No Sympathy for the Devil.

It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted: it isn’t. Grow up!
— Jimmy Carr, comedian.

Supposedly a tale from the “real-life files” of Father Gabriel Amorth, Chief Exorcist of the Vatican (from 1986-2000), THE POPE’S EXORCIST follows Amorth in a 1987 case as he exorcises a young boy possessed by Mick Jagger (a known purveyor of “devil’s music”).

Amorth is played by Russell Crowe, bringing his mischievous twinkle and jocular personality; he’s the only watchable thing in this movie devoid of original ideas. (Look at the laundry list of writers! All adding their two cents of plagiarisms from other exorcist movies.) Peter DeSouza-Feighoney is little Henry, whose mother brought him and his sister to Spain, to renovate a rambling cathedral, only for a demon to possess Henry, make him look like the lead singer of The Stones, and then speak in a British accent to seal the deal (voice of Ralph Ineson, whom we all know was possessed by the devil all the way back in THE WITCH, 2015).

The demon requests Amorth’s presence, because it was exorcised by him years before. (Oh, so demons hold grudges just like humans, eh? I guess they attained that trait from the unimaginative humans who created them. Also, if Amorth successfully exorcised him before, why does the demon think he can win against Amorth now? What new incantations is the demon bringing to the battle? Has he been working out with Anatoly? This request itself makes zero sense.) No one knows how the boy can speak other languages or levitate or cause mighty winds. All they know is, he’s got the moves like Jagger.

Daniel Zovatto is young Father Equibel (because it’s imperative we copy THE EXORCIST and have a younger priest lacking in faith accompany the older one) – only here so that Amorth doesn’t have to exposit to himself about demons and wizards and dat ole debbil magick.

Amorth must apparently guess the demon’s name to rob its power. (“Pleased to meet you / Hope you’ve guessed my name…”) So after Amorth deduces the demon’s name – Asmodeus – why does the demon’s power increase? (Telekinesis, throwing people, fires, apparitions, earthquakes, etc.) Rules. Who needs ‘em? Certainly not the Catholic Church, who rage through breaking all Ten Commandments, Mortal Sins and Cardinal Sins whenever it suits them.

Digging deeper – literally, following passageways under the old cathedral – Amorth uncovers a Vatican conspiracy. And an excuse to rape boys. Ancient texts tell the tale of Asmodeus “possessing” the Grand Inquisitor (aka Torquemada) during the Inquisition of the 1400’s, therefore “everything that happens after this is the work of the devil – centuries of persecution and torture… done in the name of God – by the devil.” Amorth muses to his exposition partner, “The Vatican covered it up!” – but why WOULD they? It’s the perfect excuse for their atrocities in the name of religion. (So even if the Vatican did a cover-up in the movie story, the movie itself is acting as apologist for the Vatican by revealing this supposed cover-up. Either way, the pedophiles get their excuse heard by the world.)

If the real-life Amorth cooked up this rationalization, it’s easy to see why: it exculpates the Catholic Church in a propaganda blitz that blames the devil for any iniquity perpetrated by psychopath priests drunk on power. And it gives them the perfect excuse to continue fucking boys.

I can see Catholics entwining themselves around this excuse like drunken lovers. Never mind the fact that it only proves the weakness of the supposed servants of God who are so easily manipulated by possession; also proving the untrustworthiness of all those unpossessed priests that allowed the possessed ones to continue their atrocities without lifting a finger against them; also proving that God himself is so weak that he could not stop Asmodeus possessing his spiritually spineless avatars on earth.

OG Franco Nero (JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2) is the Pope. Bad actress Alexandra Essoe is Henry’s mum, reminding us of Frances O’Connor “indicating” in TIMELINE – overacting her emotions. Henry’s older sister is Laurel Marsden, who does the climbing spider move from THE EXORCIST, because – zero original ideas. Her introductory scene sees her mother warning her to “stop dressing that way,” which might have been a telegraph of some rape to come – from either the cathedral workmen or the devil – but there is no follow-through on any subplot involving her budding sexuality. We have to deduce it was just a way for director Julius Avery (SAMARITAN) to get a loving shot of Marsden’s sensual smooth legs – or maybe he was possessed?! Yeh, that’s it!

