When holy barbecues get outa hand…

Frankenstein’s Glamster.

I, FRANKENSTEIN finds Frankenstein’s Monster in the modern world (which still resembles a big and brash medieval fantasy), immortal, an outsider caught in a war between two immortal clans – the Gargoyles and the Demons – that could damn the fate of humankind… if only humankind gave a toss.

Aaron Eckhart, ripped like a bridge cable, is the Monster, birthed from electric eel in the 17th century, walking the Earth a hunted, soul-less being. Dubbed Adam by the Gargoyle Queen (Miranda Otto, who looks like Jodie Foster when the light hits her at almost any angle), he’s fast, furious and toyt like a workout queen.

Adam (simply called Frankenstein as an easier point of reference) is sought by the Demon Prince Naberius (played with vampire brio by none other than vampire king Bill Nighy, UNDERWORLD), to discover the secret of how he could be animated and still have no soul. Naberius has been collecting soul-less corpses for centuries and apparently only soul-less corpses can be possessed by demons, so once he discovers how to animate the corpses, he summons his demons to inhabit this army to do his bidding on Earth. Yes, I’m asking the same questions as you: Was he banking on discovering Frankenstein at some point, even though he was probably collecting corpses long before Victor Frankenstein’s time, and what was he doing in the meantime when he needed evil helpers and all his corpses were just laying around gathering slime? But I call “bullshit” on “only soul-less corpses can be possessed by demons” anyway! What about THE EXORCIST, THE OMEN, THE LAST EXORCISM, THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, et al? Sigh. Onward…

So the Gargoyles, led by stone warrior Gideon (Jai Courtney) try to keep Franky away from Naberius, who has human scientists working for him, trying to emulate Victor Frankenstein’s infamous life-creating experiments. Female scientist Yvonne Strahovski (desperately looking like Rosamund Pike) would become Franky’s insipid “love interest,” if only he could stop staying out all night slaying Demons.

It’s an interesting plot pitting Frankenstein against two factions as a pawn in their war (from the graphic novel by Kevin Grevioux), but it’s executed with flash in stead of flair by screenwriter-director Stuart Beattie (only his second directorial effort, his writing credits including DERAILED 2005, AUSTRALIA 2008). Too much flash. Every time a Demon dies (or is “descended”) fireballs coruscate around the screen interminably, obfuscating the action. And every time a Gargoyle dies (or is “ascended”) a blue light like a stairway to heaven also obfuscates the action. In a lethal battle between Demons and Gargoyles, it’s a glam-slam Macy’s Christmas lightshow. And the ending – with fireballs ascending from hell into thousands of bodies on racks, and the CGI gargoyles killing them and turning them back into fireballs, and the mansion exploding and falling back into hell – is like a Disneyland fireworks display meeting the finale of a KISS concert. My eyes! I’m blind!—

It’s now a tossup between the ripped Aaron Eckhart and the solid Thomas Jane for the exact same roles. Who woulda thought the doughy guy with the porn-stache from YOUR FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS (1998) would make such a fantastic action hero? He’s alive! ALIIIIIVE!

END

Overwrought Underworld.

Guns, Gore and Grrrrrls in growling leather.

The Salad Dealer

UNDERWORLD gives a shot in the arm, so to speak, to the vampire and werewolf iconographies, updating/reimagining both to be in an ongoing millennia-aged war that is escalating, plopping them in modern day Europe (or somewhere with underground rail transport and rain that won’t quit) with automatic weapons and computers. And leather.

Selene (Kate Beckinsale, who would soon marry the director – luckiest man alive, Len Wiseman) is a vampire “Death Dealer,” with guns bigger than her acting abilities and leather so tight and curve-hugging my Carnal Nerve nocturnally emissioned. She’s a lethal stalker and killer of werewolves (“lycans” in sexy new street cred).

Story is interesting twist on the legends, yet if you enjoy werewolf slash vampire movies, this may or may not be your cup of blood. You see, whereas all other werewolf and vampire movies have been correctly slotted into the horror genre, UNDERWORLD is an “action” movie whose characters happen to be vamps and thropes. We’re in their world now, so their intrinsic alienness is the norm, rather than an anomaly. Movie can get on with the shooting and running and blood-fests as common occurrence between the two “races” (just as any two given races on Earth at any given point in history will engage lovingly in shooting and running and blood-fests). Subsequently, dialog is childish, and action is filmed in that style that suddenly slams into slomo to accentuate the flounce of capes and the thrill of tight butt-leather, with no meaning other than for the sake of capes flouncing and butt-leather bouncing.

Latent werewolf, Michael (Scott Speedman) is bitten by a vampire – to breed a hybrid race that will win the war for the lycans, who are jealous that the vampires have such cool leather. Even though he’s a transgender, Selene inexplicably falls for Michael. Because he’s hot, I’m guessing. But vampire-werewolf love cannot be. So it is written in the ancient scrolls of the TV Guide. For advice on her love life, she calls on the Dr. Phil of vampires, their sleeping king, Viktor (Bill Nighy), who in hibernation looks like a zombie husk of a mummy, until he is revived by fresh blood, whereupon he looks like Bill Nighy (i.e. a zombie husk of a mummy).

Casting Kate Beckinsale was not a mistake. Garbing her in such tight leather is. Because I am blinded to anything else when she is onscreen. She is just too breathtakingly beautiful, too achingly sensual– Those pointy incisors; those devil-blue eyes– Look at that cutie go! Two-fisted gun barrels blazing, Hard Guy Overcoat flouncing, rain dripping pruriently from hand-grab spinner waist in leatherbound corset, spike-heeled boots and porcelain-creamy neck–

Uh, what was the question again?–

END