A Spock Chop to the Stupid Nerve.

THE KARATE KID PART III finds Daniel LaRusso conned into competing in a karate tournament, with a savage opponent who is no match for Daniel’s stunning mediocrity.

Daniel-san (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) return to LA from Japan, and proceed with their boring life in Reseda, Miyagi convincing Daniel not to participate in any more karate tournaments. That’s what the teens of 1989 came to see: an old guy and his ambiguously-fey student cleaning out a warehouse to sell bonsai trees…

Movie opens with flashbacks from the first two KARATE KID films, focusing on sensei Kreese (Martin Kove), who then appears in this film’s prelude, broke and defeated, visiting his rich friend Terry Silver (Thomas Ian Griffith, actually trained in Tae Kwon Do, Kenpo and kickboxing), to hand over ownership of his Cobra Kai dojo. Instead, to repay Kreese for saving his butt in Viet Nam “more times than I can count,” Silver lets Kreese keep the dojo, sends him on an all-expenses trip to Tahiti, and plots revenge on the men who broke his bro’s spirit – Miyagi and Daniel.

The one-line plot-fixes come at breakneck pace in the first few minutes: Daniel’s mother is once again written out of the story by “taking care of Uncle Louie” in Somewhere Else USA, asking Miyagi to room her son; no talk of money to feed the growing boy (who is actually 28, still looking 14); Daniel’s love interest from the last film, Kumiko, is going on a dance tour instead of following him to LA. Considering she was his “Glory Of Love” chick, I suspect that Daniel taking her loss with such equanimity is less about him being happy about her following her destiny, and more about Macchio not possessing the acting muscles to portray the correct distraught emotion.

Miyagi is broke, so Daniel uses the money they won in Okinawa to lease a property for a bonsai store, “with enough left over for renovations” – jesus christ! How much did they win?! Wasn’t it just about $1200? Oh, I forget, this is the 80s, when rent and renovations came to about $4.60.

Daniel Meets Cute the literal girl-next-door (Robyn Lively as Jessica), and she immediately Friend Zones him, saying she has a boyfriend out-of-state, yet goes out with Daniel dancing, jogging, rock climbing – everything but fucking. She’s no Elisabeth Shue. And she’s no actor either. Her only reason for being here is to give Daniel something to talk to, so that he’s not expositing info to himself like a mental patient. And talk he does. (Bad decision giving the most lines to the guy who can’t act.) This gimp just won’t shut up, babbling constantly to Miyagi, to Jessica, to anyone who’ll listen to his monotone whine. No wonder everyone who meets him wants to beat the shit out of him.

But I really wonder why the filmmakers (once again, writer Robert Mark Kamen, and director John G. Avildsen) avoid giving Daniel a mature love interest. Jessica disappears before the finale (her kitty aching for some real man-love, which she was never gonna find around dork Daniel), so in the climactic orchestra swell after Daniel invariably wins the stupid karate tournament, there’s no one whose arms he can run into, except Miyagi’s, and he yells and carries on uncomfortably around the embarrassed Miyagi until the freeze frame.

Terry Silver, though an imposing 6’5” with formidable skills and an “I’m-an-asshole” ponytail, presents himself as a dutiful karate student to Miyagi and Daniel, playing a long con, insinuating himself into their confidence by apologizing on behalf of Kreese, whom he reports as “dead.” While unbeknownst to Miyagi and Daniel, Silver has simultaneously employed karate badboy, Mike Barnes (Sean Kanan) and his idiotboy sidekick Snake (director’s son, Jonathan Avildsen, who so wants to be Sean Astin – aim high, bro!) to terrorize Daniel into competing in the tournament. The screenwriting is so dumbfuck at this point, regarding the rules of the comp and an application that Daniel refuses to sign, that it’s best to just watch the rest of the movie on drugs.

Daniel and Jessica rappel down a seaside cliff to get a bonsai – why? Because apparently, it’s worth $10,000 and “could set Miyagi up for life”… $10,000 can set you up for life? Oh, I forgot – it’s the 80s. But this unnecessary little side quest was simply to get Daniel in a life-threatening situation where Barnes could blackmail him to sign the application, which he does. Whatever drugs you’re using to watch the rest of this movie, the ridiculous plotting tells us the screenwriter is on better shit.

Since Miyagi made it clear he turned his back on competitive karate, Daniel is driven into the tutelage of Silver, who puts Daniel through pain, psychologically and physically. The only flaw in Silver’s plan was banking on Miyagi refusing to train Daniel. If Miyagi saw through the ruse and started training Daniel, none of Silver’s pain would’ve transpired. The writers made Miyagi dumb for just this one plot point. (Whereas the writers themselves are actually dumb throughout the whole screenplay.)