The demon Asmodeus: he’d make a grown man cry.

Many explosions, growlings, skeletons and orchestra stabs later, Amorth succeeds in – I dunno, “convincing” Asmodeus to exit the boy, or do another solo record, or something… Who knows? It’s all magic who cares fuck you. Demons from another dimension speaking English; demon threatening Young Priest he’s going to drag him to hell – then throws him; Amorth getting possessed – Young Priest giving it the old “Power of Christ compels you” to exorcise Amorth…

Relying on the superstitions and ignorance of the gullible Catholic “faith,” Amorth ate out on his so-called abilities his whole life. The credulity of the “religious” populace that would let this fearmonger grift them for decades is more astounding than the lack of creative thought that goes into possession movies. I mean, this guy didn’t live in the 1400s – he lived NOW, in the so-called Technological Age (1925-2016). His snake-oil musta been some sell!

Because NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. You know that, right?

No matter that Amorth feverishly “documented” these tales in his books (movie is based on Amorth’s An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories) – he NEVER confronted a demon sitting on a stone throne in a subterranean lair, and the Young Priest NEVER battled his illicit lover while she was covered in blood – if you believe ANY of this idiotic fiction, it further promotes the medieval trait of attributing monstrous behavior to the devil, instead of taking the responsibility for purely human deviancy. For example, people who engaged in cannibalism or desecrating corpses sexually, were thought to be “possessed” – now we know they are simply psychopaths.

In October 2000, it was reported [Amorth] had performed over 50,000 exorcisms… In March 2010, he said the number had increased to 70,000. By May 2013, he said he had performed 160,000 exorcisms in the course of his ministry.
— Wikipedia, citing Ron Dicker, Huffpost (May 31, 2013)

Firstly, if Amorth was employed by the Vatican as an “exorcist” it means he was employed to do NOTHING. He conned whole generations into thinking he was doing “God’s work” when he was doing no work at all. And the audacity to claim the honorific “The POPE’S Exorcist” – as if that lends him any more street cred than any regular “exorcists” conning terrified people into believing mental problems are supernatural.

160,000 exorcisms?! If Amorth started exorcising in 1986, and reported 160,000 by 2013 – do the math: there are 9,855 days in those 27 years. On average, that means 16 exorcisms PER DAY. (“… said he performed up to 20 exorcisms a day at his peak but has cut back to four a day.” – Ron Dicker, ibid.) I mean – what was this con-artist actually DOING? Exorcising every little twitch and Tourette’s Syndrome and atheist that crossed his path? To paraphrase Harry Callahan, “Pretty soon you exorcise your neighbor’s dog for pissing on your lawn.” Of course, Amorth never actually “exorcised” ONE SINGLE SOLITARY THING; not one person, demon, or sociopath…

And all the while, right under his nose, those truly evil incarnate entities who really needed exorcising, somehow Amorth never got around to them – rapist priests.

END

Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in.

After two movies, author C.S. Lewis‘s epic saga of the magical Narnia universe is going nowhere fabulously fast. And by that I mean, director Michael Apted (THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH) has been taking lessons from George Lucas, by Making It Up As He Goes Along, and allowing CGI to tell the story that his inept actors cannot convey. Ironic that this third installment in the Narnia franchise is a travelogue, a road movie that stands still.

