GREEN LANTERN

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the 50-foot foreheads. The main qualification for being a Green Lantern is to have No Fear. Oh, and a high forehead. What’s with all the giant foreheads in GREEN LANTERN? Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern’s forehead – and I must say, the perfect visual representation of the DC Comics ring-bearer; the great Mark Strong (SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009) is … Read More

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KICK-ASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cuddly Carnage. “Okay, you cunts. Let’s see what you can do now!” Call me damaged goods, but I’m in love with Hit-Girl. And if her challenge above is how we approach every moviegoing experience, the moment 11-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz (as Hit-Girl) utters that taunt, the movie proves itself an irreverent, unrepentant, ruthless runaway rocket. In my pants. Based on … Read More

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SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE

Poffy The Cucumber

When super boy scouts bring peacenik fascism. How sad. The last SUPERMAN movie with the most famous Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). Since arriving from Krypton in 1978, Reeve became the acknowledged Superman due to – or despite – the SUPERMAN franchise. The producers of the franchise, Alexander and Ilya Salkind, let him down like an ape from the … Read More

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SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT

Poffy The Cucumber

The Donner Party. “KNEEL BEFORE EDITING!” It’s SUPERMAN II in Donner Vision! Released on DVD in 2006 on the strength of fan uproar, THE RICHARD DONNER CUT is better than the Richard Lester debacle. But not by much. The overarching tale is the same: as Superman relinquishes his powers to play patticake with Lois Lane, three supervillains from Krypton terrorize … Read More

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SUPERMAN III

Poffy The Cucumber

The Last Gasp of the Last Son of Krypton. It’s a Richard Pryor movie starring Superman. No, it’s a Superman movie starring Richard Pryor. Whatever it is, no one’s taking SUPERMAN III seriously. Richard Pryor’s performance is the only credible meat in this debacle, which features the relatively new concept of “computers” being utilized for eeeevil, and with a subplot … Read More

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IRON MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Stark. The first IRON MAN movie was a planet-crusher. IRON MAN 2, well, maybe it could crush a small moon or something. It’s still a full-fledged, fun-filled ferrous romp, but, like all superhero sequels, suffers from cramming us with characters and classic storylines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way … Read More

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BATMAN FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight. After Tim Burton gave us the brooding BATMAN (1989) and the dark-yet-kinda-silly BATMAN RETURNS, he relinquished the director’s chair to Joel Schumacher, who promptly made Batman fruitier than Adam West. In BATMAN FOREVER, the third installment of the modern Batman legacy, Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero … Read More

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MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Heroine. Luke Wilson sells this film. MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND has Ivan Reitman (GHOSTBUSTERS) directing, a solid comedy writer from THE SIMPSONS, Don Payne, Rainn Wilson at the top of his game and Eddie Izzard at the middle (though still attaining the standard of low-bar American comedians); it also has Uma Thurman looking hot – as a super heroine AND … Read More

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X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Claws I Said So. What amazes about that boy Wolverine is that over a century of storied adventures, traveling the world, fighting numerous battles, through changing trends and technological advances, he manages to keep that same funky Astro Boy hairstyle. I’ve lost track of all the “authorized” Marvel Comics origin tales and “official” timelines of Wolverine/Logan, although I remember enough … Read More

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ZOOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Dumber Than a Speeding Bullet. This movie made me weep with emotion. I had no idea a movie could be THIS FREAKIN’ BAD. Oh, of course – Chevy Chase is in it. ‘Nuff said. Tim Allen is retired superhero Zoom (think: The Flash as a doughy guy), called back into service by the secret government agency (aren’t they all?) that … Read More

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WATCHMEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! And the fanboys whine like bitches. The “unfilmable” graphic novel, WATCHMEN – has been filmed! Cry the beloved comicbook and let slip the dogs of nihilism. WATCHMEN is epic and sexy and bloody; sensual and visceral and brutal; more than a comicbook, more than a messianic cry of madness; flamboyant costumed heroes, … Read More

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THE DARK KNIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Do not go gentle into that good knight… Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. – Dylan Thomas If Batman is the untamed world, The Joker is the unbalanced world. THE DARK KNIGHT tells us humanity lives somewhere in between. … Read More

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HANCOCK

Poffy The Cucumber

Upping the Ante on Anti-Heroes. Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane!… It’s a drunk. Mr. Fourth-of-July-Blockbuster (Will Smith) is HANCOCK (named after the epithet for signatures), endowed with all the powers of SUPERMAN, sans the gay … Read More

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THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Poffy The Cucumber

Hulk Movie – Smash! Don’t make him… hungry! You wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry… Bill Bixby’s infamous caveat, once again comically bastardized. In Ang Lee’s HULK (2003), Eric Bana delivered it in Spanish at movie’s end; now in 2008, Edward Norton delivers pidgin Portuguese – badly. Neither a sequel nor an origin tale, THE INCREDIBLE HULK is an adrenalized … Read More

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IRON MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Man of Steel, Ethics of Plastic. IRON MAN is a steel-belted planet-crusher of a film; alloy feet on the ground, red-and-gold armor streaking for sub-orbital skies. Based in a reality close to current, like the shrapnel lodged in Tony Stark’s chest, we feel it close to our heart… technology, physics, corporate backbiting, intimate asides… and a self-made hero that speaks … Read More

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FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Poffy The Cucumber

More FOUR Bore. There’s something about the Fantastic Four that’s not all that fantastic: it’s called acting.Had to spin Joe Satriani’s Surfing with the Alien before spanking this review – ‘twas the only way I was gonna cyber-charge the cells after watching the soporific, yet tenuously linked FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. As some of you 80s steel-belted … Read More

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FANTASTIC FOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

Fourscore Bore. Four scientists and a rich guy use Movie Excuse Number Seven to go up in the rich guy’s space station where they are all engulfed in Movie Convention Number Twelve (see “cosmic storm”) which gives them super powers. While using Movie Explosions Numbers Six through Twenty-Four, a story emerges as the Four scientists turn into Movie Stereotype John … Read More

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THE INCREDIBLES

Poffy The Cucumber

Puts the “in” credible. In every review of THE INCREDIBLES it has become a refrain: “This movie could have worked as well in real life.” Big Bob Parr (voice of Craig T. Nelson) is a cone-shaped mountain of a guy, an ex-superhero doing time as a layperson in a world gone small – from his office cubicle to his aspirations. … Read More

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SPIDER-MAN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Really Swingin’. What an adventure! SPIDER-MAN 3 is a swingin’ soiree; a chill-er thriller ladykiller that tops both its previous incarnations with smooth-headed, web-spangling adventure and vibrant, flesh-colored emotion. Heroes tainted by evil, villains infused with poignancy, lovers circling in triangles and Topher Grace as the meanest metrosexual this side of AMERICAN IDOL. Writer-director Sam Raimi bats it out of … Read More

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BATMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Part Noir, Part Comicbook, All Knight. Who knew MR. MOM could make such an awe-inspiring, vigilante crimefighter? With gadgets formulated from watching Martha Stewart, a cape hewn from a reconditioned wooby and an unsurpassed knowledge of daytime soaps, Michael Keaton squeezed his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to become the Sean Connery of Batmen. Arguably … Read More

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