Barnes and Snake attack Daniel many times, and for a guy who blabs so much, Daniel never says a word to Miyagi about the terrorist attacks – until Silver, Kreese and Barnes all jump Daniel in a dojo, laughing like cartoon hyenas, whereupon Miyagi’s stuntman kicks all their asses. After being beaten, THEY laugh at Miyagi like THEY won! And when Miyagi tells Daniel he will now train him to combat these hyenas, they laugh even more – What is the matter with you morons? The guy whose stuntman just kicked your asses is going to train his boy to fight your overacting jackass. If that doesn’t make you break out in a cold sweat, you need to stop with the drugs that are making you laugh like that.

If BACK TO THE FUTURE, THE GODFATHER and THE DARK KNIGHT are some of the best trilogies ever committed to film, then surely THE KARATE KID trilogy is one of the worst ever vomited onto celluloid. The 2018 resurrection of these characters in the excellent COBRA KAI series has garnered some retrospective love for the original films, but that doesn’t change these scripts that repeat themselves, meander and make no sense, or the dialogue that a 10-year-old might think is sophisticated, or the cartoon villains, one-dimensional heroes, and a lead actor that brings it all crashing down with his utter lack of acting ability!

The message is clear: the best way to win a karate tournament is to be Friend Zoned.

END

When Acting Happen, No Be There…

The doofus and his master travel to Japan, where they will encounter another karate master who wants them dead, another karate student who wants to maim Doofus, and another girl who falls for the willowy Doofus even through his atrocious acting, in the continuing adventures of THE KARATE KID PART II.

Back in the mid-80s, sequels aren’t what they are in the 2020s – filmmakers never went into every single project looking to create a franchise. KARATE KID grossing over $100 million and becoming one of the biggest sleeper hits of 1984 made a sequel viable, but no actors from the original film were locked into multi-picture deals, so though young Daniel (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) return for PART II, no one else from the first film is here, and movie has to hash its way through excuses as to why Ali-With-An-I (Elizabeth Shue) and Daniel’s mum are no longer onscreen.

It’s a pity, because Kreese (Martin Kove) and Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka), the villains from the previous film, were available, and open this film with a coda to the first film, showing us what happened directly after Daniel won the All-Valley Karate Tournament with his stupid and illegal crane kick to Johnny’s face – Johnny is attacked by Kreese for losing, and then Kreese is humiliated by Miyagi. (In retrospect, it would have been great to have had Johnny in another KARATE KID film, as only decades hence would we realize what a great actor Zabka is; I guess it needed the arc of time to make his hero’s journey so compelling in 2018’s COBRA KAI SEASON ONE. Also, the filmmakers redeemed him at the end of KK, so they probably felt there was nowhere to go with that character.)

The same crew return for the sequel: screenwriter Robert Mark Kamen, director John G. Avildsen (who did ROCKY), and music by Bill Conti (also ROCKY). But this ain’t ROCKY. More like DOOFY. With characters copied-and-pasted from the previous film. Except now they’re JAPANESE…

Pitch meeting: “Daniel and Miyagi go to Japan!” Thus the filmmakers had to brainstorm the biggest dumbest plot point of all: how to get a poverty-line kid a plane ticket to Okinawa, and why. Out of nowhere, they manufacture Miyagi’s father on his deathbed in Japan, which would yield a great B-story, as Miyagi’s father also mentored Miyagi’s best friend-turned-rival, both seeking the love of the same woman. (It’s weird imagining the elderly Miyagi having a father, but remember it was only the 1980s.) Now the writers have to scrape their minds for how and why to place doofus Daniel in this infinitely more compelling story.

Out of their arses, they pull Daniel’s dialogue, “I used my college fund” – you have a college fund? That you just stole to buy a ticket to Japan for no reason at all? “I want to be there for you, Mr. Miyagi, the way you’re always there for me!”… those million monkeys typing Shakespeare couldn’t come up with a more harebrained storyline.

In Japan, we meet Miyagi’s nemesis, Sato (Danny Kamekona), and the girl they both loved, Yukie (Nobu McCarthy, THE GEISHA BOY). Their tangled past relationship drives Sato to vow Miyagi’s death at his hands, no matter that their sensei – Miyagi’s dying father – wishes them to reconcile. This B-story would have singlehandedly saved the movie from the cringe antics and acting of beanstem Macchio – if only the filmmakers respected the Japanese culture and allowed them to communicate in their native tongue. Instead, all the Japanese characters speak to each other IN BROKEN ENGLISH! Even when two Japanese characters are alone in intimate moments (Yukie and Miyagi) they’re both speaking in broken English! I’d like a little Western hubris to go with my Hiroshima please.

With the all-new characters, the filmmakers desperately want US to experience everything as “new” again for Daniel – new love Kumiko (Tamlyn Tomita), new nemesis Chozen (Yuji Okumoto), who is Sato’s student – they’re trying to sell us the same old emotions in a new packaging. It might have worked – if Macchio had an ounce of acting talent. Every scene with Daniel and Kumiko is a cringe-flirt on their way to a non-chemistry relationship (with Peter Cetera’s Glory Of Love clouding the soundtrack); every scene with antagonist Chozen is a laughable lopsided display of Chozen chewing villain scenery and Daniel wondering if acting is a vocation he should be pursuing. Still, Macchio is perfect casting: a born victim – one look at that rail-thin cringey milksop and you wanna beat him to a pulp and take his lunch money.

