No Sympathy for the Devil.

It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted: it isn’t. Grow up!
— Jimmy Carr, comedian.

Supposedly a tale from the “real-life files” of Father Gabriel Amorth, Chief Exorcist of the Vatican (from 1986-2000), THE POPE’S EXORCIST follows Amorth in a 1987 case as he exorcises a young boy possessed by Mick Jagger (a known purveyor of “devil’s music”).

Amorth is played by Russell Crowe, bringing his mischievous twinkle and jocular personality; he’s the only watchable thing in this movie devoid of original ideas. (Look at the laundry list of writers! All adding their two cents of plagiarisms from other exorcist movies.) Peter DeSouza-Feighoney is little Henry, whose mother brought him and his sister to Spain, to renovate a rambling cathedral, only for a demon to possess Henry, make him look like the lead singer of The Stones, and then speak in a British accent to seal the deal (voice of Ralph Ineson, whom we all know was possessed by the devil all the way back in THE WITCH, 2015).

The demon requests Amorth’s presence, because it was exorcised by him years before. (Oh, so demons hold grudges just like humans, eh? I guess they attained that trait from the unimaginative humans who created them. Also, if Amorth successfully exorcised him before, why does the demon think he can win against Amorth now? What new incantations is the demon bringing to the battle? Has he been working out with Anatoly? This request itself makes zero sense.) No one knows how the boy can speak other languages or levitate or cause mighty winds. All they know is, he’s got the moves like Jagger.

Daniel Zovatto is young Father Equibel (because it’s imperative we copy THE EXORCIST and have a younger priest lacking in faith accompany the older one) – only here so that Amorth doesn’t have to exposit to himself about demons and wizards and dat ole debbil magick.

Amorth must apparently guess the demon’s name to rob its power. (“Pleased to meet you / Hope you’ve guessed my name…”) So after Amorth deduces the demon’s name – Asmodeus – why does the demon’s power increase? (Telekinesis, throwing people, fires, apparitions, earthquakes, etc.) Rules. Who needs ‘em? Certainly not the Catholic Church, who rage through breaking all Ten Commandments, Mortal Sins and Cardinal Sins whenever it suits them.

Digging deeper – literally, following passageways under the old cathedral – Amorth uncovers a Vatican conspiracy. And an excuse to rape boys. Ancient texts tell the tale of Asmodeus “possessing” the Grand Inquisitor (aka Torquemada) during the Inquisition of the 1400’s, therefore “everything that happens after this is the work of the devil – centuries of persecution and torture… done in the name of God – by the devil.” Amorth muses to his exposition partner, “The Vatican covered it up!” – but why WOULD they? It’s the perfect excuse for their atrocities in the name of religion. (So even if the Vatican did a cover-up in the movie story, the movie itself is acting as apologist for the Vatican by revealing this supposed cover-up. Either way, the pedophiles get their excuse heard by the world.)

If the real-life Amorth cooked up this rationalization, it’s easy to see why: it exculpates the Catholic Church in a propaganda blitz that blames the devil for any iniquity perpetrated by psychopath priests drunk on power. And it gives them the perfect excuse to continue fucking boys.

I can see Catholics entwining themselves around this excuse like drunken lovers. Never mind the fact that it only proves the weakness of the supposed servants of God who are so easily manipulated by possession; also proving the untrustworthiness of all those unpossessed priests that allowed the possessed ones to continue their atrocities without lifting a finger against them; also proving that God himself is so weak that he could not stop Asmodeus possessing his spiritually spineless avatars on earth.

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OG Franco Nero (JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2) is the Pope. Bad actress Alexandra Essoe is Henry’s mum, reminding us of Frances O’Connor “indicating” in TIMELINE – overacting her emotions. Henry’s older sister is Laurel Marsden, who does the climbing spider move from THE EXORCIST, because – zero original ideas. Her introductory scene sees her mother warning her to “stop dressing that way,” which might have been a telegraph of some rape to come – from either the cathedral workmen or the devil – but there is no follow-through on any subplot involving her budding sexuality. We have to deduce it was just a way for director Julius Avery (SAMARITAN) to get a loving shot of Marsden’s sensual smooth legs – or maybe he was possessed?! Yeh, that’s it!

