Of The Clods…

Long before Giorgio’s ANCIENT ALIENS, just before Leonard Nimoy’s IN SEARCH OF…, there was Erich von Daniken‘s jam-packed movie from the compelling 1968 book of the same name, CHARIOTS OF THE GODS.

Erich von Daniken: godfather of ancient ass-tronomy.

The book Chariots of the Gods? makes the compelling argument that ancient cultures in Earth’s past were visited by astronauts, who were mistaken as gods because of their technological prowess. These astronauts are said to be responsible for many ancient structures that could not have been built without some kind of advanced technology. Like Giorgio’s hair.This argument was presented with such a bulk of “evidence” – paintings, literature, sculptures, and the structures themselves (the pyramids, Nazca plains, Easter Island, et al) – and with such a surety of hand, that it convinced whole generations of otherwise-sensible humans into believing in “Ancient Astronauts.” Reading this book as an inquisitive child of the cucumber patch, I was also affected into believing the hype.

Never mind that believing in ancient-astronauts-as-gods negated everything that religions taught. All religions. And since the bulk of the “believers” of ancient astronaut theory were also “believers” in some kind of invisible deity, it made them ALL look like cognitive dissonant donkeys.

So you see the conundrum and the irony: believing in AA means you are effectively denouncing religion – but you’re still religious! How? Because the religious-minded are the exact gullible type susceptible to seduction by AA’s “faith-before-evidence” approach! Now they look doubly stupid!

Erich, Giorgio, hair

The movie CHARIOTS OF THE GODS is actually more compelling than the modern ANCIENT ALIENS series because of its succinctness. In 90 minutes they must cover the world of the ancients; they state their case, present their evidence and then get the hell outa there to another mysterious location. ANCIENT ALIENS, on the other hand, with their requirement to fill a series with specious speculation, starts jumping the shark around the 12th minute of speculation per topic, when they’ve run out of “reasonable” speculations and desperately turn to Hitler, Leonardo and Julius Caesar all palling around with ancient aliens.I loved that epic music as a youth (by Peter Thomas), hoping that one day I could write something as sweeping and epic as the opening theme. I like the way they keep repeating the theme on different instruments, from Mayan flutes to electric guitars. That’s the full soundtrack – such a wistful theme that it never gets old. Or should I say ‘ancient’?

CHARIOTS covers absolutely everything that an Ancient Astronaut aficionado could ever hope to falsely worship: cargo cults, biblical paintings (including the Ark of the Covenant), Machu Picchu (stone laid without mortar, so flush you cannot get a knife between them), Nazca’s “abandoned airstrip” (with its hummingbird, peacock and giant spider, etc.), the African continent, the South American continent and their winged serpents; Teotihuacan (“where the gods reside” – oh, if that’s what it means, it must be true!), Kukulkan (I love that name!), the Pacal Votan “astronaut,” massive stones moved over great distances, temples at Abu Simbel, the Sphinx, Aztec calendars, and of course, the Egyptian pyramids (“The world fears time – but time fears only the pyramids.”) And many more locations and mysteries. Each of these subjects is intriguing and mysterious and enigmatic enough to have whole books and TV specials devoted to them, and von Daniken was canny enough to compile all these disparate mysteries under the persuasive umbrella of Ancient Astronauts.

The Ark of the Covenant: Was Indiana Jones an Ancient Astronaut?

CHARIOTS is undeniably entertaining, sometimes chilling and definitely pseudo-scientific: as with any speculation on ancient civilizations, they jump from asking how the ancient people achieved their finished product straight to “Did ancient astronauts provide the technology?” Royt… nothing could possibly be intermediary between an early human using his brain and astronauts in spaceships? Sure about that, Erich? Of course you are…

END

Under The Gods.

Under the god
Under the god
Ten steps into the crazy crazy…
–Tin Machine, “Under The God.”

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is at it again! Still consulting producer and main talking head on ANCIENT ALIENS; still talking about jaguar priests, messenger angels and ancient astronauts as if they really existed; still scaring us with his ineluctable knowledge, his detailed research and his big hair.