Morita imbues his Miyagi with solemnity and humor, always ready with a wise aphorism (“Best way to avoid punch, no be there”) or a punchline (“Never been attacked by tree”). He’s also a candidate for singlehandedly saving the film, while alongside a numbnuts who insists on bringing it down to doofus level. And Miyagi gets to kick some serious ass (unfortunately, not Daniel’s, but some bullies). It’s like Yoda in ATTACK OF THE CLONES – suddenly seeing this diminutive, quiet man rupture spleens.

And is that a young BD Wong? Giving Kumiko and Daniel invitations to a sock-hop and a dino DNA mixer to follow…

The moving plight of Miyagi’s lost love who never married, and the touching B-story payoff of Miyagi saving Sato’s life by performing a superhuman feat to prove his superiority, is all subsumed under the casual racism of Broken English.

The actual climax is a half-baked bullshido skirmish between Daniel and Chozen, ramping the stakes up by having Chozen threatening to kill Kumiko if Daniel doesn’t fight him. As Miyagi says, “This not tournament. This real.” Which makes us care even less – because if Macchio is so emotionally removed due to his lack of acting prowess, why should WE go there in our heads and hearts? Daniel tries the stupid crane move, which Chozen easily blocks, sending Daniel into a tizzy of indecision and getting his ass kicked (I like this part of the film), until he remembers the new patented “swiveling drum” move – remembers it because, for some reason, everyone in the venue has one of those little drums and starts spinning it.

One of the reasons we can’t relate to Daniel: whenever he gets a new move, he tries it once or twice, and when he employs it for real, he’s a tenth-dan black belt at the move – no physical striving, no emotional struggle – which is strange, considering director Avildsen is renowned for creating one of the first “training montages” with ROCKY, to illustrate a hero’s journey in compressed time. Not so here, where everything comes to Daniel breezily whenever he needs to access it, like magic who cares fuck you.

The lesson being, the key to good karate is: Speak Engrish in Japanese Accent.

END

Sensei Silver: “This time – it’s ambiguous.”

The UnMotivation of Terry Silver.

Well, we got the exceptional Season One (The Rebirth of Johnny Lawrence,) the very good Season Two (The Re-emergence of John Kreese), the fan-service Season Three (the Reboot of Kumiko and Chozen and Ali with an I) and now COBRA KAI SEASON FOUR, that re-tools the psychopathic tool from KARATE KID PART III. Yes, it’s Terry Silver (with his trademark “I’m-an-asshole” ponytail now a distinguished grey), his character written so lackadaisically and with such fabricated motivation that it puts Fonzie on his skis (i.e., the Season has jumped the shark).

The showrunners of COBRA KAI (Josh Heald, Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg) made a big mistake with Terry Silver (reprised by Thomas Ian Griffith) – they kept him rich. When broke, defeated Kreese (Martin Kove) visited Silver in III, Silver gladly aided Kreese, for Kreese saving his life in Viet Nam “so many times I lost count.” Silver lasciviously embraced his revenge on Miyagi and Daniel with a young man’s fervor; his psychopathic motivation felt organic. But now, Kreese visits Silver to tempt him back to train Cobra Kai – they’re both old men, with Silver not wanting for anything, psychologically or financially. So can Kreese offer ANYTHING to Silver that will lead him to forsake his 1% lifestyle and dive back into the karate problems of tweenies?

The bad writing tells us there IS.

And that bad writing… starts immediately, as Kreese chastises a guest at Silver’s vegan brunch: “Karate is not a phase – it’s a way of life – you can leave it for a while but it never leaves YOU.” Uh, karate – like every practiced discipline – is a perishable skill. It DOES leave you. Everything Kreese says hits awkwardly or stupidly – one of Silver’s guests calls Cobra Kai “adorable” and Kreese says later, “the Terry Silver that I knew would have roundhoused old foureyes back there for calling Cobra Kai adorable.” Which means the Terry Silver you knew was an unbalanced bitchbaby with no social skills.

Sensei Kreese: a trove of tropes.

Kreese continues, “People needed to learn some respect, some discipline…”
– I guess roundhousing that guy shows respect for his opinion. And calling him “foureyes”? Also very respectful!

“…that’s why we started Cobra Kai…”
– IS it?

“…there’s a whole new generation out there that can use what we know…”
– man, are you on this millionaire’s sundeck overlooking the Pacific and trying to tempt him with a karate tutor position in a dojo in Reseda?

Kreese says LaRusso and Lawrence are working together so “That’s why I’m here. I need a partner”
– uh, wake me when this becomes relevant to the millionaire.

