THE SANTA CLAUSE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Papa’s got a brand new bag – I mean, wife. Due to THE SANTA CLAUSE 2, Santa Claus must find a wife or he will magically stop being Santa Claus, presumably leaving one billion spoiled brats on Earth wailing in frenzy for their free toys. It’s eight years later – in real time and movie time – since THE SANTA … Read More

THE SANTA CLAUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Insanity Clause. Santa Claus has his own kind of occult life insurance. If he dies, the person who puts on his suit becomes him (against their will), replete with obesity genes, forceful beard that cannot be shaved off and occult powers of transmogrification; Santa Claus’s life essence preserved and transferred, the person who becomes him having no choice but to … Read More

TOY STORY 3

Poffy The Cucumber

A decade later, we’re still a bunch of kids. After all the hype for TOY STORY 3, it should give me an actual buzz and an actual woody. — Bill Maher, REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER, June 2010 Is it the best TOY STORY ever? Well, that’s subjective as a pudding bear on Tuesday, but TOY STORY 3 is another … Read More

TOY STORY 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Toying with our emotions. One of the best-reviewed sequels of all time, TOY STORY 2 continues the tale of the toys from Andy’s room, adding a few characters, upping the chase ante and breaking our hearts with animated toys that are better actors than people. Cowboy Woody (voice of Tom Hanks) is stolen by Al the toy collector (Wayne Knight, … Read More

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dreaming of a Fight Christmas. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas. From a John Grisham novel, Skipping Christmas (which I presume is as compelling as his other books – and therefore nowhere near as asinine as this movie), KRANKS is about middle-aged upper-class couple Luther and Nora … Read More

ZOOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Dumber Than a Speeding Bullet. This movie made me weep with emotion. I had no idea a movie could be THIS FREAKIN’ BAD. Oh, of course – Chevy Chase is in it. ‘Nuff said. Tim Allen is retired superhero Zoom (think: The Flash as a doughy guy), called back into service by the secret government agency (aren’t they all?) that … Read More

WILD HOGS

Poffy The Cucumber

On The Road To Nowhere. There is only one good thing in WILD HOGS: Peter Fonda. And he’s a cameo ten minutes before the end. Naif director Walt Becker helms this listless, laughless tale of four suburban friends pushing middle-age crisis who hit the open road as wannabe bikers to taste “freedom” and come smack up against real bikers and … Read More

GALAXY QUEST

Poffy The Cucumber

No Dreck on This Trek. In its swinging skewering of that TV series which featured that Vulcan guy and that Overacting guy, GALAXY QUEST is everything that the SCARY MOVIE franchise is not: well-produced, well-written, well-acted – and funny. Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) is the ex-captain of a television starship not unlike that one that boldly goes where no man has … Read More

TOY STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Plastic Fantastic. Y’know, I always suspected my toys were coming to life when I wasn’t looking! In TOY STORY, young Andy’s toys lead lives of noisy desperation come every birthday and Christmas – no one wants to be one-upped by a new addition to the toy box. Led by Cowboy Woody (there’s a BROKEBACK joke just waiting to happen), Mr. … Read More