The Tween Team.

So it has come to this. After the vampire wars and the werewolf killings, after the tempest of accepting a human unto the clan of the undead, after the dark skies of Forks presage death raining  rivers of blood, TWILIGHT ECLIPSE has come to this, the most chilling decision mankind has ever faced:

Team Edward or Team Jacob.

Edward (Robert Pattinson) is a vampire. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is a werewolf.
WINNER: Team Jacob.

Edward’s acting resembles being doped with chloroform. Jacob can’t act.
WINNER: Team Edward.

When Edward takes his shirt off, his skin sparkles in the sun. When Jacob takes his shirt off, chicks orgasm.
WINNER: Team Jacob.

Edward’s abs are pasty and soft from snacking on Bambi. Jacob’s abs are washboard from all that doggy styling.
WINNER: Team Jacob.

Edward and Jacob both love Bella (Kristen Stewart).
BOTH LOSERS.

Bella flaunts her boy’s botty in front of Jacob – and won’t do anything with him. Bella flaunts her pea-tits in front of Edward – and HE won’t do anything with her.
BOTH LOSERS.

Edward gets to go on innumerable talk-dates with Bella and her insufferable pause-acting; Jacob gets to pout that Bella never goes on talk-dates with him.
WINNER: Team Jacob.

Bella relegates Jacob to The Friend Zone, and never has sex with him. Bella takes Edward as her boyfriend and never has sex with him either.
BOTH LOSERS.

Edward whines that Bella wants to have sex with him. Jacob whines that Bella doesn’t want to have sex with him.
BOTH LOSERS.

Edward looks like he’s run into a brick wall. Jacob looks like a brick wall has fallen on his head.
BOTH LOSERS.

Jacob never meets Bella’s luminous school friend Anna Kendrick, while Edward, through hanging with Bella, is always around the perky Kendrick.
WINNER: Team Edward.

Due to never meeting Kendrick, Jacob also never meets the douchebags that hang around her and Bella like a wet dog smell.
WINNER: Team Jacob.

Bryce Dallas Howard appears as a vampire, and the same thing happens to me as when Jacob takes his shirt off for chicks.
WINNER: Team Poffy.

Edward’s hairstyle looks like he put his finger in a light socket. Jacob also looks like he’s put his finger in a light socket, but based on past glories when it cascaded like a luscious waterfall:
WINNER: Team Jacob

Bella agrees to marry Edward. Bella wants Jacob to remain her Just Friend.
BOTH LOSERS.

Team Edward and Team Jacob team up to battle a clan of vampires that wants to kill them because of their hotness or something, in a CG battle so spectacular I almost woke up.
BOTH WINNERS.

Music video and TV director David Slade helms this project like a music video and TV director, from the overrated Stephenie Meyer novel for tweens.
WE ALL LOSE.

END