 One Degree to Ancient Alien…
FULL DISCLOSURE: I must again remind my hybrid readers that I am friends with the inscrutable Mr. Tsoukalos, consulting producer and ubiquitous talking head on ANCIENT ALIENS THE SERIES. He is charming, persuasive and indubitably intelligent. I afford him all the respect of a cunning linguist and master debater. On many a drunken bar-hop, I’ve tried to talk sense to his poor deluded alien soul. It hasn’t helped. (Maybe it’s the drunkenness. Maybe it’s the hair…)

Robert Clotworthy narrates ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO with the voice of a man who has never quite outgrown the fear that a hand is going to come out from under his bed and grab his ankle.

Through speculating talking heads (including Tsoukalos, David H. Childress, Robert Bauval, Linda Moulton-Howe, George Noory, Philip Coppens and the Grandmaster Flash himself, Erich von Däniken, we discern the thesis of ancient astronaut theory: that technologically advanced extra-terrestrials visited Earth in mankind’s infancy and were misapprehended as gods by our primitive forebears.

We are also treated to primitive drawings on stone slabs, and rock caves and in medieval books, zoomed at the twirling camera with a wicked orchestra stab and telecine flash. That oughta prove it’s true!

ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO goes deeper than just the misapprehension theory, crediting ancient aliens with almost everything pertaining to human development and existence.

Now I’m not going to dismiss these people as outright “crazy” because there are some compelling arguments that fit very neatly together if you squint with your mind real hard. In the grand tradition of IN SEARCH OF… ancient civilizations and artifacts are undoubtedly fascinating stuff, so we occasionally hit pockets of actual scientific knowledge – sprinkled liberally with mythical tales (which are also interesting), but always tempered by speculating just a little too far over the edge of the abyss.

Two Degrees to Ancient Instigator…
Erich von Daniken commands much more screentime during this series. He is, after all, the Pimpmaster General when it comes to Ancient Alien Astronauts (Chariots Of The Gods?, 1968). Ask him anything about Machu Picchu, the Great Wall of China or Lady Gaga and he’ll relate it back to extra-terrestrials.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s good to ask questions, no matter how crazy they sound. That’s what Scientific Method is built on. Trouble is, AA theorists like to believe they adhere to some form of Scientific Method when they clearly don’t: they are too comfortable asking questions and then exploding onto “faith-based” tangents that in no way relate to the original question, never mind lacking evidence completely.

Poffy Votan

Speculation is also a valid scientific precept, but as the evidence gets thinner, ANCIENT ALIENS becomes one long succession of talking heads prefacing their gaboon with “In my opinion…”The show brings in a few accredited scientists, like the great Paul Davies (Professor of Philosophy, The Eerie Silence: Renewing our Search for Alien Intelligence, 2010) and physicist Michael Dennin, yet after the scientists’ snippets of information, the show then piles on speculation behind them. They do not disrespect the scientists or twist their words, but rather use them as credible corroboration for the pile-on that invariably follows.

Episode 205, Aliens and the Third Reich, is ludicrous – basically blaming everything that Hitler did on his contacts and/or influence by ancient aliens. Heil, Zardoz!

In Episode 206, Clotworthy actually narrates about Leonardo Da Vinci’s inventions, “Could he have figured these things out by observation and intelligence or was it given to him by an extra-terrestrial source?” Who writes this shit?– Ancient Aliens, of course! Thanks for insulting one of the greatest minds of humanity, knobs!

As the series progresses, we realize they are using the term “mainstream scientists” like a derogation, in the same way mongoloid Sarah Palin uses “lamestream media” – as a jibe at people who think they know more than you just because they’ve STUDIED FOR YEARS…

At times, the talking heads (Tsoukalos included) would say, “The god that I believe in [would not need transportation, etc.]” But isn’t the “god you believe in” a misapprehension of ancient astronauts? You’ve just been telling us that for the past 2,000 years. Do the AA people want it both ways: for there to be ancient people creating religion erroneously and for there to be actual supernatural gods as well?! That’s cheating!

THE MOST IGNORANT STATEMENT of the series is by Robert Bauval:
“We have logic, we have intuition, we have our senses, and to limit ourselves through the scientific route is a mistake.”