Silver actually nails the irrelevancy when he declines, “I spent months terrorizing a teenager over a high school karate tournament. It sounds insane just talking about it!”

THANK YOU!

So the writers play their trump card (– or is that trope card?), reminding us that Silver owes his life to Kreese for Viet Nam. (Nam is like Woodstock – everyone was there!) Thus, the filmmakers retcon a whole buncha bromancing flashback scenes, with Silver telling Kreese he’ll do anything for him.

And that bros-before-Cointreaus reason is what drives Silver back to Kreese – YET – the writers keep playing Kreese as if he’s offering some kinda spiritual edification to Silver: “Did you just lock those memories away so long, you forgot who you are?”
– WHO HE IS? Maybe he’s a classical pianist –
Opening Silver scene shows him tearing up the keys with Franz Liszt’s Grandes Etudes De Paganini S.141: No 3 in G-sharp minor. Do you know how many years of solid devotion it takes to be able to play like that? So who does Kreese think Terry Silver REALLY is – a bully of young boys?!

The stupid thing is: the writers make Silver respond to Kreese as if he’s affected by Kreese’s rhetoric. Now many of you might say, because Silver IS an inherent bully and that’s what draws him to Kreese’s offer – an outlet for his truly villainous personality. Sure – if he was working at a car wash in East LA.  But Terry’s life is the upper echelon of wealth. He’s had every opportunity to channel his bullying streak towards every person he trampled on the ladder up the business world. How is any of Kreese’s low-rent rhetoric affecting his psyche?

Kreese’s every line is idiotic: “People expect men of our age to pack it in and go off into the sunset…”
– yeh, when you’re rich you can DO that, Kreese.
“That might work for you…”
– uh, it HAS –
“…but I still have some fight left in me…”
– Fight for what exactly? You’re trying to make me jealous that you teach karate at 70? Again, how is this relevant to my lifestyle on this beachfront property? And what do I need to prove by rejoining Cobra Kai? That I can sidekick a girl?

Sensei Lawrence: still paying rent with only 5 students.

Okay, so is Kreese trying to re-ignite Silver’s sadism and apply it to his dojo? If so, then why does Kreese come round to a redemption himself, learning to admit that Cobra Kai is extreme? Is Kreese giving Silver free reign to teach his kids psycho ponytail wearing? No. Silver always remains second banana to Kreese, who actually berates him at times, telling Silver, “But you need to fall back in line, and follow my lead…”
– what?? To a guy who has nothing to lose by stepping away… back to his 1% lifestyle! Kreese has really made it hard for Silver to stay in this dojo that smells of man-funk.
And he tells him this, right after Silver has bought new costumes for the whole dojo!

Which raises another question: How is Kreese PAYING Silver? Sure, Terry’s a millionaire, and he’s doing Kreese a solid, but surely Kreese must have offered Silver 50% income for being a PARTNER in this business? But then, how can Kreese – one step above homeless – afford this? And let’s face it, any percentage would mean squat to the millionaire. And if Silver isn’t accepting pay, then why is he doing it for free? To fulfill his vow? Does Terry return to his mansion and chef and silk bathrobe every night? Because it’s implied he’s shacking up with John Kreese in the back room of Cobra Kai, sipping on man-funk…

When Silver rejoins Cobra Kai, first thing he does — is beat up Robbie (Tanner Buchanan), all with a dungeon smile on his face. What a swell guy. Still beating up teenagers. But then the writers temper his sadism when he advises Robbie, “Dig out that fear and face it, cos if you don’t, it’s gonna hold you back forever.” Oooh, is this the sort of mentorship that Silver has been missing? You mean in all his years as a CEO he’s never ever ever given this advice at a conference? Speaking of which, doesn’t he have conferences to attend and meetings to preside over, and documents to review and stock decisions to make and payroll to sign off and — How has he got all this time to promote kicking children?

At different ages, different things hold importance in our lives. As a younger man, Terry Silver loved bullying kids and winning karate tournaments. But now – he’s been to the top of the business world AND been in Vietnam as a youth. He has committed atrocities and seen things that cannot be unseen; he has let friends die, and sacrificed women and children. And he also did some things in Vietnam!

In Episode 5, Silver admits to Kreese, “You were right about me, John. I was living a lie.” Oh, so you were “rich but unfulfilled” — But unlike a poor person who is unfulfilled, YOU have the ability to change your situation instantaneously. So let me get this straight: you got therapy and went into business and conquered the stock market and devoted your 10,000 hours to mastering a musical instrument; you have unlimited finances and resources and all the chicks you can eat…. but what you REALLY want to do is karate.

