The Winner That Became a Winner. Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan) is the Heavyweight Champion of the World. He retires. Someone else wins the title. So he UN-retires to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World again, winning a fight that he never had to enter. Where’s the journey? The plot of CREED III seems… inconsequential. Of course, the screenwriters … Read More
ESCAPE PLAN
Rocky and Terminator: Retirement Plan. A man who analyzes prison weaknesses by escaping from them is imprisoned in one of his own creations by people who want him disappeared. Now he’s gotta do it for reals! Former rivals, now old pals, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up in ESCAPE PLAN, a brawling actioner that never strays too far from … Read More
THE SUICIDE SQUAD 2021
When Wrongs Make Right. What makes DC’s THE SUICIDE SQUAD of 2021, different from their 2016 movie of the almost same name, SUICIDE SQUAD? Well, many more things than just THE – R-rated, deeper characterization, rapscallion director, premium swearing, delicious gore, and moral ambiguity right up the chocolate starfish. Written and directed by James Gunn, it’s better in many ways … Read More
RAMBO: LAST BLOOD
Going out with a hammer, not a whimper… Mexican pimps. Rambo kill. The End. When distilled down to its essence, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster. I guess we can’t fault a Rambo movie for being a quintessential Rambo movie. If we’re … Read More
CREED II
Leveling Off instead of Gonna Fly Now, OR, The Nanny that became a Fifth Wheel. “You can’t win, kid!” “I’m gunna win!” He doesn’t win. “You fought for the wrong reason!” Training montage. Kid wins. For the right reason. Uh, to get a concussion? The mixed messages come like a roundhouse to the chin in CREED II, the bastard child … Read More
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2
Badness and Sadness on the Superhero Superhighway. It’s like that rock star yell: “Are you having a good time?” And despite the mistakes, the bad harmonies, the hot sweat, the elbows in your groin, you scream back, “YEAH!” Because the energy of the performance and the sincerity of your heroes make the journey worthwhile. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL.2 captures … Read More
ROCKY V
The Patriot that became a Senior Citizen. ROCKY V is the ALIEN 3 of Rocky Movies. Back to basics. It’s about Heart. And it’s about Family. Rocky’s enduring heart. And his struggles to understand his family outside the boxing arena. Facing potential brain damage from his last fight with Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) begrudgingly retires. Piling … Read More
ROCKY IV
The Gangbanger that became a Patriot. ROCKY IV is a montage of montages. And some boxing. Drago cometh. Montage. Drago breaketh Apollo. Montage. Rocky cryeth. Montage. Rocky traineth in snow. Montage. Rocky fighteth. For America! Montage. Rocky winneth. Hooray! Rocky brings democracy to Russia! Montage. Russian soldier-turned-boxer Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) is brought to the United States by politicians from … Read More
ROCKY III
The Pussy that became a Gangbanger. I pity the fool that takes ROCKY III seriously. ROCKY III is the STAR TREK IV of Rocky Movies. The most glitz and glam-blammo, with a story so basic your dog could have written it; the most color and muscles and shouting – and definitely the most fun! Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) must defend … Read More
ROCKY II
The Stallion that became a Pussy. The giant title floats across screen – ROCKY II –and we are assaulted with the visual of two men beating each other to death. Blood, eyes swollen shut, back-sweat and bruising, bone pounded, ears cauliflowered, cutting an eye open, nose broken – what kind of christian crucifixion torture-porn am I looking at? Oh, it’s … Read More
ROCKY
The Underdog that became a Stallion. That epic fanfare, a giant name floats across screen – ROCKY. Movie opens in elation, as we fly with Bill Conti’s soon-to-be-immortal theme, Gonna Fly Now, and then suddenly comes crashing to Earth– — a small-time boxing match, a pudgy, young and decidedly graceless boxer belts it out with a bigger truck of a … Read More
GRUDGE MATCH
Raging Rocky. It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community. It’s old versus older in a rampage to the replaced hip… Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro square off as old – and I do mean old – boxing rivals who ended their careers unbeaten, except by each other – once each! Now, thirty years later, … Read More
CREED
Apollo’s CREED, OR, The Child Beater that became a Nanny. When Apollo Creed’s son, Adonis, seeks out Rocky Balboa to train him in CREED, there’s only one thing Rocky can do – become Mickey. Sylvester Stallone takes on the role that made Burgess Meredith famous – cantankerous old fart who trains a contender. It’s a strange animal, this CREED, about … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 3
The Dependable Cliché-ables. Sylvester Stallone buys a book from amazon.com called 1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie). Then he writes THE EXPENDABLES 3. DEPENDABLE CLICHÉ: Break an old team member out of jail. Barney Ross (Stallone), leader of the ragtag mercenary guerilla group The Expendables (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Terry … Read More
DEATH RACE 2000
Disco Death. David Carradine can always claim that he once beat up Rocky! Grasshopper versus Balboa in a battle to the ketchup. After Carradine’s KUNG FU and before Sylvester Stallone’s ROCKY, the two renowned pugilists would clash in this DEATH RACE 2000 where arts were not martial, the most famous boxer was still Muhammad Ali, and acting was optional. It’s … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 2
This time it’s Poisonal! THE EXPENDABLES 2 finds the sinister Church (Bruce Willis) sending his obviously irreplaceable team The Expendables (led by Sylvester Stallone) on a mission into some war-torn country with rebels or something, to get something-something from a crashed plane for the purpose of something-something. It doesn’t matter. The Expendables complete this mission within ten minutes. Now they … Read More
BULLET TO THE HEAD
Bullets On The Brain. BULLET TO THE HEAD is Sylvester Stallone in Gritty Tragic Mode, an old-school hitman named Jimmy Bonomo, whose partner is killed by a mercenary after what should have been a regulation whacking. On the other side of the tracks, a cop’s partner is killed by the same merc in what should also have been a regulation … Read More
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
Blood and Thunder or Thud and Blunder? Muscles and bullets and man-sweat. Big hair, big guns and big pecs. Americans rewriting history and Vietnamese so stereotyped it’s more racist than a Republican Tea Party rally. It’s RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, the improbably named and impossibly bland sequel to the solid FIRST BLOOD. Sylvester Stallone returns as Johnny Rambo, the … Read More
FIRST BLOOD
The OTHER Rocky. Hey, all you skatepunks and facebookers and under-30 neo-hippies: you know that word “Rambo” that you toss around to describe tough guys? It’s an unquestioned part of modern worldwide vernacular: you use it as sarcasm, insult or deflective compliment; newscasters use it to sprinkle their reports with humor; sociologists use it to identify unnecessary brutality; the word is … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES
The Man Show. Ladies, don’t go near this movie if you don’t want to get pregnant. Sylvester Stallone and his man-team infiltrate a junta compound to rescue a chick. Explosions. Gunfire. Wrestling matches. Man-banter. Big explosions. Then some bigger explosions. Then an explosion so big it will rattle the testosterone right out of your ballsac and into the nearest female’s … Read More
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