Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in.

After two movies, author C.S. Lewis‘s epic saga of the magical Narnia universe is going nowhere fabulously fast. And by that I mean, director Michael Apted (THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH) has been taking lessons from George Lucas, by Making It Up As He Goes Along, and allowing CGI to tell the story that his inept actors cannot convey. Ironic that this third installment in the Narnia franchise is a travelogue, a road movie that stands still.

The magic has been completely lost. Two reasons: The dynamic of the four young children discovering a fantasy world is sorely missing, the two Elder Snobs (William Moseley and Anna Popplewell) only appearing in inane cameos, leaving the burden of screentime to their non-actor siblings, Edmund (Skandar Keynes, whose line reads are incredibly awesome for a block of wood) and Lucy (Georgie Henley, who continues to pout her lines like a Disney infant on Christmas Day, even though she’s now sporting chest buds). Oh yes, and now they have a Cousin Oliver* along for the ride (*the classic BRADY BUNCH gambit of introducing a younger child into the fray to retain the cuteness level due to the original cast growing old and bloated) – Will Poulter as their whining, sniveling cousin Eustace. Secondly, the awe and wonder of actually being in Narnia is also non-existent; these two Younger Snobs expect to be treated with obeisance now, not due to any feats of monarchy, but as a taken-for-granted condition, welcoming it as a kind of escapism from their dreary London existence in the Real World during WWII. Their hubris at landing back in Narnia (through a painting) and then being bowed to and fawned over fries my brain.

They meet Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) helming the Dawn Treader sailing vessel, in search of some old guys with long swords and longer beards. He introduces them to his crew, “Edmund and Lucy – the high king and queen of Narnia.” Well, someone must be high, to believe those titles hold any credence…

This forgettable piece of CGI garbage, like its predecessors, is littered passim with Christ allegories, the most obvious being Aslan the Christ-y Lion, who appears intermittently to remind everyone how he works in mysterious ways. Liam Neeson voices Aslan, with as much verve as he played Qui Gon Jin, which means he phoned it in while playing with his Jar Jar Binks. At one point, Aslan appears in a mirror to Lucy – she looks at the room behind her, but he is not there, only in the mirror. Which means he’s some kind of anti-vampire. And if Aslan is anti-vampire, that can only mean one thing – he’s Taylor Lautner.

Director employs the tried-and-true B-Movie Directing Method of keeping the first take where no one flubs their lines. No characterization to speak of, everyone reading their sides dutifully and letting the special effects go to work for them. Only character fully fleshed-out is the mouse Reepicheep (Simon Pegg) – and he’s a special effect.

Every time the Dawn Treader docks, we brace ourselves for another pointless “adventure” that meanders nowhere and means nothing. Characters appear. Senselessly. (Example: if you haven’t seen the previous two movies, of what significance is Tilda Swinton’s ghostly appearance as the White Witch to tempt Edmund?)

Then magic happens. Over and over again. That last vestige of bad storytelling. Whenever you use magic in your story, the trick, so to speak, is to make it seem nonintrusive, organic; not like a deus ex machina, but something that has defined rules and limitations. In the NARNIA movies, like those execrable HARRY POTTER debacles, magic is used arbitrarily to drive the plot. It’s a contrivance, a convenience. Used, then ignored. But then, to a delusional christian fanatic like C.S. Lewis, Jesus is magic, so snap!

The captain mentions “sea serpents” and Edmund actually scoffs at him! Of course, in a land where animals talk and magic runs everything, there couldn’t possibly be sea serpents – that’s just crazy talk!

Then Eustace is turned into a dragon. By magic. Uh, okaaaay. Seeing as he whimpers about this plot point, we presume it was used to humble him… but if this brat was not humbled by all the evidence of magic and talking animals, what precludes him from becoming an even bigger arsehole when he acquires the mantle of a twenty-foot fire-breathing dragon?! Oh, these powerful demon-wings enabling me to fly and this breath that can immolate kingdoms is really making me feel small and insecure, and remorseful that I insulted everyone!… Who schooled C.S. Lewis on human nature – a minotaur?

After the boring climax fighting off that sea serpent that happened to be real, they all end up on the Island of Lost Toys or whatever and meet Aslan Lautner. As a perpetual tsunami kisses the shore but doesn’t break (like THE ABYSS), Neeson is now so freakin’ bored of playing this lion’s pixels that he’s making stuff up like, “I exist in your world as well, under a different name.” Hmm, let’s see: a guy who died and came back to life, a guy who lives in dark sanctuaries where your minions gather to eat your body and drink your blood, a mysterious being who can take many forms and appear in your dreams, a guy who can grant eternal life, yet a vengeful spirit who kills the good and evil alike without any discernment… Dude, in this world, are you Dracula?