So – is Terry Silver the GOOD guy? Helping these kids with his wealth? With no profit motive in mind? Well… here’s where the writing almost redeems itself: in the last few episodes, we see some inkling of a motivation when Silver keeps promising he’s going to open a chain of Cobra Kai dojos across the valley (exactly what he kept promising in KKIII, as a businessman would); and for all the seed capital he puts into the franchise, I imagine he’ll very quickly write Kreese out of that contract, and make all the profits himself. And so he does – his last act of the Season is to frame Kreese for a felony, and steal Cobra Kai out from under him— Ah, so he’s playing the long game: he built a business empire, so that he could one day — run a karate franchise.

Sensei LaRusso: The Way Of The Girl-Slap.

All the other characters and situations still retain that COBRA KAI flavor: Johnny (William Zabka) coming to terms with Daniel (Ralph Macchio) stealing away his surrogate son, Miguel (Xolo Maridueña), while trying to reconcile with his real son (Buchanan); Daniel balancing his teaching against Johnny’s impulsiveness; the constant ups and downs of Daniel’s and Johnny’s hilarious love-hate relationship; the rivalry between Daniel’s daughter Samantha (Mary Mouser) and Kreese’s protégé Tory (Peyton List); there are some touching redemptions, and they’ve even gone off on a little subplot about Daniel’s son being a bully! Ha! It would still be a solid 7-star series, if it weren’t for Terry Silver’s non-compelling presence informing the main plot points, and therefore, creating adversity where there can easily be none. They keep telling us we should be scared of Silver, but for Silver, there’s nothing at stake. He can back out at any time and go back to his lifestyle of the rich and famous, and we just- keep- wondering- why- he- doesn’t!…

Terry Silver proves that COBRA KAI has run out of villains. Not only villains – they’ve run out of heroes as well. When Silver triumphs at the end of Season Four – SPOILER ALERT! – who can Daniel turn to, to combat this psychopath’s existential evil?

Enter Chozen. [DUN DUN DAAAH – but played on a kazoo…]

Yeh, if that name didn’t give you any chills, it’s because Chozen (the scenery-chewing student villain from KARATE KID II) has less cachet than Terry Silver’s vegan girlfriend. The producers are thinking to expand this cardboard role into the conquering hero of Season Five? Oh, and there’s talk about Terry Silver calling in MIKE BARNES– Who the fuck?— … ooh yeh, he kicked Daniel in the nuts once.

I can see it now: Chozen cannot turn back Terry Silver’s and Mike Barnes’s B-character sadism – so in Season Six: Prepare – for the return – of Mr. Miyagi’s cardboard cutout...

END

“Look, let’s just kiss.”

Beating us Beautifully with Moral Ambiguity.

Well, what a surprise COBRA KAI is! One of the best series reboots of a campy 80s movie franchise, proving old rivalries never die, they just get and sexier and dorkier.

The original 1984 KARATE KID was just ROCKY with an Italian Ferret (both movies directed by John G. Avildsen). In that movie, Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio) was the new kid in high school, taking regular beatings from school bullies led by Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka), who trained in karate at the violent Cobra Kai dojo, led by sadist sensei Kreese (Martin Kove). In self-defense, Daniel took up karate under an unlikely sensei, his gentle handyman, Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita). Keeping all the testosterone raging, glorious Elisabeth Shue was Ali With An I, the girl behind all the man-slapping. All these actors reprise their characters in COBRA KAI SEASON ONE, the two not returning: Pat Morita (sadly, because he’s dead) and Elisabeth Shue (sadly, because she’s hot).

COBRA KAI opens with the finale of THE KARATE KID, re-edited like a modern ROCKY movie – the deciding fight in the All-Valley Karate Championship, between faltering Johnny and injured Daniel, with Kreese ordering Johnny to perform the most lethal move in karate, “Sweep the leg!” Johnny – hesitates. From that hesitation – this series was constructed, like a monument to character development, fan service and urgent screenwriting.

If you were a fan of THE KARATE KID movies in the 80s (or even if you thought the movies were saccharine, clichéd, formulaic trash [raise my hand], COBRA KAI is a revelation of empathetic screenwriting, injecting heart and layers into what were originally one-dimensional tropes, pulling an outstanding performance from the leading man, William Zabka, who startles us with his introspection, subtle humor and hero’s journey.

In the 10 half-hour episodes of Season One – led by showrunners Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg, and Josh Heald – COBRA KAI reveals itself as a magnificent study of a man with a fatherless childhood, Johnny (Zabka, then 19, now 53, looking 45) caught in a surrogate father’s indoctrination, and coming to realize that indoctrination was more damaging than constructive.

It’s no coincidence the series is titled COBRA KAI – it’s about the leg-SWEEPER, not the leg-sweepee! And though Macchio was the ostensible star of the 80s movies, his face still lacks the ability to go to Expression No. 3, so his Daniel here is just a device to drive Johnny’s motivations. Both Macchio and Zabka are executive producers, but Macchio is well aware he can’t hold up this series as the leading man. Though he’s smart enough to know Zabka can.

Sex Hard, Sex First, No Mercy.

