Jumping The Snark. Hayden Christensen has learned a lot from being a Jedi. In JUMPER, he’s learned how to teleport. He’s learned how to rob banks by teleporting directly into their vaults. He’s also learned how to pick up women by playing the exotic erotic. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t learned how to act. Well, that’s not exactly true. He’s progressed … Read More
JARHEAD
JARHEAD is the new JACKET. Military men are just dumb stupid animals to be used as pawns in foreign policy. — Henry Kissinger. “Every war is different. Every war is the same.” Kubrick’s FULL METAL JACKET (1987) followed U.S. Marines from boot camp to Viet Nam. Director Sam Mendes keeps the formula and updates the war in JARHEAD (to the … Read More
JURASSIC PARK
Dino Mighty. DINOSAURS! No, not “unbelievable” and “incredible” – on the contrary, director Steven Spielberg and his special effects team do such a mighty job recreating extinct saurians that they are altogether BELIEVABLE and CREDIBLE! Spielberg is the visionary who brought us JAWS, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK – JURASSIC PARK is his … Read More
JACKASS: THE MOVIE
Jockstraps and Beer. If human civilization is to retain any semblance of forward momentum, never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals. With a bravado that most of us relinquish at age twelve, Johnny Knoxville and his near-equals in brain-deficiency offer innumerable hideously-filmed vignettes of … Read More
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
Nails It. A rockgasmic Judas-eye view of the last days of Christ. Directed by Norman Jewison (FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) and powered by the mountain-leveling throats of Ted Neeley (Jesus) and Carl Anderson (Judas), JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR is as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla. Written by the inimitable … Read More
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Anytime one of us old codgers over 35 is exposed to a re-working of what we consider a “classic,” we approach it with trepidation, fearful our fond memories will be sullied by some upstart’s new vision. And yet…knowing that curiosity never really killed anything, we unbutton our leisure suits and expose ourselves nonetheless… On this night I … Read More
JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO
Sacrificial Ham. During JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO, Tom Hanks‘s head took out a restraining order on his hairstyle. His head won the case, which is why halfway through the film, Hanks sports a halfway decent ‘do – the old hairstyle finding a home on Whitney Houston’s head, of which Houston is still unaware. Diagnosed with a “brain cloud” which leaves … Read More