The Achilliad.

All bronzed bicep, leonine mane and CG soldiery, TROY is a glut-fest of regal posturing and battle-flavored man-stench.

Coax golden-skinned, Bally-gymed Brad Pitt into a taut-buttocked mini-skirt for your movie, and Homer’s Iliad be damned. Compressing the backstory of the ten-year siege of Troy into one week, all deities, dogma and details are eschewed for ant-battles between computer warriors and camera-caressing of Pitt’s Achilles.

Hardly-shaving Orlando Bloom is Prince Paris, who steals away a plain-ish Helen of Troy née Sparta (Diane Kruger), giving King Agamemnon (Brian Cox, elocuting like a serpent) excuse to hurl Greece’s full might against the battlements of Troy, the last bastion of the Known World left to conquer.

Performances such as Eric Bana’s stalwart Prince Hector, Peter O’Toole’s doddering King Priam, Brendan Gleeson’s ogreish Menelaus, Sean Bean’s astute Odysseus, and intelligently crafted fight choreography for the mano a mano duels all serve to elevate this movie above that of trite action blockbuster to that of Guilty Pleasure Trite Action Blockbuster.

Still wondering why actors in Greek or Roman movies – in an attempt to sound more “authentic” – adopt a British accent… Guess Richard Burton has a lot to answer for.

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