Many explosions, growlings, skeletons and orchestra stabs later, Amorth succeeds in – I dunno, “convincing” Asmodeus to exit the boy, or do another solo record, or something… Who knows? It’s all magic who cares fuck you. Demons from another dimension speaking English; demon threatening Young Priest he’s going to drag him to hell – then throws him; Amorth getting possessed – Young Priest giving it the old “Power of Christ compels you” to exorcise Amorth…

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Relying on the superstitions and ignorance of the gullible Catholic “faith,” Amorth ate out on his so-called abilities his whole life. The credulity of the “religious” populace that would let this fearmonger grift them for decades is more astounding than the lack of creative thought that goes into possession movies. I mean, this guy didn’t live in the 1400s – he lived NOW, in the so-called Technological Age (1925-2016). His snake-oil musta been some sell!

Because NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. You know that, right?

No matter that Amorth feverishly “documented” these tales in his books (movie is based on Amorth’s An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories) – he NEVER confronted a demon sitting on a stone throne in a subterranean lair, and the Young Priest NEVER battled his illicit lover while she was covered in blood – if you believe ANY of this idiotic fiction, it further promotes the medieval trait of attributing monstrous behavior to the devil, instead of taking the responsibility for purely human deviancy. For example, people who engaged in cannibalism or desecrating corpses sexually, were thought to be “possessed” – now we know they are simply psychopaths.

In October 2000, it was reported [Amorth] had performed over 50,000 exorcisms… In March 2010, he said the number had increased to 70,000. By May 2013, he said he had performed 160,000 exorcisms in the course of his ministry.
— Wikipedia, citing Ron Dicker, Huffpost (May 31, 2013)

Firstly, if Amorth was employed by the Vatican as an “exorcist” it means he was employed to do NOTHING. He conned whole generations into thinking he was doing “God’s work” when he was doing no work at all. And the audacity to claim the honorific “The POPE’S Exorcist” – as if that lends him any more street cred than any regular “exorcists” conning terrified people into believing mental problems are supernatural.

160,000 exorcisms?! If Amorth started exorcising in 1986, and reported 160,000 by 2013 – do the math: there are 9,855 days in those 27 years. On average, that means 16 exorcisms PER DAY. (“… said he performed up to 20 exorcisms a day at his peak but has cut back to four a day.” – Ron Dicker, ibid.) I mean – what was this con-artist actually DOING? Exorcising every little twitch and Tourette’s Syndrome and atheist that crossed his path? To paraphrase Harry Callahan, “Pretty soon you exorcise your neighbor’s dog for pissing on your lawn.” Of course, Amorth never actually “exorcised” ONE SINGLE SOLITARY THING; not one person, demon, or sociopath…

And all the while, right under his nose, those truly evil incarnate entities who really needed exorcising, somehow Amorth never got around to them – rapist priests.

END

In space, no one can hear you mandroid.

Back in 1979, ALIEN was all about the Aliens. Now it’s about the mandroids. And no wonder. The resident mandroid in ALIEN: COVENANT is Michael Fassbender.

And haven’t I always effused over Michael Fassbender’s magnetic onscreen presence? Unwittingly or not, he has become the focal point of the modern ALIEN saga. Since the last ALIEN installment, PROMETHEUS (2012), his “synthetic human” David has been searching for the purpose of his existence almost as sagaciously as his human crewmate counterparts. In COVENANT, he finds his truth. The hissing, stabbing, disemboweling titular Alien xenomorphs are mere stepping stones in his path to robot redemption…

And I love it! I can already hear the whining that this particular story tack does not serve the greater ALIEN universe, and I can surely see the problems inherent in trying to pass this movie off as mid-part of a trilogy that is prequel to the original ALIEN movie, however, writer-director Ridley Scott (though he creates connectivity with ALIEN through the gradual appearance of the opening titles, camera techniques, sound design and creature design) opens a compelling hive of ideas in making Mankind’s ultimate fate decided by Mankind’s own creation.