END

The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen.

Has stupider become the new darker?

Everyone thrills at describing how PRINCE CASPIAN, the second movie in THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA series, is “darker” than its predecessor, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (2005).

But they lost me at pasty, delicate, British kids playing pretend “warriors.” I’m just not buying any of it. Every time William Moseley introduces himself as “King Peter the Magnificent,” milk shoots out of my nose whether I’m drinking it or not.

In director Andrew Adamson‘s followup to his above-mediocre WARDROBE, we catch up with our four “heroes” back in snooty old London, Peter (Moseley), Edmund (Skandar Keynes), Lucy (Georgie Henley) and Susan (Anna Popplewell, whose drab gray schoolgirl outfit is simply an invitation for me to lock the doors, break out the hand lotion, and popple well). They aren’t there long, as a crisis is brewing in Narnia, and indeterminately-Euro Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) blows his magic horn to summon them back to the land of annoying talking animals.

It is hundreds of years since they left and Narnia has become at least as savage as any given petting zoo. Cos it’s “darker,” see. Caspian is the “rightful” heir to the Narnia throne, while a knight who looks like Jean Reno (Sergio Castellitto) is trying to kill him and claim it for himself. Having the ballsac of a mosquito, Caspian calls on the magical help of the Kings and Queens of Olde. He’s right to be disappointed when Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy appear, although he does end up making eyes at Susan for three whole seconds. More than enough sex for a Disney feature.

Still, there’s sure a lotta killin’ for a christian kid’s movie – bloodless, to be sure, but those pasty Brit kids seem to revel in their bloodthirsty magical weapons taking lives.

The overarching storyline is that of Prince Caspian uniting all the annoying talking animals in a war against Jean Reno – but movie is nothing more than battle after battle, broken up by boring slow passages where people whine about Aslan the Lion (Liam Neeson) not being around. Which makes you wonder why the golden furball waits until the end of the film to turn up, roar a little and tell Lucy “Things never happen the same way twice.” Great excuse, lion! Right up there with “She lost the will to live” in the George Lucas Movie Reasons For Dummies book.

A night raid on Reno’s castle achieves nothing; simply a good excuse to get more christian killing done, and allow Peter to voice his embarrassing battle-cry, “For Narnia!” in slomo. And when Susan climbs on the back of that centaur – now Disney, you’re making me think bad thoughts again.

Desperately trying to be LORD OF THE RINGS – and failing with a badger up its gollum – the final phoney straw comes when the TREES join the battle, in what looks like The Battle of Pellenor Fields meets Los Angeles Petting Zoo.

Tilda Swinton cameos as The White Queen, and when Caspian tries to touch her, Susan gets pouty! – even though she never expressed any interest whatsoever in him! Like every chick who expects you to pine after her even though she gives no indication she wants you to pine, Susan sulks like a high maintenance girlfriend when Caspian seeks elsewhere what he knew he was never gonna get from under her heavily-fortified Disney skirt.

It’s about then that Caspian realizes he’s just a glorified extra and fades into the middle background peacefully.

Arrogant snot High King Peter Of The Unearned Title challenges Reno to a mano a mano duel, goes striding out with his MAGIC SWORD by his side – and still can’t bring down the mortal man fairly! Either Reno’s excellent fighting skills can circumvent magic who cares fuck you, or I’d be hunting down Santa Claus to get my money back on this “magic” sword that refuses to find its mark.

Point of this solo battle was to avoid full scale war, yet after they pad twenty minutes of Peter getting his magic-sword-weilding ass handed to him by a real knight – they launch into full scale battle anyway. To pad the film until Aslan turns up and roars. More magic who cares fuck you. Deus ex machina water spirit eats Jean Reno. Kids go back to London after whining over how much they’ll miss Narnia until funding comes through for another sequel.

END

The Lyin,’ the Snitch and the Whored Road.

Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe.

When I was 13, I loved the C.S. Lewis book so madly that I forced my mother to read it on the train on her way to work every day. Fast forward thirty years, I knew the film version of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE would not measure up to rose-colored memories, but the added sadness is that this allegorical tale of tragic satyrs, evil wolves, regal lions and accommodating beavers is not even my demographic any more (well, excepting accommodating beavers).