What exactly do you think the “scientific route” is, Mr. Bauval? The fact that you “ask questions” is your first step in employing that scientific route you spit on. Science is a methodology, not a close-minded religion, as your Ancient Alien fanaticism seems to resemble, with that damnably idiotic statement. The fact that you arrive at erroneous conclusions even whilst using scientific method doesn’t mean you aren’t using it. But you can be happy: you’ve got something in common with your low-browed ancestors – they didn’t understand science either!

THE MOST ENLIGHTENED STATEMENT of the series is by Giorgio Tsoukalos:
Pertaining to a monolith: “Am I suggesting that he did this with extra-terrestrial technology? No, because I don’t know. Am I excluding that possibility? No.”

And that’s probably the best we can shoot for with this whole beargarden. Remain agnostic. This doesn’t stop Tsoukalos making outrageous claims in Episode 210 about mankind being a hybrid race of aliens. (Save the really good fiction for our script, Giorgio!)

Let me clarify: I would LOVE ancient aliens to exist; I would love those uneducated “mainstream scientists” to discover extra-terrestrial intelligence and *life as we know it.* But wild speculation is not the way to either discover ETs or communicate with them. There is so much more that you people could be doing in the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence, instead of gathering in dark rooms and effusing over blurry slides of alleged spacecraft.

While sitting square-eyed before the onslaught of straw man arguments, red herrings and speculation enough to fill a bible, I realized there are two great ironies at work in ancient alien culture.

We are quite aware of the wild theories of ancient aliens building pyramids, Stonehenge, and doodling on the Nazca plains, but by the time you reach the last few episodes of ANCIENT ALIENS, your jaw will drop at the audacity of the claims regarding extra-terrestrials’ involvement in human history. The AA people push the envelope to such absurdist lengths, they seem to be daring us to call the men in white suits; reveling in how far over the edge of rationality they can take it without being remanded for clinical insanity.

According to ANCIENT ALIENS and its proponents, aliens are responsible for every monolithic rock placed at an angle that kind of aims at a point in the sky where stars are, aliens are responsible for all tectonic movement, volcanoes, earthquakes, comets, climate and tsunamis (including all the Flood myths since before the bible deluge); aliens are responsible for thousands of miles of underground labyrinths and catacombs, responsible for buried cities, for geometry, for astronomy, for telemetry, for evolution; responsible for human sacrifice, Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Charles Manson; responsible for the Rise and Fall of The Third Reich, World War II weaponry, the atomic and hydrogen bombs, Roswell, Wernher von Braun, the American space program and the moon landing; responsible for Leonardo Da Vinci’s weapons designs, responsible for Einstein’s theories… Is there anything Ancient Aliens DIDN’T do for mankind? Can we at least claim GILLIGAN’S ISLAND for ourselves?

The only things missing are Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster… uh oh, I think I’ve just given these clowns ammunition for Season Three.

Ten steps into the crazy crazy…

END

Proving you don’t have to be abducted to be anal probed.

Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense.
— Carl Sagan.

ANCIENT ALIENS is the latest deformed baby spawned from the boomers who broke their brains on Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods? book series (first book published 1968), speculating on alien visitors to Earth bequeathing ancient peoples with advanced technology. Once called simply UFOs, then “ancient astronauts,” the same craze that brought us crop circles, anal probe abductions and pyramid stone levitation, now rebrands itself for a new psycho generation of credulous anti-intellectuals.

ANCIENT ALIENS is – like all von Däniken’s …of the Gods books – speculative fiction masquerading as hard science, helmed by a von Daniken disciple, Giorgio Tsoukalos. Each of the scores of segments in this 5-part series starts off promising, knowledge dripping like blond ambrosia off naked Valkyrie shoulders, and then – oil slicked into a gutter of disinformation with red herrings, straw man arguments and narrators with scary voices.

If “science” is cited at all, it is approached as if it’s Mike Tyson: stupid, black and dangerous, especially if it tries to talk. Besides outlining complex things in simple ways, “science” is never utilized properly as the methodology that requires EVIDENCE to back up theories. Science is treated like religionistas treat it, as an alternate religion or peripheral disease that only gets in the way of wide-eyed speculation and ominous orchestra stabs.

In politics, the “straw man argument” is used to attack an opponent’s actual issue by setting up another issue and attacking that instead of the real issue. By defeating the “straw man” it seems like you’ve defeated your opponent’s actual issue. The created “straw man” in ANCIENT ALIENS is the “mystery” surrounding ancient artifacts, runes, paintings, monuments and prophecies. Because there is no mystery.