This ain’t your daddy’s Bishop…

ALIEN: COVENANT is a majestic, foaming, throat-rending serpent of a film with concepts that will blow your mind as well as your chest cavity, production values that stun with their technical detail, shot through with a stark, madness-inducing soundtrack (by Jed Kurzel) that is not so much music as steel teeth on shoulder blades.

It is 2104. On her seven-year journey to the nearest habitable planet, the colonization starship named Covenant, transporting 2000 hypersleeping humans and 1000 embryos, with a crew of 15. Woken from their slumber by a solar flare, the crew receives an emergency transmission from a passing planet. They detour to investigate… (hmm, this sure sounds like an ALIEN movie, like, you know – ALIEN).

A malfunction in their sleeping pods burns their captain alive (James Franco cameo) and makes the crew uneager to resume their hypersleep to the distant planet, so, discovering the passing planet is habitable, they ponder on putting down roots. Until something in the air infiltrates two crew members and bursts fully-formed from their spines. Until something comes screeching from the dark to take chunks out of their hides. Until something leaps onto someone’s face and drives its feeding tube down their gullet…

In a prologue, we meet Fassbender as android David, already cultured and educated at his “awakening” by his creator Weyland (Guy Pearce). He names himself when he casts his gaze over Michelangelo’s David. Last we saw of him, David’s dismembered body (and still-functioning head) was onboard a “horseshoe” alien craft piloted by Noomi Rapace, bound for the planet of the Engineers…

The spaceship Covenant also has its Fassbender, the same model android called Walter. (But – because it’s Fassbender – Walter has a different accent and demeanor to David!) As Walter helps the crew against a night attack by ferocious assailants, a hooded David comes to their rescue. One of the coolest moments in the film is when David pulls back his hood – and no one is surprised it’s a Fassbender android. Besides, what’s better than one Fassbender? Why, TWO Fassbenders of course!

David, his Iggy Pop hair long and stringy, gives Walter a curt “Hello brother,” as he passes him.

What incredible visuals! By the time David is leading the crew to a stony haven through a city of scorched corpses, we have already been inundated by so many jaw-dropping sights: the solar sail on the ship (as Sagan once predicted), seeing storms in the atmosphere of the planet as they descend, the landing pod coming in over the lake, between mountains; as the emergency beacon is neared, the scarred jungle and then – one of the most satisfying payoffs in recent cinematic history – the crash-landed horseshoe spaceship!

To say nothing of the subtle visuals – like the two Fassbender androids onscreen at the same time, where the camera is panning across and around them constantly, seamlessly; they both put their hands on a recorder to play it together, they fight in closeup, they – kiss! (Even Fassbender cannot resist Fassbender!)

Ridley Scott once again populates his crew with tough females, but their roles pale beside that of the android; they now seem like stock inclusions, vestigial ghost notes of Ripley. When The Fassbender is onscreen, no one is usurping his spotlight.

Katherine Waterston is Daniels, ad hoc Ripley. Billy Crudup is ad hoc captain, Oram. And in a daring bit of stunt casting, Danny McBride is Texan pilot Tennessee (replete with cowboy hat and toughguy cred). The rest of the crew (Demian Bichir, Carmen Ejogo, Callie Hernandez, Amy Seimetz, Jussie Smollett) is here to provide breakfast, lunch and dinner for the Aliens. Viewers have complained that the ship’s crew being paired into married couples does not stir much empathy when their characters are never fleshed out enough to care. (Feasting Alien looks up: “Someone say ‘flesh out’?”) Thus, Daniels lost not only her captain in Franco but her husband. A shred of empathy peeks through, but not enough to– (Feasting Alien: “Someone say ‘shred’?”)

