CANDYMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Bad movie with a good hook. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Say it five times into a mirror and Candyman appears to kill you. Unless you’re Virginia Madsen. Madsen is Helen, doing a thesis on urban legends. She is told the Candyman myth – of the tall, black, gravel-voiced phastasm, with a hook for a hand and a pimpin’ longcoat, … Read More

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JOY 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped! After the confusing marketing campaign, we were left wondering what JOY was actually about? Hmm, from the trailers, seems like she has a dead-end job, her father hates her husband, she’s walking determinedly in the snow, she’s firing a shotgun, she’s cutting her hair, a funeral, a wedding, a business, cops, kissing, … Read More

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THE PROPHECY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angels In The Outhouse. Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell. A spine-shivering opening sequence: camera pans down on a lone figure standing over a charred skeleton – of what appears to be a human with wings, bird-like appendages scorched into the ochre stone ground. … Read More

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THE HAUNTING 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

The terror of bad direction, editing and acting. Not to be confused with THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE, released in the same year, THE HAUNTING is the tiresome, overlong, yawnfest remake of the 1960 movie of the same name. The only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk. Dr. Marrow (Liam … Read More

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RED RIDING HOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Lycan-nope. My, what big eyes Amanda Seyfried has! RED RIDING HOOD is a reimagining of the children’s tale about the talking wolf that eats grandmother. What better way to represent an anthropomorphized lupine than making it – a WEREWOLF? As this mysterious werewolf stalks a medieval village, we constantly ask ourselves, “Why don’t I feel any foreboding or tension? Why … Read More

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THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

Poffy The Cucumber

So silly it’s scary. THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT is advertised as “the most terrifying movie ever made.” It is. If you’re five. A family moves into a haunted house in Connecticut. Stupid things happen. The End. Okay, okay, so you want some evidence… Right outa the gate: “Based On True Events.” This phrase has become as meaningless as “whiter whites” … Read More

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THE NUMBER 23

Poffy The Cucumber

The Number of the Least. It just don’t add up! Numerology – utter coincidence coupled with utter stupidity. Try telling that to the EVP fake-moon-landing 9/11-conspiracy empath-candle what’s-your-sign bible-thumping bobbleheads. When dogcatcher Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey) reads a mysterious book called The Number 23, he begins to realize how much the number 23 figures in his life, from his birth … Read More

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