13

Poffy The Cucumber

Target Malpractice. A man down on his luck accepts an invitation to make big money – and inadvertently finds himself the 13th gunman in an underground Russian Roulette game. “13” sets up the clichéd premise immediately: electrician Vince Ferro (Sam Riley) needs money for his dad’s operation. While he is busy connecting wires at a client’s home, he overhears the … Read More

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GRAVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

GRAVITY is all force, no weight. Isaac Newton can at last rest easy in the grave he’s been turning in since STAR WARS brainwashed everyone into thinking it was a space movie even whilst failing to exhibit one iota of any attribute of being in space. GRAVITY showcases Newton’s laws of gravitation and physics in magnificent ubiquity. It’s as close … Read More

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ELYSIUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Paradise by the Gashed Gored Light. Elysium (Elysian Fields), Greek mythology: 1) Paradise reserved for heroes to whom the gods had granted immortality. Separate from the realm of Hades, admission was initially reserved for mortals related to the gods. Later, it expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous and heroic. 2) a state or place of perfect … Read More

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JACK REACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Reaching For Grate-ness. The name is from a series of books by author Jim Grant (pseudonym Lee Child); even so, casting Tom Cruise as a character called JACK REACHER is just asking for the inevitable gay gags, like Jack Reacharound. And what kind of epicness was Grant aiming for anyway? Did he want big chords every time someone said the … Read More

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THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Poffy The Cucumber

A Hip New Reason for Tired Old Slayings. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is about four painfully pretty college kids (and one Shaggy) being slasher-slain by zombies at said cabin. Seen it all before, right? But there’s a twist: the cabin is a front for a religious cult, who are in the business of luring college kids to this technologically … Read More

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FLIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A career ruined by alcohol, a movie ruined by Alcoholics Anonymous. FLIGHT opens with a tit, a drink, a smoke and a bump. This movie is gonna be… Absolutely Awesome! Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington) wakes in a hotel room with a solid “9” (Nadine Velazquez), who nonchalantly goes about nakedly lighting a cig and finding her clothes. Whip answers his … Read More

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KNOWING

Poffy The Cucumber

Not Knowing what’s coming next. Astrophysicist John Koestler (Nicolas Cage) discovers a page of handwritten numbers from a 50-year-old time-capsule opened at his son’s school, figuring out that they are dates when disasters occurred. Some of the dates have yet to arrive. Shades of numerology, CONTACT, Revelations, ANCIENT ALIENS, Chariots Of The Gods?, writers Ryne Douglas Pearson, Juliet Snowden and … Read More

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HORSEMEN

Poffy The Cucumber

HORSEMEN’s revelation is its downfall. Galloping over dell and dale comes HORSEMEN, one of those derivative films that makes you wish you were watching some of the films it was derived from. Music video director Jonas Åkerlund (Metallica, Madonna) helms this murder mystery surrounding bizarre torture-killings, involving Biblical messages, horrifying surgical procedures on conscious victims, custom-designed bondage devices and a … Read More

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THE RELIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Horror Movie Handbook meets Callous Director. Another good scientific story sacrificed to Hollywood’s Lowest Common Denom. THE RELIC finds a field researcher dabbling in tribal drugs on the dark continent shipping a crate containing a strange fungus back to his lab at the Chicago Natural History Museum. Also in the crate is a relic of an ancient god that could … Read More

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THE GREY

Poffy The Cucumber

Monsters Within and Without. Liam Neeson takes the shortcut through the woods – and meets the Big Bad Wolf. THE GREY finds Neeson as a sharpshooter/hunter for an arctic oil company, keeping the feral wolves at bay from drilling sites. The opening sequence sets up what a thoughtful movie experience this will be, as Neeson shoots down a wolf in … Read More

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THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Of gods and mothmen. Big moth. Big mystery! THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES is a well-directed, original psychological thriller about a stranger (Richard Gere) in a small town who is driven almost mad with disembodied voices warning of danger, all the while hearing tales around town from reputable witnesses, of an eight-foot tall “Mothman” that could somehow be connected to the prophecies. … Read More

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BURIED

Poffy The Cucumber

Grave Trouble. Primal Fear time! One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here! An ingenious piece of filmmaking! Taken as a thought experiment, as a Hitchcockian mystery, as a suspense thriller, as an intense gutshock drama, BURIED – to borrow from a breezy Clint movie – will turn you Every Which Way But Loose. Ryan Reynolds … Read More

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RED RIDING HOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Lycan-nope. My, what big eyes Amanda Seyfried has! RED RIDING HOOD is a reimagining of the children’s tale about the talking wolf that eats grandmother. What better way to represent an anthropomorphized lupine than making it – a WEREWOLF? As this mysterious werewolf stalks a medieval village, we constantly ask ourselves, “Why don’t I feel any foreboding or tension? Why … Read More

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DREAMCATCHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Same Shit Different Director. So why is it that films made from Stephen King’s stories turn out, for the most part, to be movies that look as if they’d been chiseled out of Silly Putty by escapees from the Home For the Terminally Inept? — Harlan Ellison, Oct 1984, “In Which We Scuffle Through The Embers” (Magazine of S&SF). DREAMCATCHER … Read More

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THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

Poffy The Cucumber

The Unbearable Rightness of Being. They make sure the world is running to The Plan. They’re THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and they’re watching Matt Damon’s every move. And adjusting it. All while wearing bad hats. Damon is Congressman David Norris, on a campaign engine steaming to the White House. Then he meets a girl. From Helen of Troy to the chick … Read More

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THE BLOB

Poffy The Cucumber

The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich. When I saw THE BLOB as a young kid, it was terrifying. I didn’t care about the tepid acting, the simple, linear storyline, and especially didn’t notice any subtexts of Sex Equals Death, or Not All American Teen Hooligans Are Bad. And who the hell was Steve McQueen? Now, well, the pulsing strawberry jelly representing … Read More

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11:14

Poffy The Cucumber

A Time to Ill. An ingenious tripwire thriller, where a series of unrelated events all come together in the wrong place at the wrong time – 11:14 pm. Writer-director Greg Marcks crafts 11:14 like a master weaver of spells, throwing us into compelling vignettes already in progress, in the grand tradition of Tarantino. That being said, 11:14 is reminiscent of … Read More

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THE CRAZIES 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Crazy like a pox. Remake of the 1973 George A. Romero movie of the same name, THE CRAZIES is a simple, shallow, well-made thriller. A virus drives the people of a bucolic Midwestern town crazy and they start killing people. I don’t mean to nitpick, but killing is kinda natural for a species that kills to eat, to mate, to … Read More

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SHUTTER ISLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Just dropped in – to see what condition my condition was in… The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. –John Milton, Paradise Lost. What a beautiful, sophisticated, mind-leveling thriller! SHUTTER ISLAND is not “scary,” but creepy, disturbing and filled with enough tension and intrigue to drown a plush … Read More

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HARD CANDY

Poffy The Cucumber

For Unlawful Carnal Carnage. A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right – but not in the way he planned… Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed. (Anonymous) Funny or disgusting? If you’re a schoolboy, it’s hilarious. If you’re a fundamentalist Republican hypocrite, you’ll pretend it’s disgusting to your constituents – until … Read More

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