CRY WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More

EDDIE MURPHY: RAW

Poffy The Cucumber

Bigger, brainier, braver than DELIRIOUS–and ten minutes too long. “HALF!” I learned all I need to know about California divorce courts from Eddie Murphy. In his second standup special, RAW, Murphy has matured slightly, taking on meatier issues than the fluff he posited in his 1983 standup film DELIRIOUS. “Half!” is one of his most enduring bits, as he outlines … Read More

JAWS: THE REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Vengeance is Rubber. In one respect, JAWS 4: THE REVENGE, is trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. (Ironic, considering ORCA was summarily dismissed as a ripoff of the original JAWS, which it wasn’t.) In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit. Taking it as read that a fish … Read More

DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN

Poffy The Cucumber

From duds to merely dull. DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN surprises us by actually getting close to a plot! After two sequels written by babies and directed like tweens measuring their dicks, this third sequel to DEATH WISH (1974) has actual pacing, quarter-decent acting and a halfway compelling plot that includes a couple of good twists. It helps that it’s … Read More

WALL STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

Up against The Wall. Veteran stockbroker Gordon Gekko wakes upstart stockbroker Bud Fox in the middle of the night with a phone call, to remind him the Hong Kong markets are open: “Money never sleeps, pal!” WALL STREET is a powerful albeit slightly cheesy look at the inside of insider trading. Co-writer/ director Oliver Stone, with his characteristic insider knowledge … Read More

LESS THAN ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

High and Mighty or just Mighty High? Drugs, detachment… disco! Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz spend their time looking for Robert Downey Jr. who’s whacked out on drugs and prostituting himself. They find him. They lose him. They find him. They lose him. They find him. He dies. The End. If LESS THAN ZERO is trying to squeeze pity out … Read More

CRY FREEDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Slaving for Freedom. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. –Obi-Wan to Darth Vader in STAR WARS. Another man of peace killed by men of ignorance. CRY FREEDOM stars Denzel Washington as Steve Biko, the black South African anti-apartheid insurrectionist of the 1960s and 70s (a contemporary of Mandela’s, imprisoned on Robben … Read More

SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE

Poffy The Cucumber

When super boy scouts bring peacenik fascism. How sad. The last SUPERMAN movie with the most famous Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve (1952-2004). Since arriving from Krypton in 1978, Reeve became the acknowledged Superman due to – or despite – the SUPERMAN franchise. The producers of the franchise, Alexander and Ilya Salkind, let him down like an ape from the … Read More

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead on Arrival. Does it irk Gene Simmons that two of his first “serious” motion pictures (RUNAWAY and WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE) are names of Bon Jovi songs? Simmons has a small key role in the Gary Sherman-directed “actioner” WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE. He plays the Arab villain, Malak Al Rahim, intent on causing terrorist chaos in Los Angeles seemingly … Read More

KISS EXPOSED

Poffy The Cucumber

The KISStory Starts Here. Created three years after Kiss dropped their characteristic makeup, KISS EXPOSED is anything but an exposé on Kiss. Matter of fact, like the makeup days, it only enhances the mystery of what the band members are really like “in real life.” Part history (sorry, KISStory), part mockumentary; part music videos (current and vintage), part comedy, part … Read More