The first episode is all Johnny, as we catch up with his piss-poor existence. He’s a handyman, trapped in the past, taste-wise, socially, psychologically. He drives a decades-old Firebird, loves 80’s rock and that shitty IRON EAGLE movie; he’s still good-looking – aged like Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood – and has no filter, which is what this world needs right now actually – someone to tell youngsters to shut up and get real, instead of whining about micro-aggressions. He’s a Luddite and a sexist – which makes for some funny fish-out-of-water moments with his PC and his pc – and he has a penchant for passing out on the floor of his almost-furnished apartment amongst boxes of pizza and beer.

It haunts Johnny that he lost to Daniel in that 1984 Karate Championship. His arc to acceptance in that movie is ignored here; so a PTSD cloud can hang over him; in his recounting, everything from the 80s is unforgiven.

Contrast that to the idyllic life of his karate rival. Episode 2 opens with Daniel LaRusso (Macchio, then 23, now 57, looking 28); he’s the same old dork, but with a successful car dealership, a mansion, and two kids – the young boy just a prop, while his daughter is part of Daniel’s journey (Mary Mouser as Samantha). And a beautiful inshape wife (of course – he’s rich – Courtney Henggeler as Amanda, who is also the pragmatic voice of the series – beauty AND brains – and I love the way her shirts stretch across the–). Since HIS golden days, Daniel is now using karate not honorably or for edification but as a cheap gimmick to sell cars on the weak premise that he was once All-Valley champ. The community takes his ads with an ounce of cheese, and many just outright laugh at him, like his snarky auto dealer competitor. In other words, Johnny is haunted by his LOSS, Daniel is haunted by his WIN. As Daniel’s wife chides them both at some point, while wearing something tight: “All this bad blood is from a 34-year-old karate beef?” Both of them need to find their way past their past.

Johnny meets the current school punching bag Miguel (Xolo Maridueña – basically Taylor Lautner without muscles) in a scene echoing THE KARATE KID (as Daniel went looking for maintenance, meeting his sensei, Miguel asks Johnny about maintenance, meeting his sensei). Johnny inadvertently saves Miguel in an adrenalized scene where he takes on 4 bullies, and comes to two discoveries: 1) that even though he’s got the muscle memory for high kicks, it hurts his groin after all this downtime – a great little detail – and 2) that there’s a path to redemption in training young Miguel not to become Ralph Macchio.

“Just walk away! You don’t want me and my homies to style your hair.”

Johnny re-opens the Cobra Kai dojo, not least to raise himself from rock bottom, and preaches power and ruthlessness to Miguel (and all Miguel’s schoolmates who join up after they see Miguel beat the bullies with his newfound skills) but Johnny gradually realizes that the extremism of the dojo’s old slogan – “Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy” – should be tempered with a whole range of other attributes, to truly become a fully-rounded middle-aged sex symbol. As Zabka tells us in interviews, Johnny is basically given a full 5-hour movie chopped into ten parts, to draw us into his world view sympathetically; proven by Zabka’s every nuanced move! Who woulda thunk the prettyboy lunkhead was such an exemplary actor? Zabka is a revelation. He does such a magnificent job here, I’m surprised he didn’t carve more of a leading man movie career, with those blonde locks and inshape frame. Bad agents are everywhere, kids!

FUN FACT: In the riotous HOT TUB TIME MACHINE in 2010, Zabka would play a highroller jerk with a trophy wife, Diora Baird – and here, Baird would play Johnny’s ex-wife! Still trophy-hot!

Living in the same San Fernando Valley, after many years out of touch with each other, Johnny’s and Daniel’s paths intertwine in the most intriguing and amusing conundrums.

When Daniel sees his old rival re-opening Cobra Kai, thinking Johnny will spawn a quiver of bullies, Daniel opens his own karate school called Miyagi-do, which takes him on his own arc to rediscover the real reasons behind karate – balance. His first student – is Johnny’s estranged son from a broken marriage, Robby (Tanner Buchanan, who looks like a dreamboat cross between Jeff Fahey and a Chippendale’s dancer), although Robby, rudderless and sunken to a life of petty crime, doesn’t tell Daniel he is Johnny’s son. He’s only joining Daniel’s dojo as a middle finger to his dad – like Mark Wahlberg in THE OTHER GUYS learning ballet sarcastically, “just to show the other guys how queer they were” – but he never gets to actually tell his dad he’s with Daniel. His dad would find out in a most damaging way. Let’s put a pin in that – it’s all gonna come ‘round in a minute.

There are many flashbacks to glory days, adding weight to the series, drawing on the three films Macchio made with Morita, who died in 2005. Zabka would only appear in the first two. And the showrunners completely ignore Morita’s NEXT KARATE KID in 1994, meaning we miss out on the bountiful back-kicks of Hilary Swank.

“See? They’re just looking at your chest.”

