, hurriedly made so that Constantin Film could retain the rights to the Fantastic Four comicbook characters from Marvel Comics. Marvel, in … Read More
SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN
Wholly Mole-y. The first feature-length DC Comics superhero film, SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE-MEN is a theatrical pilot for the ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN television series. Starring George Reeves as Superman/Clark Kent and Phyllis Coates as Lois Lane, MOLE-MEN, hampered by low budget and second-rate writing and direction, is a snoozefest, with a social message of tolerance that is no doubt lost … Read More
SUPERMAN 1948
Justice has a new Panty—I mean, Face! The first live action Superman! Long before Christopher Reeve became the face of Superman in 1978’s SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, peering from the distant past comes Kirk Alyn in the 1948 Columbia serial, SUPERMAN. Doughy visitor from another planet, Alyn was faster than a prancing ballerina, more granny-pantied than a locomotive, able to bring … Read More
JUSTICE LEAGUE
The League of Extraordinary Superpeeps. Nobody should come to the movies unless he believes in heroes. — John Wayne. An interstellar villain tries to destroy Earth, but is vanquished with punching and computer jargon, by a fresh clique of supers called the JUSTICE LEAGUE. Batman (grizzled Ben Affleck) recruits The Aquaman (warrior Jason Momoa), and Barry Allen not-yet-called The Flash … Read More
SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING
This ain’t your daddy’s underoos… SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING follows the retconned Peter Parker in his quest to become Tony Stark’s bottom bitch. It’s one of the best superhero movies of the modern era, capturing the tone, humor and desires of its hero perfectly. But is nobody going to protest the blatant retroactive continuity on Spider-Man’s suit? I guess not, because experiencing … Read More
WONDER WOMAN 2017
Superman in a bra. Thighs shaved smoother than a cucumber. Cupid-bow lips. Armored breast. Screenings for Lesbians Only. The first ever feature film for the DC superhero WONDER WOMAN has already caused its fare share of controversy and orgasm. It seems as if critics are only lauding this Patty Jenkins-directed film for fear of retribution from the female gender, and … Read More
BATMAN AND ROBIN 1949
Thrills! Mystery! Man-Panty! Batman Returns! For the first time. Six years after Columbia Pictures’ success with THE BATMAN (1943), they release a sequel, another serial of 15 chapters called BATMAN AND ROBIN. And all cloth cosplay breaks loose. Robert Lowery plays Batman/Bruce Wayne (looking like Victor Mature), and Johnny Duncan plays Robin/Dick Grayson (and we can’t quite figure whether he … Read More