For example, in Episode I the Egyptian Saqqara Bird is discussed, a 7-inch wooden carving of a bird with outstretched wings, dated 200 BCE. ANCIENT ALIENS speculates via its scary narrator, “Did ancient Egyptians carve this bird because they got the idea of flight from ancient astronauts?” Uh, how about dialing the conspiracy theory down to Mel Gibson? It’s a wooden bird – has it ever occurred to anyone that ancient peoples might have gotten the idea of flight from, uuuh, BIRDS? But the straw man is loose, there is “mystery” and the only answer is – Ancient Aliens! Hooray!

I can’t possibly refute each and every claim in the series in this short diatribe – but I’m sure every viewer can pick up a small box of intelligence at the corner store and use the instruction manual that comes with it to apply it to ALIENS. Unfortunately, most viewers don’t read their instruction manuals…

It seems these modern commentators (professors, authors, scientists, etc.) lack the imagination to comprehend that mathematicians, architects and astronomers could exist before Harvard, Oxford and NASA, even though they should be well aware of Eratosthenes, Ptolemy, Kepler, Galileo, Newton, et al. 5,000 years ago, mankind’s braincase held the same cubic volume it does today; no reason why ancient Egyptians could not utilize their intellects intuitively and figure out planetary movements and mechanical manipulation of superstructures. Modern “ancient alien” proponents only bring shame on themselves with their credulity – anything inexplicable is immediately attributed to Ancient Aliens, rather than the slightest nod given to human ingenuity. How were these massive blocks moved? Ancient Aliens! Why does this bas-relief depict a flying machine? Ancient Aliens! How did they know of Sirius B? Ancient Aliens! When I stub my toe on the bedpost – Ancient Aliens!

Giorgio himself (attired in his usual three-piece suit for maximum professorial sass) states, “Ancient civilizations were not dumb,” which is correct, but is followed immediately by the scary narrator describing technologically advanced ancient cogs and leaping rapturously to the conclusion/question, “Did ancient aliens make these cogs?” From cogs – straight to aliens! Nothing in between, huh? How about a little sugar for the ancient peoples you just lauded with intelligence?

Giorgio: “…the reason I’m convinced sophisticated technology was used…” Sophisticated technology was indeed used – though it is not proof of alien intervention, but human ingenuity.

Giorgio: “I think it’s the height of human arrogance to think that just because we can’t do it, another more advanced society can’t do it either.” He’s talking about faster-than-light space travel in this context (pertaining to aliens of course), but it relates to everything else in this series whether he realizes it or not. Ancient peoples have left behind evidence of their more advanced societies – but modern people keep saying aliens did it! What does it take to get credit for having a big brain in ancient Egypt?!

And speaking of big brains: Episode II features Pharaoh Akhenaten (father of the famous Tutankhamun) and his elongated skull – short shrift is given to the tragedy that maybe he was deformed, passing on this deformity to his children. Instead, he is accused of being a human-alien hybrid. Of course! How else could a human have a slightly enlarged head but for – Ancient Aliens?!

Did Ancient Cucumbers Fly Like Pineapples?

Carl Sagan noted, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” The people propounding the alien-tastic theories (which includes Erich von Däniken himself) often make the unscientific mistake of presenting the artifact itself as the only evidence for their extraordinary leaps of fancy. “See this ancient pendant shaped like a space shuttle? Since there were no space shuttles in ancient Egypt – Ancient Aliens!” See this thing that looks like a spaceship in the Virgin Mary painting? Well, it IS a spaceship! Stop pretending you can’t see it! Squint harder!”

The insult to our ancestors’ intelligence – by claiming that aliens aided their wondrous accomplishments – becomes ultimately an insult to OUR intelligence. Because outlandish claims backed by zero evidence prove only one thing – that aliens aren’t the only ones doing the anal-probing.

The irony is that those who call themselves “believers” of these speculations are actually devoid of belief – in humankind’s ingenuity. Only those who cannot conceive of intuitive or creative thought would be prone to believe – or could be cajoled into believing – that those who came before them were of such low mental capacity that they had to be spoon-fed by spacehogs.

