Don’t Get Old, Get Evil. Two young children visit their grandparents for the first time. And smell death. Uh, wait – that’s pretty normal. Two children visit their grandparents for the first time – and find soiled adult diapers! … Well, uh, still pretty normal. Two children visit their grandparents for the first time. And see vomiting and dementia. Still … Read More
ARRIVAL 2016
Mind Encounters of the Close Kind. Unless I’m mistaken, she’s stuck in a time-loop, where extra-terrestrials, having arrived, affect her past, present and future… How do we say Hello? And how do we tell the stupid people of Earth to butt out of the conversation? ARRIVAL is an intelligent science fiction Möbius strip that speculates on the first contact between … Read More
ALIEN 3
One Singular Serration… One maximum security prison planet. One xenomorph extra-terrestrial alien. Let the screaming begin. That no one can hear you doing in space… And well I should bastardize the original slogan for the original ALIEN (1979). After the shotgun-sequel ass-klownery of James Cameron’s ALIENS (1986), with hundreds of hissing, cavorting aliens cluttering the frame, the filmmakers of ALIEN … Read More
NON-STOP
A particular set of thrills. An air marshal must stop a mysterious texting terrorist carrying out his threats to kill one person every 20 minutes. And sending poo emojis. The airplane thriller NON-STOP is, in fact, non-stop thrills, with Liam Neeson plying his intensity as air marshal Bill Marks (basically a reprise of his role as Bryan Mills, special forces … Read More
THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS
A Bridge Too Roar. In 1898 Kenya, the construction site of a railway bridge over the Tsavo River is terrorized by two man-eating lions so vicious and elusive they become known as THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS. Lt. Col. John Paterson (Val Kilmer, high off TOMBSTONE and BATMAN FOREVER) is sent to the stricken Uganda-Mombasa Railway work site (by financier … Read More
EUROPA REPORT
Moon Struck. The first manned mission to Europa, Jupiter’s fourth-largest and most famous Galilean moon, seeking the suspected oceans of water beneath its icy crust, seeking organisms that may be emitting the heat signatures that NASA discovered, but mainly seeking to overcome that annoying “found footage” feeling. Fucking found footage. These days, every indie movie with great ideas and no … Read More
THE SIGNAL
Bending new boundaries with classic old tropes. Two young computer hackers discover a third hacker is sending them enigmatic messages. Chasing down the origin of THE SIGNAL will shatter their reality; will shatter even the concept of what reality is. THE SIGNAL is a dynamite sleeper; a spellbinding tale of extra-terrestrial communication in this modern age. There had to eventually … Read More
THE LAZARUS EFFECT
Dead on Arrival. THE LAZARUS EFFECT, about a team of scientists trying to bring people back from the dead, ironically loses its effect when the person brought back from the dead starts killing people. Talk about wasted opportunity! In the grand tradition of PET SEMATARY and FLATLINERS, documentarian David Gelb (on his first feature) directs a movie that thrums with … Read More
THE FLY
Insect Aside. A scientist accidentally mixes his genes with a fly – and DOESN’T become a superhero! THE FLY is classic science fiction poetry in motion: Tampering in God’s Domain and Paying the Price / Radiation Causing Monstrosity / Aloof Scientist Experiments on Himself / Forbidden Technology must be Wiped Out… An intriguing and terrifying thriller, from the days when … Read More
AREA 51
Some footage should just stay unfound… I… HATE hand-held camera movies! Makes me sick. Literally. I’m nauseous watching these idiot characters filming every single second of their narcissistic lives with Irritating Shaky Cam. A “found-footage” film, AREA 51 joins a growing list of Irritating Shaky Cam movies that RUIN – d’you hear me, filmmakers? – RUIN any story the film … Read More
THE LAST DAYS ON MARS
Martian Cold War. Life not as we know it takes down a Martian expedition. It’s a cold, people. Bacteria. Great, and I forgot to pack the Vicks Vaporub… THE LAST DAYS ON MARS boldly breaks conventions even whilst being one big convention. Within the framework of this clichéd thriller, writers Sydney J. Bounds and Clive Dawson, and director Ruairi Robinson … Read More
EX MACHINA
True Intelligence is only an artificial heartbeat away. Somewhere between conscious and unconscious, somewhere between nature and nurture, somewhere between tits and ass, lies… EX MACHINA. Young computer programmer Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson,UNBROKEN) wins a contest to spend a week with reclusive company boss Nathan (Oscar Isaac, INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS) the inventor of the world’s largest search engine, Bluebook. Flown out to … Read More
INTERSTELLAR
Odyssey Three: When Surfer Dudes Boldly Go… In his 2014 Oscar speech, Matthew McConaughey told us his hero was “himself, in ten years’ time.” Everyone thought he was a narcissistic jackass. Until INTERSTELLAR, when he travels to the future through a wrinkle in time and meets – himself! Standing lofty on the shoulders of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and CONTACT, … Read More
SUDDENLY 2013
Suddenly Unnecessarily. SUDDENLY is the 2013 remake of the 1954 Frank Sinatra film of the same name. But while the 1954 original is a treatise on guns and war and their effects on society, this 2013 remake is a moronic action movie created specifically to give erections to Republicans. Any wonder – it’s directed by Uwe “Toilet” Boll, the groovy … Read More
SUDDENLY
Suddenly Moral Ambiguity. An assassination attempt on the president of the United States – by Ol’ Blue Eyes! In a bucolic American town named SUDDENLY, three men posing as FBI take a residential family hostage, using the family’s house as a vantage point to assassinate the president. Frank Sinatra (FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, 1953) is John Baron, the crazy-eyed leader … Read More
REVENGE OF THE CREATURE
Bad Moviemakers Strike Again. There’s not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking movie viewers. Scientists led by John Agar capture the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and bring him to civilization to “train” him. And kill him. Called the “Gill Man” by the tourists and sightseers that call themselves “scientists,” the creature … Read More
YOU’RE NEXT
Killing for Dummies. Assassins of a rich family find that one of their intended victims is conveniently a “survivalist” who can kick their assasses. You know how those Fosters beer commercials make Australians look really tough? Or in the Aussie vernacular: “mike Aussies look rooly as tough as”? Turns out they’re true! In the stereotypical slasher-porn flick YOU’RE NEXT, Aussie … Read More
HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET
The Blondes At The End Of The Boobs. From all appearances, HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET looks like your conventional thriller about the suspicious outcast across the street that could be a murderer or child molester, or worse. Like maybe a Republican. Rumors, sexual tension, “he’s really a sweet guy, just misunderstood…” In the end, it is a … Read More
GODZILLA
Tampering in Godz domain… Giant monster terrorizes Tokyo. From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America… People think they know Godzilla. Even you think you know Godzilla. No, you don’t. That … Read More
IN TIME
Money Is Time Is Life. Time is money. Time is life. Time is everything IN TIME; a prescient concept underlying an enjoyable actioner that seems urgently plausible because we’re actually living it now. Justin Timberlake stars as Will Salas in this ingenious thought experiment by writer-director Andrew Niccol (LORD OF WAR), where people are genetically engineered to live until 25, … Read More