The irony: the demographic this film appeals to – don’t read books anymore! I imagine the first thing a youngster would do if they enjoyed this film is to seek out the Playstation game. (Sigh) You kids today with your miniskirts and your hula hoops…

Set during WWII, young teen and pasty Brit, Peter Pevensie (William Moseley) and his younger, pastier siblings, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, discover a wormhole in a wardrobe, leading to a land of eternal winter and constant special effects called Narnia. Two factions battle in this land (where every animal speaks English and is either CGI, or a human in heavy makeup): “good” animals pander to Aslan the Christ-y Lion (voice of Liam Neeson, who does more acting as this lion’s pixels than in all his screentime on PHANTOM MENACE), and “bad” animals aid the White Witch (Tilda Swinton, badly in need of a boyfriend or a vibrator).

The pasty Brit kids join Aslan, except for Edmund (Skandar Keynes), who is tempted to the side of the White Witch with Turkish Delight. (If there was any more evidence needed as to how infrequently these pasty kids get out in the sun or get out of the house at all, I think that Turkish Delight scam should tell you all you need to know.)

Also starring James McEvoy as Mr. Tumnus the Faun, James Cosmo as Father Christmas, Rupert Everett as a Fox, Jim Broadbent as Professor Kirke, and Ray Winstone as The Beaver (yes, I meant it to sound like that).

The Cuketaur

There are spectacular sights in CHRONICLES – centaurs and moving statues and mythical muscled beasts – which will no doubt entice the kids, but the messages of good versus evil come across loud and unclear. Just like a Disney movie on steroids, the contradictions and all the insufferable prophesy just make us feel stupid and dirty and insulted.

For example, Edmund constantly betrays his siblings, yet is brought back into the fold after Aslan gives him a stern talk. We don’t hear the conversation, but we’d like it to go something like, “You do this again and I will rip your limbs from your torso and make you watch me bitchslap you with your own limp wrist!” but we know it would be closer to, “That was very bad, Edmund!” No lessons learned in earning absolution, or even getting the shit kicked out of you as retribution for being a Benedict Arnold.

It is no secret that author C.S. Lewis was an indoctrinated insane person, i.e. someone who believed fervently in christianity. So no surprise when Aslan gets all allegorical and sacrifices his life for the sins of others – and is resurrected. How very Jesus of him. But in a reality where resurrection exists, why can’t the White Witch resurrect after she is killed by Aslan at the end? Guess it had something to do with her midi-chlorian count.

And then there’s Santa Claus – the OTHER Jesus. Father Christmas (called “Christmas” even though Christ never visited Narnia) bequeaths the Brit kids weapons, even though his credo is “Battles are ugly affairs.” Thanks, Santa – leave the hardware and piss off! When Christmas hands an archery set to Susan (Anna Popplewell), and she asks, “What happened to ‘Battles are ugly affairs’? he just chuckles and changes the subject! Piling stupidity on stupidity, these “magic” weapons supposedly “work every time,” so why does Susan bother “getting in some practice” with them? And if they are NOT magic, getting in ten minutes of practice is not going to save your pasty British arse.

But we find that standards are pretty low out here in Narnia – all it takes for Peter to be knighted by Aslan is for a wolf to jump at him and for his sword to be in the way. Suddenly he’s “Sir Peter Wolfsbane.” Now… if the weapons are magical, then what credit should Peter take for the sword killing a wolf? These kids don’t earn one whit of their “battle” experience, yet they are lauded throughout the story as prophesied saviors of Narnia.

How come in any prophesy-heavy fiction (REVENGE OF THE SITH, LORD OF THE RINGS, The King James Bible) no one ever admits to a prophesy going unfulfilled, thereby proving what a load of bunkum it is?

The denizens of Narnia refer to the human boys as “Son of Adam,” which means Narnia believes in the Olde Testament, which means it’s a Creationist state (like moronic Kansas) – which means the thirteen-year-old cucumber who loved this story is liking it less and less.

The fact that the White Witch’s wolves speak the King’s English makes them less scary. It means they can be reasoned with. That doesn’t seem to stop the kids doing one stupid thing after another: in an effort to stop an ice floe from melting, Peter stabs his sword into the ice to use as a handhold – but wouldn’t stabbing the ice make it split exactly where he stabbed it? Instead, they all hold onto this lever and ride the rapids away from the wolves.

When they exit the freezing river, Peter, who was holding onto little Lucy by her jacket, now only holds her jacket and has lost Lucy. Susan looks at Peter and cries out, “What have you done?!” as if he meant to lose her on purpose. While I’m busy looking at Susan, all wet and cold, looking pretty damn hot – in a stuck-up, Catholic School kinda way.

Silliness continues to the end of the movie, director Andrew Adamson hoping he can sweep it under the banner of “kid’s movie” and throwing action battle at us like beaver at a strip club. But like Disney’s debacles, the treacle runs so thick it will choke children on unreality before they can enter the real world, wholly unprepared to be choked by its reality.

Like LEAVE IT TO BEAVER with better special effects. And actual beavers.

END