BLACK SWAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Swan Quake. My God, but ballet is boring! Thank God for Natalie Portman masturbating! Neurotic ballerina Nina (Portman) jockeys for the coveted Swan Queen role in a production of Swan Lake… Let’s not pretend elitism – all the roles look the same to me: girls on their tippy-toes and guys in penis-hugging tights. The obsessive director (Vincent Cassel) tells the … Read More

THE DILEMMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Bromantic comedy with a medieval aftertaste. No one knows the right thing to do – especially not director Ron Howard (THE DA VINCI CODE) – when a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA. Ronny (Vince Vaughn) is paired with Beth (Jennifer Connelly) and Nick (Kevin James) is married to … Read More

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

Poffy The Cucumber

Delicious, with a hint of sour Keanu. In BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T. We all know the concept of Dracula; it is in our – ahem – bloodstreams, but in cinema, we rarely see Dracula’s origins. Director Francis Ford Coppolla opens the movie with the event that … Read More

THE INFORMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Blonde on Blande. Billed as “the next Mickey Rourke movie” (after the award-winning THE WRESTLER, 2009, even though he filmed this prior to WRESTLER) and tagged as “Brad Renfro’s last screen appearance” (before his untimely death), and written by Bret Easton Ellis (AMERICAN PSYCHO, 2000), it is surprising what a box office failure THE INFORMERS was, going straight-to-DVD so fast … Read More

STAR TREK 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

All-New, All-Improved, Same-ole Same ole. If this don’t keep the fanboys happy, nothin’ will.How do you approach a movie as sodden in mythos as the STAR TREK franchise? The approach must be as trepidatious for film makers as it is for geekboys and weekend viewers alike. Every inch of a production under the STAR TREK aegis would reek of esoterica … Read More