Zabka is doing all his own stunts; both he and Macchio are in good shape still, although Ralph can’t do a roundhouse kick without bending his knee, while Johnny’s kicks are legit. (He actually did attain a green belt outside of the movies.) And the karate from the kids – believable. They’re doing a lot of their own kicks and Spock Chops – but they’re kids – so they don’t have to be as good as Tony Jaa or Donnie Yen. Still, I’m not buying the way these beginners stick to their disciplines when a karate fight breaks out – by that I mean, no one ever resorts to parking lot flailing, which you would in real life; you’re not gonna stick to these moves you just learned if you’re getting your arse kicked.

The original KARATE KID was purely for teens, with its young heroes, basic plot and exaggerated acting. While COBRA KAI – is based a little more in adult space while still appealing to that teenie demo – loaded with cutiepies on all sides: Joe Seo, Hannah Kepple, Annalisa Cochrane, a special mention to Jacob Bertrand who convinces us he transforms from a wimp to a pimp; and of course – Mouser, Mariduena and Buchanan, with more than enough puppy-love-triangle to fuel 10 slumber parties, with the screenwriting artfully shifting our sympathies between dorks who turn into killers and badboys who turn into heartthrobs.

AND – these kids probably realize they have this legacy to return to decades hence. Because COBRA KAI never dies. And Xolo can rightfully claim that the series is held up by HIS excellent performance, definitely carrying most of the kids on his narrow non-TWILIGHT shoulders. Behind Johnny – this is Miguel’s story.

In the original movie, Johnny’s car gave him status over Daniel. And here, in an ironic twist, Daniel owns a car dealership while Johnny is still driving the same battered Pontiac Firebird, which is now a sign of how stuck in the past he is. Ultimately, the car would draw Johnny inadvertently to Daniel, as Daniel’s daughter Samantha first crashes into it, then later, an overzealous employee of Daniel’s arsons the Firebird, leaving it up to Daniel to fix the mess. Daniel tries to coax Johnny toward an age-appropriate vehicle, but Johnny sets his sights on another musclecar – a Dodge Challenger.

When they test-drive the car, turn on the stereo, they both start bobbing their heads to REO Speedwagon – ALL their bonding moments are so funny, because they are so resistant to it. But we can smell the bro-tosterone a mile away. They make a pitstop at Daniel’s old apartment. Just fan service, really. Then they go have a drink! To continue the bonding/not bonding.

The bromance continues as Johnny opens up about his bullying stepdad, (played by a cantankerous Ed Asner), who drove him to Cobra Kai and Kreese, “The guy was more than a sensei to me. He was basically a father.” And Daniel reveals what we all know about Miyagi and his father-son relationship. They’re about to kiss – but they’re MEN, so the only way they can touch each other is to fight – so they agree to do the ending of ROCKY III – to see who will be the bottom… but when they walk into Daniel’s dojo and Johnny’s son Robby is there – it’s Hitler invading Poland all over again! Daniel taking something from Johnny again that was once his. Whether Daniel knew Robby was Johnny’s son or not, the rage Johnny feels – probably at himself – is because Daniel could make a safe space for Robby that HE couldn’t. Again regret. Again loss. Again, no man-touching. Any wonder he is so guarded. Any wonder he wants to retreat to those golden days when he was king of 1985.

– – – – – SPOILERS – – – – –

By the time the finale rolls around in Episode 10 – of course, at the All-Valley Karate Tournament – it’s not even about karate any more. Johnny is more concerned about reconciling with his son – who is on the other team, and also making sure his students don’t turn into douchebags for which he is responsible by feeding them extremist philosophies. He’s looking for balance – and it’s just out of reach.

“You don’t want me and my homies to ruin your modeling career.”

Johnny Lawrence has his own Johnny Lawrence in the form of Miguel, who by this stage has turned into a Cobra Kai bully; and Robby ends up represented by Daniel’s Miyagi-do. As Daniel employed the infamous crane in KARATE KID, here, to annoy Daniel, Johnny instructs Miguel’s very first move to be – the crane, in one kick laying out his first opponent. When Miguel meets Robby in the final, Johnny orders Miguel to do exactly the opposite of what Kreese ordered him to do decades ago – Fight fair! Instead, Miguel pulls on Robby’s already-injured arm echoing KARATE KID (Robbie’s arm got injured by Hawk. Again, World Wrestling Federation rules when it suits the plot. And why is Robby allowed to fight with an injured arm? Who are the safety organizers on these gigs anyway?). Also: Pull The Arm – the most lethal move in karate— No? Not as cool as Sweep the Leg?… ok…

And Robby is not fighting to win the trophy, but against his father’s ethos. And we can see the warring emotions on Johnny’s face. He wants his son to win, yet he doesn’t want his Cobra Kai team to lose. And in a glutting blanket of irony – Johnny’s surrogate son Miguel beats his real son Robby to win the trophy – and by then, this thing that Johnny thought was his goal, his sacred mission, what Johnny thought would be his affirmation of life itself – by the time he wins it, he is so distraught over his son, that he realizes it means nothing. That it ALWAYS meant nothing.

