CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2003

Poffy The Cucumber

Children Of The Damned. When Ashton Kutcher is the funniest thing in your movie, it’s time to re-assess everything you hold dear. CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN is an unworthy, implausible remake of a 1950 film of the same name, with parents Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt unconvincingly helming a hornet’s nest of selfish, ill-mannered, impertinent teen and sub-teen models in … Read More

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HULK

Poffy The Cucumber

Shrek On Steroids. Despite the disconcerting fact that the HULK does in fact look like a juiced Shrek, this is not as bad a film as its detractors would have us believe. With the masterful Ang Lee in the director’s chair, the blame for this production’s lack of luster must surely be placed on the shoulders of others. Even though … Read More

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HOUSE OF THE DEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Laid up and drugged out, as a kidney stone wended its merry way through my scarred urinary tract, with ab-so-lute-ly nothing better to do than let the painkillers swoon me into semi-oblivion, I happened to catch this movie on cable. I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I paid to view it in a cinema, or rented it, or – … Read More

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TENACIOUS D THE COMPLETE MASTERWORKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Once every hundred-thousand years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow… Not exactly Spinal Tap. Not exactly Martin & Lewis. Not exactly normal. Once in a great while, an act appears that shimmers with such kineticism, such verve and lust, that audiences are scorched into submission – such an act is The Darkness – oh, … Read More

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THE CORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Anthropocentric Spin. I want to hurt this movie. Like it hurt me. THE CORE opens with a Peter Gallagher clone sans Eyebrows dropping dead at a board meeting – so begins a series of events that establish the Earth’s core has inexplicably stopped spinning, causing electromagnetic anomalies. So scientists must drill down and re-start the spin with The Universal Solvent … Read More

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SCHOOL OF ROCK

Poffy The Cucumber

Tenacious D’s Boy-Thunder Rides Hellacious and Raises The Goblet Of Rock. A beautiful rarity when an actor is bequeathed a role that envelops him (in the words of Ace Ventura) “like a glove.” This movie IS Jack Black. And Jack Black IS this movie. Had he not piloted SCHOOL OF ROCK like a deranged Timothy Leary by way of Keith … Read More

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IDENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Identity Cleft. More than a murder mystery. More than a psychological thriller. More than a horror movie. IDENTITY is its own special slice of crazy. With most viewers being either misled by this movie’s similarities to Agatha Christie’s TEN LITTLE INDIANS, or just pompously broadcasting their knowledge that IDENTITY was inspired by it, they missed the point this was not … Read More

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TIMELINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Space-Time Continuum Saved by Surfer Dude & Community Theatre Actress. TIMELINE makes the execrable indecency of THE CORE look like a scientific masterpiece. With costumes borrowed from a traveling Renaissance Festival and actors borrowed from the local community theatre, even the brainless idiocy of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY reads like CITIZEN KANE when weighed against this bone-chilling waste of resources … Read More

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CHARLIE’S ANGELS FULL THROTTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Too much style IS a bad thing. Despite the consensus that Cameron Diaz wantonly proffering her backside like a baboon in estrus makes for good cinema, my existence would be incalculably enhanced if I never witness this repulsive rectal display cloaked in ostensible good-natured humor ever again in my short span on this earth. CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE is so … Read More

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Poffy The Cucumber

deus ex tolkiena. Okay, tattered robes deployed? – check; multiple story lines at the ready to entwine and entangle viewers? – check; sets constructed on a budget which would’ve stamped out hunger in Ethiopia? – check; everyone smeared in poo? – check – let’s roll! Trust me, Gentle Viewer, if you’ve not seen the first two installments of this bloated, … Read More

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X2: X-MEN UNITED

Poffy The Cucumber

X-traordinary. In X2: X-MEN UNITED, the two factions of warring mutants we met in X-MEN (2000) unite against a common enemy: homo sapiens. And all genetic babbling breaks loose… The “good” mutants (the ones tagged with the X-Men epithet) are Professor X (Patrick Stewart), Cyclops, Jean Grey, Storm, Wolverine, Iceman and Rogue (joined by additional cast, Nightcrawler and Colossus); the … Read More

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THE TV WHEEL

Poffy The Cucumber

Pure Joel, Pure Genius. THE TV WHEEL is a large circular studio set with a camera in the middle, able to rotate and capture sketch performances in segments of the circular set. As one sketch is performed in one segment of the set, another segment sets up the props for the next sketch, camera rotating to capture that sketch, and … Read More

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KISS SYMPHONY

Poffy The Cucumber

Elevator Muzak pumped with testicular dynamite. It’s KISS Meets The Phantom Of The… Opera. Like the great Godzilla matchups of old, it’s KISS versus the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. And all Strauss breaks loose. The machine started rolling on the band’s fourth live album in 2000, but politics (and Ace Frehley’s launch off KISS planet) shelved that endeavor. Three years later, … Read More

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