Von Däniken, like Immanuel Velikovsky and other pseudo scientists, is a great snake-oil salesman, and good luck to him and his entertaining cash cow. But remember that’s what it is – entertainment, diversion. He hit upon a meme which continues to thrive as “science” only due to the laity’s ignorance of physics, spacetime, orbital mechanics, biology and astronomy, not to mention an unenlightened view of ancient civilizations. And the straw man “mystery” comes clear – it is not whether aliens are visiting or aiding mankind, it is the general public’s lack of curiosity that allows simple explanations to remain “mysteries.”

More dangerously, the “ancient aliens” meme, after being discredited and disowned by science, has become a religion, because adherents to these theories need no facts to believe the theories. And if facts are presented contra to their belief system, adherents simply throw the facts out or reinterpret them to their own ends. Amen.

Some of the speculations – the Great Pyramid being an energy generator; 35-foot-diameter circular saws to carve megaliths; Noah’s Ark being a DNA bank rather than a boat – at least attribute thoughtful technology to ancient people, and are interesting because they do seem to be leading towards an ultimate truth. Until that unnecessary leap is once again made – Ancient Aliens!

On the wind-swept Giza Plateau, no way were Egyptians smart enough
to utilize wind power…

A few years ago, Dr. Maureen Clemmons, experimenting independently and resourcefully, using only materials available to ancient Egyptians, raised multi-ton stone obelisks with kites and pulleys, demonstrating that wind power could have been the simplistic engine behind Egypt’s pyramids. I was privileged to be minimally involved in her project and was made aware of the behind-the-scenes politics that made veteran Egyptologists publicly denigrate her theories without any research into them, for the simple reason that they didn’t want their names replaced in the history books.

Likewise, the “scientists” commenting in this ANCIENT ALIENS forum studiously avoid theories forwarded by anyone outside their clique. They insist on red herring arguments like whining over how hard it is to pick up stone blocks in a dead lift with ground-based modern cranes, yet never consider Dr. Clemmons’s relatively easy method of kites, pulleys and wind.

If you’re a UFO nut (or as they like to call themselves – snigger – “Ufologists”), you’ll love ANCIENT ALIENS, as it is structured in the same “investigative” manner as those 1970s documentaries about Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle and the Loch Ness Monster. All it lacks is Leonard Nimoy. As much as the producers believe they are presenting, heh, “all-new evidence” you’ve seen it all before. You’ve either gullibly accepted it all before or rationally poo-poohed it all before. Or you’ve been like me – as a child, believing every word, as an adult, marveling at the intriguing facts, yet seeing through the red herrings and straw man non-sense to the economic entertainment niche it fills.

I would love nothing better than to discover that ancient aliens – or even modern aliens – actually exist. (Episode II perpetuates the CLOSE ENCOUNTERS visual of big-headed, bug-eyed, pinkish 3-foot-tall extra-terrestrials, which UFO nuts call “grays.”) It would mean the universe is more interesting than we think – AND it would discredit all religions and their provincial man-gods (that have never spoken of extraterrestrial aliens – or even humans traveling backwards in time – in any scriptures; being ignorant of other humanoid cultures in the universe doesn’t bode well for gods who claim omniscience). And that can only be a positive day for Earth humans.

Also, claiming that ancient astronauts were the catalyst for modern religions, christianity included, negates every god’s divinity. So I can’t figure how christians think it’s beneficial to promulgate the ancient astronaut idiocies. If “God” (you know – I AM THAT I AM, the Messiah, the Savior, etc.) was merely an astronaut that people considered a deity, it means nothing short of the dissolution of their own religion. And here they are in Episode IV, crowing over numerous christian-based paintings showing Virgin Mary, Jesus, et al, with seemingly extraterrestrial craft hovering in their backgrounds! Talk about another nail in your own crucifix!

Unfortunately the “ancient aliens” money-machine continues to grip the limited imagination of The Great Unwashed for completely wrong reasons – not because it is driving closer to truths with every new documentary released, but because – as Richard Schickel notes in his 2010 Eastwood biography, Clint: A Retrospective – “A mystery solved is a mystery forgotten. A mystery not fully resolved has the potential to hold you for a long time.”

I guess the next time I see Giorgio he’s gonna headlock me in those massive man-ceps – until I buy the chicken wings and beer…

END