The trick is not to fall asleep…

Uh-oh, narration. Uh-oh, magic. Uh-oh…. HOUDINI.

Adrien Brody stars (narrating interminably) as Harry Houdini, the greatest magician in history. But from this biopic, you’d never guess it. Upfront, Houdini is a god among men; an icon, innovator, pioneer, legend. And Adrien Brody, a fine actor, does his best with what he’s given to work with. But this Lionsgate TV production fails to capture the magnitude of Houdini’s charisma, the extent of his fame, and makes him a whining mental case who was seeking some kind of redemption for his wondrous, unique existence.

Written by Nicholas Meyer (STAR TREK VI), the problem with this mini-series is easily divined when we see the title of the book Meyer consulted – Houdini: A Mind in Chains: A Psychoanalytic Portrait (written by his shrink father Bernard C. Meyer). Why A Mind in Chains when Houdini is so obviously one of the most unfettered men in history, figuratively and literally? It’s implying there was some deep-rooted psychological problem that made Houdini as disturbed as the rest of us gimps. Thus Nicholas imbues HOUDINI the movie with the book’s idiosyncrasies, sealing psychoanalytic speculation as biographical fact, sullying the legacy of the greatest magician who ever lived by implying he was “always trying to escape something”… More likely trying to escape the shrinks who were pinning him with mental deficiencies…

As soon as Brody starts narrating his inner fears and aspirations, it’s all over. Houdini was and is an enigma. Nearly a century after his death, he is still the most recognizable name in magic. He couldn’t have possibly been as small as this film makes him.

Uli Edel directs as Guy Ritchie Junior by way of Frank Miller. We see so many smash-cuts to Houdini’s internal organs, especially his rock-hard abdomen, that we feel like someone misses his med school diagrams. Film focuses on Houdini’s renowned ability to take a punch, and uses that visual as a metaphor for many situations. When someone insults him – a punch to the abs; when his mother dies – a punch to the abs. Every adverse situation meets the refrain: a punch to the abs.

Story starts with Houdini’s humble beginnings playing a whorehouse (why people equate whorehouses with humble beginnings is another debunking essay altogether), where he realizes he can be more than just a magician, but a master “escapist” when a cop challenges him to escape some handcuffs. Then – uh-oh, flashback: young Eric Weiss (Houdini’s Jewish birth name) as an urchin on the streets of Budapest, Hungary. Eyes glazing over. We meet Houdini’s mother (which opens a can of Oedipal worms) and his father (a stubborn Rabbi who refuses to learn English in Chicago); brother Theo (whom Houdini would nickname “Dash” and later “Hardeen” – a tiny role for a big man in Houdini’s life).

Kristen Connolly plays Harry’s wife Bess Houdini, with the acting skills of a turnip. She’d do best to stick to roles like CABIN IN THE WOODS, where she did not have to extend her emotions beyond Be Mannequin Pretty Then Die. Inevitably she would turn into the dreamkiller shrike, nagging at Harry to stop risking his life and get a job at McDonalds. Evan Jones (JARHEAD) is Houdini’s faithful liege Jim.

We follow Houdini through many of his magic shows. Uh, why? Watching magic on film is nowhere nearly dramatic as watching it in real life. We know there’s a catch anyway – we don’t think he’s really “magic” – but now there’s the added medium of film, which is intrinsically linked to special effects which we take for granted. Where’s the drama? What’s the point switching to Ritchie-vision and showing Houdini extricating a key hidden on his person? Over and over again we are assaulted with Houdini’s magic. And a punch to the abs.

Movie touches on Houdini’s espionage stint for the U.S. government, under the auspices of Chief John Wilkie’s Secret Service. There are extended sequences involving Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (David Calder), who – though the creator of Sherlock Holmes – was a clinically insane believer in the spirit world, thinking that Houdini was really passing through walls and contacting the dead. He would dog Houdini until death trying to prove his madness real. There’s the water torture cell (in a stupid introductory scene, Houdini simply “gets in it” to try it out without any prep on how to escape it, precipitating having to smash it), the chained jump into the freezing Hudson river, the disappearing elephant… there’s even a scene where a jailer locks Houdini in a cell and returns to find it empty, then shakes his fist at the air shouting, “Houdiniiiiii!” All that’s missing is the pan up and away.

To a whole slew of young fans, Adrien Brody is now Harry Houdini, as Paul Michael Glaser was to the ’70s and Tony Curtis was to the ’50s. But to those who revere the man, the myth, the Mysteriarch, HOUDINI will probably make your eyelids heavy – and not in that good hypnotizing way.

At least this HOUDINI gives us a more realistic summation of how Houdini met his death. His spiraling appendicitis was exacerbated by an unexpected punch to the stomach. There’s the answer to what Houdini was trying to escape – refrain: a punch to the abs.

END

A Hip New Reason for Tired Old Slayings.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is about four painfully pretty college kids (and one Shaggy) being slasher-slain by zombies at said cabin. Seen it all before, right? But there’s a twist: the cabin is a front for a religious cult, who are in the business of luring college kids to this technologically advanced hideaway and sacrificing them to their insatiable god. Well… at least the movie is trying. Veeery trying…

After an excellent false-opening credit sequence, we meet Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins, two office guys in short-sleeved white shirts and ties, around a water cooler. Cut back to – what the teen demo are here to see – a chick in panties, getting ready for a trip to the woods.

The four pretty kids are Chris Hemsworth (THOR), Anna Hutchison (The Slut), Jesse Williams (the Jock) and Kristen Connolly (The Virgin). The fifth wheel is Fran Kranz (The Shaggy). Stereotypes just waiting to die.

In the woods, a falcon flies into an invisible force shield, which tells us the cabin is surrounded by this unseen electric fence. Intriguing…

We quickly discover the ulterior agenda of the office guys, as they command a war room outfitted with banks of computers and monitors, showing… you guessed it – the cabin in the woods. And though they’re quite flippant about their job of monitoring the kids, they speak in more reverent tones of appeasing their bloodthirsty god. Through levers and pulleys that the cabin is surreptitiously retrofitted with, the office guys manipulate the walls and doors to lure the kids to the basement, “then we let them use free will from there.”

It’s an interesting twist on tired old slasher genre. And a peek into what modern religious cults might be doing, considering technological advances. But after the initial jolt wears off, it’s still just murders and screaming and stuff.

A guard in the war room objects to the staff gathering around watching Thor nail the naked Slut, “Do we really have to watch this?” – then doesn’t object to the horrific manner she is murdered two minutes later. I can see where he gets his twisted priorities – his sniveling mindset is the exact mindset of the idiotic Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), who blanch at depicting all things that create Life, but have no problem rating a movie PG-13 that depicts all manner of Death.

CABIN is written and produced by the great Joss Whedon (FIREFLY), so I was expecting a little more. Still, a few good ideas with the final scenes, showing all the monsters of myth kept locked in cages under the cabin – and escaping! And when Thor tries to ride out of the woods – one hell of an unexpected demise! And I guess it’s always a plus when a culty god escapes his subterranean abode to wreak havoc on the Earth.

Which is what happens at the end, so if you’re reading this, you’re one of the few survivors on this desolate Earth.

END