The magic has been completely lost. Two reasons: The dynamic of the four young children discovering a fantasy world is sorely missing, the two Elder Snobs (William Moseley and Anna Popplewell) only appearing in inane cameos, leaving the burden of screentime to their non-actor siblings, Edmund (Skandar Keynes, whose line reads are incredibly awesome for a block of wood) and Lucy (Georgie Henley, who continues to pout her lines like a Disney infant on Christmas Day, even though she’s now sporting chest buds). Oh yes, and now they have a Cousin Oliver* along for the ride (*the classic BRADY BUNCH gambit of introducing a younger child into the fray to retain the cuteness level due to the original cast growing old and bloated) – Will Poulter as their whining, sniveling cousin Eustace. Secondly, the awe and wonder of actually being in Narnia is also non-existent; these two Younger Snobs expect to be treated with obeisance now, not due to any feats of monarchy, but as a taken-for-granted condition, welcoming it as a kind of escapism from their dreary London existence in the Real World during WWII. Their hubris at landing back in Narnia (through a painting) and then being bowed to and fawned over fries my brain.

They meet Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) helming the Dawn Treader sailing vessel, in search of some old guys with long swords and longer beards. He introduces them to his crew, “Edmund and Lucy – the high king and queen of Narnia.” Well, someone must be high, to believe those titles hold any credence…

This forgettable piece of CGI garbage, like its predecessors, is littered passim with Christ allegories, the most obvious being Aslan the Christ-y Lion, who appears intermittently to remind everyone how he works in mysterious ways. Liam Neeson voices Aslan, with as much verve as he played Qui Gon Jin, which means he phoned it in while playing with his Jar Jar Binks. At one point, Aslan appears in a mirror to Lucy – she looks at the room behind her, but he is not there, only in the mirror. Which means he’s some kind of anti-vampire. And if Aslan is anti-vampire, that can only mean one thing – he’s Taylor Lautner.

Director employs the tried-and-true B-Movie Directing Method of keeping the first take where no one flubs their lines. No characterization to speak of, everyone reading their sides dutifully and letting the special effects go to work for them. Only character fully fleshed-out is the mouse Reepicheep (Simon Pegg) – and he’s a special effect.

Every time the Dawn Treader docks, we brace ourselves for another pointless “adventure” that meanders nowhere and means nothing. Characters appear. Senselessly. (Example: if you haven’t seen the previous two movies, of what significance is Tilda Swinton’s ghostly appearance as the White Witch to tempt Edmund?)

Then magic happens. Over and over again. That last vestige of bad storytelling. Whenever you use magic in your story, the trick, so to speak, is to make it seem nonintrusive, organic; not like a deus ex machina, but something that has defined rules and limitations. In the NARNIA movies, like those execrable HARRY POTTER debacles, magic is used arbitrarily to drive the plot. It’s a contrivance, a convenience. Used, then ignored. But then, to a delusional christian fanatic like C.S. Lewis, Jesus is magic, so snap!

The captain mentions “sea serpents” and Edmund actually scoffs at him! Of course, in a land where animals talk and magic runs everything, there couldn’t possibly be sea serpents – that’s just crazy talk!

Then Eustace is turned into a dragon. By magic. Uh, okaaaay. Seeing as he whimpers about this plot point, we presume it was used to humble him… but if this brat was not humbled by all the evidence of magic and talking animals, what precludes him from becoming an even bigger arsehole when he acquires the mantle of a twenty-foot fire-breathing dragon?! Oh, these powerful demon-wings enabling me to fly and this breath that can immolate kingdoms is really making me feel small and insecure, and remorseful that I insulted everyone!… Who schooled C.S. Lewis on human nature – a minotaur?

After the boring climax fighting off that sea serpent that happened to be real, they all end up on the Island of Lost Toys or whatever and meet Aslan Lautner. As a perpetual tsunami kisses the shore but doesn’t break (like THE ABYSS), Neeson is now so freakin’ bored of playing this lion’s pixels that he’s making stuff up like, “I exist in your world as well, under a different name.” Hmm, let’s see: a guy who died and came back to life, a guy who lives in dark sanctuaries where your minions gather to eat your body and drink your blood, a mysterious being who can take many forms and appear in your dreams, a guy who can grant eternal life, yet a vengeful spirit who kills the good and evil alike without any discernment… Dude, in this world, are you Dracula?

END