THE CONJURING

Poffy The Cucumber

Paradise by the Jump-Scare Light. If this movie didn’t have jump-scares, it wouldn’t have any scares at all. Clichéd Haunted Houses Monthly awarded THE CONJURING its highest honor: “Best Movie With A Middle-American Family Moving Into An Obvious Haunted House Where Murders Were Committed.” The movie was also given a plaque by the Organization For Jump-Scares And Orchestra Stabs, with … Read More

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Faking Porn, Fart 2. Somewhere along the way, the tween girlie movie series TWILIGHT transmorphed into the painfully overwrought “THE TWILIGHT SAGA,” like there was something extremely important happening between all these vampire models standing around doing nothing and all these werewolf models standing around doing nothing with their shirts off. So we arrive at the conclusion of author Stephanie … Read More

INTERSTELLAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Odyssey Three: When Surfer Dudes Boldly Go… In his 2014 Oscar speech, Matthew McConaughey told us his hero was “himself, in ten years’ time.” Everyone thought he was a narcissistic jackass. Until INTERSTELLAR, when he travels to the future through a wrinkle in time and meets – himself! Standing lofty on the shoulders of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and CONTACT, … Read More