Which means though it’s a loss – it’s a win. It means Johnny has come out the other side, he’s grown to realize what it takes to find balance – but he is thwarted from achieving it. And WE’VE grown to realize that Johnny was not the villain of the KARATE KID films. By the end of this series we’ve grown to love Johnny so much the filmmakers needed another villain – the real villain standing behind Johnny Lawrence. Enter sensei Kreese!

It’s easy to see why COBRA KAI is so beloved, with its empathetic writing, performances and production, but why are the KARATE KID films being viewed in retrospect as anything more than trashy B-movies? There are even rumors of Daniel being the actual bully in KARATE KID; that there were deeper levels. NOOO!  It was just the basic story of boy-meets-bully’s-girl, boy gets bitchslapped by bully, boy-GETS-bully’s-girl. Those films being bad or good is irrelevant (they were bad!) – we anchor our emotions to the ERA they were released – when WE were the young audience, with a different set of dreams and aspirations. They take us back… And now, we love COBRA KAI because after living our lives of regret and loss, we see in Johnny’s redemption some million to one chance that we can also be redeemed in our autumn years. We are ALL Jim Carrey in DUMB AND DUMBER. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?!”…

Because COBRA KAI never dies— HEEIIIIiiioooo…aaaa…ouch…

END

Wax On, Whacks Off.

A bean stem moves to a new school in Los Angeles and proceeds to take regular beatings from the school bullies for sniffing around the head bully’s ex-girl. He takes karate lessons from that guy from HAPPY DAYS – karate not for philosophy or exercise or discipline but to beat up the bullies. Two wrongs make a right, kids. And here come de orchestra swell…

THE KARATE KID is yet another retelling of ROCKY. With a hero not so much Italian Stallion as Italian Ferret.

Bean stem is Daniel (Ralph Macchio, who can’t stop looking like Cha Chi), his Japanese karate mentor is Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki “Pat” Morita aka Arnold from HAPPY DAYS). Daniel’s puppy love is Ali (lovely girl-next-door Elisabeth Shue, attired in sensual schoolgirl outfits most of the time (yum!), and displaying her penchant for pining after losers, which would lead directly to her hooker-falling-for-alcoholic Nic Cage in LEAVING LAS VEGAS, 1995).

Macchio shows us that he is almost as bad an actor as the extras and B-cast, and I can imagine Catholic priests lining up in droves to touch that smooth girl-face of his. Clint Eastwood has been known to complain that his son Kyle should’ve gotten the Karate Kid role over “that pussy Ralph Macchio,” but I disagree. Kyle Eastwood could never have pulled off the effeminate dorkmeisterism of Macchio – and for that, Clint should be eternally thankful.

Tae Kwon Poff

So Miyagi sets “Daniel-san” on a regimen of painting his fence (“up a-down, up a-down”) cleaning his cars (“wax on, right hand – wax off, left hand”), painting his house (“left a-right, left a-right”) and sanding his deck (“sand a-left, sand a-right”).When Miyagi eventually demonstrates to Daniel the practicality of all that waxing on and painting left and sanding right, we realize how amazing his training methods are – if Daniel were ever attacked by a Handyman. Or an opponent willing to hold all his punches in mid-air and wait for Daniel to block them. It makes no difference anyway, since Miyagi’s demonstration attack-punches do not actually extend to Daniel’s body, stopping about a foot in front of him. Because karate is all about honor – all you have to do is find an opponent honorable enough not to actually hit you.

The school bullies are led by Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) and all happen to be blond, Aryan jocks who study karate at the extremist Cobra Dojo (run by Martin Kove), whose peaceful slogan is STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY. You know, just like modern-day evangelical Christians.

Directed by John G. Avildsen (no coincidence he also directed ROCKY), with a soundtrack that is arguably the worst disco music of 1984, including You’re The Best by Joe Esposito), THE KARATE KID has been called “the sweetest surprise of 1984.” It’s a surprise all right: that people still believe the maddening fallacy that karate will help you in actual street situations. This very fallacy is proven by the movie itself: in the climactic karate competition showdown, the Cobra Dojo cheat – one of them is instructed to break Daniel’s leg, which he does quite easily – but if karate was such an effective defensive tool, shouldn’t Daniel have been able to block that actual strike?

The bully that broke Daniel’s leg is disqualified (apparently, if you really prove that karate has any dangerous utility, they penalize you for it) and Daniel then has to perform his last fight against Johnny Lawrence on the broken leg (which raises all sorts of health and safety questions about the Karate Organization running this show).

And Daniel adopts the now infamous crane posture and kicks the bully in the face, winning the competition. Which raises another question: When Daniel actually kicks Johnny – why isn’t he also disqualified for making lethal contact? We’d probably find out if the orchestra swell wasn’t so loud and embarrassing.

But let us not forget the lesson of the film: the key to good karate is carpentry.

END