DEATH NOTE 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Justice, Tween Dream Style. Can a demon really be scary if it has a name and speaks English? And sounds like Willem Dafoe? I mean, really, if a demon terrorized me with that voice that sounds like he’s biting a teacup in half, first thing I’d do is laugh. Then – maybe terrorized. I’ve always said, entities that you cannot … Read More

AQUAMAN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Will make you wet. AQUAMAN graduates to jewel of the DC Comics universe, as it finds a perfect mix of action, humor, sex and surf. An American screenwriter’s dream come true, for its fishy foreshadowing and porpoiseful payoffs (couldn’t resist!); an origin story and a high sea adventure, an undersea war and a touching family redemption. It’s got everything, from … Read More

FINDING DORY

Poffy The Cucumber

FINDING DORY is lost at sea. She worked so well as a supporting character in FINDING NEMO (2003) that Pixar spins off Dory’s origin story in FINDING DORY – and only ends up highlighting what a horrifying brain disease she suffers from. Dory (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres), a blue tang fish with short term memory loss, first appeared in the … Read More

JOHN WICK

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure. Keanu Reeves hasn’t had to act this little since he was Klaatu. Keanu is retired legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy – the last gift from his dead wife. (I’m not an animal person, but I gotta admit – that is one cutie … Read More

DAYBREAKERS

Poffy The Cucumber

I vont tu harvest yor blud. Imagine a world where the vampires won. They’ve taken over. Everything. They have overrun every facet of “normal” society. Except they are the normals now: the corporate executives, the managers, the laborers and cubicles, the military and infrastructure; they work in supermarkets, in advertising, in agriculture; they are the cops, the criminals and the … Read More

JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Poffy The Cucumber

In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino. In the name of the father – Peckinpah – and in the spirit of Tarantino. THE BOONDOCK SAINTS is like Sam and Quentin had a baby that hasn’t learned to walk yet. It’s a cult classic because it’s powerful and visceral: two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey … Read More

STREETS OF FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Rock and Roll Fable Disable. Everything you know is fake. Everything you believe is wrong. STREETS OF FIRE taught me this. In one crushing swoop, everything I believed about the movie’s finale song, Dan Hartman’s I Can Dream About You, was shattered. Allow me to digress… The movie itself is an unsuccessful stab at cult musical-actioner, with comicbook visuals set … Read More

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Poffy The Cucumber

Exotic Psychotic. About a yuppie serial killer who finds he is slowly going insane, not from killing people, but from the boredom of doing so. This comedy is not just black – it’s black with sprinkles on top and a human head on a spike. From the hilariously disturbing Bret Easton Ellis novel of the same name (screenstoried by Mary … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Really Swingin’. What an adventure! SPIDER-MAN 3 is a swingin’ soiree; a chill-er thriller ladykiller that tops both its previous incarnations with smooth-headed, web-spangling adventure and vibrant, flesh-colored emotion. Heroes tainted by evil, villains infused with poignancy, lovers circling in triangles and Topher Grace as the meanest metrosexual this side of AMERICAN IDOL. Writer-director Sam Raimi bats it out of … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Spider Sense-tingling. Grander, faster, slicker than its predecessor, director Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN 2 is more action-packed, more thrill-rided, more rollercoastered than SPIDER-MAN (2002) – but though its plaudits stretch skyscraper tall, its demerits run Mariana Trench deep. Based loosely on the comicbook episode Spider-man No More, plot finds Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina, in strapping scenery-chewing mien) “tampering in God’s … Read More

INSIDE MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Heistman Cometh. INSIDE MAN opens with Clive Owen, as Dalton Russell, in hard close-up, warning us to listen to every word he says, because he’ll only say it once. (As George McFly might say, I don’t think I can handle that kind of pressure.) Dalton goes on to boast of his Perfect Heist; we know he speaks truth because … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Hangin’ With The Big Boys. Great Scott! They’ve done it right! From the web-woven opening credits to the last strains of the cartoon theme as the copyrights roll, SPIDER-MAN joins the pantheon of underpanted heroes whom the movie forum has portrayed as mightily as their bulging quadriceps (at this movie’s release date, that being only SUPERMAN and BATMAN – the … Read More