For those who complain ALIEN: COVENANT does not ask the “big questions,” there’s not much bigger than the origin of our species itself. And just like discovering the universe makes us small and insignificant, what humbling speculation to ponder on better genomes than ours inventing us as offhandedly as we would any robot, to entertain and serve at their behest, and then to discard without any compunction.

To us, David’s quandary may seem: Is he Adam, the first of a species, instilled with the right to spawn his own kind? Or is he Lucifer, the light bringer, the fallen angel ripped from heaven, bequeathed powers that he is exhorted not to use? (David: “Serve in Heaven or reign in Hell?”) His ultimate actions tell us David sees himself as much more celestial than those earthbound entities – he considers himself a god; hence, his amorality, when it comes to his part in the fates of the Engineers and Noomi Rapace…

As we, the creations, see ourselves as the heroes against our creators, the Engineers, Ridley Scott has re-framed the ALIEN franchise as peeking out through the eyes of the android, David, who sees himself as the hero against his creators, Humans. Endowed with the will to create, he has no time for empathy or frailty. He said in PROMETHEUS: “Sometimes to create, one must first destroy.”

Here, with his secret Alien breeding experiments, he has graduated to Percy Bysshe Shelley’s Ozymandias, “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings / Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair.” He does well to quote that poem, for the rest of it details the ruins of a colossal monument, around which nothing survives.

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As COVENANT ramps toward its rendezvous with 1979’s ALIEN, we see more connections – the computer is called Mother again, there are corridor scenes following blips on a radar that recall ALIEN, the Aliens start to look humanoid – and we discover WHY these interstellar Aliens mimic our physiognomy. The clues were in ALIEN 3 and ALIEN: RESURRECTION; when that Alien burst from the Rottweiler and assumed a bestial stance, and when Ripley’s genes were combined with the Alien Queen birthing that humanoid monstrosity.

All due to… mandroid Fassbender. We can safely say it was Fassbender artificially selecting Alien-Human hybrids in 2104 that led directly to Sigourney Weaver getting down to her panties in 1979.

END

The Dook of Death.

THE BABADOOK, an old-school horror movie with fresh psychological ambiguity. A monster without created from a monster within.

One night, single mother Amelia (Essie Davis) reads a strange bedtime story called The Babadook to her over-imaginative son Samuel (Noah Wiseman) that involves the ambiguous titular character pursuing them “until they’re dead.” Alarmed that the book would give her son nightmares, she hides it above the closet.

Soon enough, strange events start: noises, knocks (as described in the book, “Ba ba ba dook dook dook”), hallucinations, screaming darkness, creeping visions, and Samuel whining “Muuuuum! Mummy! Mummeeee!” so pitch-perfectly you kinda want him killed… Intertwined with Amelia’s disintegrating patience with her loud son are soul-shattering remembrances of her late husband. Until she – and we – cannot discern what is real, what is waking dream, and what is babadook.

Written and directed by Australian Jennifer Kent (her feature film directorial debut – respect!), THE BABADOOK is a master class of suspense; the plot is simple, the cast is sparse, the location is mainly one house.

Taken at face value, THE BABADOOK is tension from beginning to end; an atmosphere as taut as piano wire, with great traumatized acting from Davis, extremely effective, dynamic use of soundtrack, and scares which raise the hairs on your little cucumber legs. Taken metaphorically, it is gargantuan. Though we see funny little drawings of the creature in the pop-up storybook, the Babadook is never seen clearly in Amelia’s visions. You can call it many names: grief, loneliness, regret. And it resides in shades of black beneath your public face. How deep have you buried it? It rears a peeping head here, a curved claw there, interrupting your reveries and responsibilities at the most inopportune moments. On the TV. On the roof. In the corner where the light never reaches. And if you let it gain a foothold, it comes more often, and bigger than the last time. If it surfaces completely, how extreme would be its manifestation in your reality? How wrenching your torment? How guttural your scream?

Okay, time for bed.

END