Vengeance is Rubber. In one respect, JAWS 4: THE REVENGE, is trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. (Ironic, considering ORCA was summarily dismissed as a ripoff of the original JAWS, which it wasn’t.) In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit. Taking it as read that a fish … Read More
JFK
Conspiracy Clearly. To sin by silence when we should protest, makes cowards out of men. –Ella Wheeler Wilcox. When it comes to 9-11, or John F. Kennedy, or Jesus Christ, no one cares what you think. They know what they know. And no one’s gonna tell ’em otherwise. Oliver Stone doesn’t care what you think. He directs JFK with the … Read More
JOHN CARTER
Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More
JACK REACHER
Reaching For Grate-ness. The name is from a series of books by author Jim Grant (pseudonym Lee Child); even so, casting Tom Cruise as a character called JACK REACHER is just asking for the inevitable gay gags, like Jack Reacharound. And what kind of epicness was Grant aiming for anyway? Did he want big chords every time someone said the … Read More
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Jangles the nerves. The single funniest thing about the bland and pointless “family holiday comedy” JINGLE ALL THE WAY has nothing to do with the supposed comedy it is trying to purvey – it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian. I laff my ass off at that guy, but then, I laffed my ass off … Read More
JUST GO WITH IT
Going for mangina. And succeeding. Well played, Mr. Sandler! He’s a bachelor wooing a younger girl with the lie that he will soon be divorced, and getting Jennifer Aniston to JUST GO WITH IT and pose as his ex to aid the ruse. It’s dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed … Read More
JACKASS 2.5
See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much. Okay, at this stage, someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it. Knoxville (the “brains” behind JACKASS) and director Jeff Tremaine (JACKASS: THE MOVIE, JACKASS NUMBER … Read More
JACKASS NUMBER TWO
More Jockstraps, More Beer. Johnny Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it. Number Two in name, number two in nature. But of course, they meant it that way. And that’s what scares me… JACKASS NUMBER TWO is so funny and so unnecessary that I’m … Read More
JULIE AND JULIA
The Cookie Monster Cometh. Before Wolfgang Puck, before Emeril, before Iron Chef – there was Julia Child. But which came first: this American pioneer and monster of home cooking, or Monty Python’s Pepperpots? Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress. JULIE AND JULIA parallels Julia Child’s life … Read More
JAWS 3
Terrorized by puppets and stock footage. Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.” The JAWS franchise reminds me of the PLANET OF THE APES franchise: a stellar opening film that should have remained un-sequeled, but upon box office denoting inevitable sequels, each successive sequel granted less and less funding and talent until the franchise, concept … Read More
JOE KIDD
Totally Kidd-ing. There are a lot of interesting things about JOE KIDD, the least being the movie itself. This is Clint Eastwood at the peak of his early stardom: ruggedly handsome, aquiline nose, velvet rasp, thick shock of dirty blonde receding hair, three-day growth to emulate Leone’s Italian spaghettis that made him famous, wisecracking and head-cracking all over the New … Read More
JUNO
Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin. I know that JUNO was a big hit with the pedophiles and sweaty-mouthed goons trying to catch a glimpse of sugartit, but I just have to get this off my flat green chest: Sorry Jason Reitman (director) and Diablo Cody (writer), but this movie doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Are you trying to purvey the underage pregnant … Read More
JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD
Boring Roaring. Unnecessary. That’s the word that comes to mind during Steven Spielberg’s THE LOST WORLD JURASSIC PARK, the insipid followup to his mighty JURASSIC PARK (1993). In a fit of George Lucas-oid storytelling (i.e. Making It Up As He Goes Along), we are reintroduced to Hammond (Richard Attenborough, usually a paragon of filmic integrity, probably filling this pedestrian cameo … Read More
JURASSIC PARK III
Excitement replaced by Excrement. After Charles Darwin, Richard Owen, Louis Leakey, E.O. Wilson, Stephen Jay Gould, Richard Dawkins, Robert Bakker, Jack Horner and thousands of other anthropologists and paleontologists whose names we shall sadly never know, broke their backs formulating the knowledge that allowed us to comprehend evolution and the Dinosauria… JURASSIC PARK III takes those decades of learning – … Read More
JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS
Ménage à Ted. What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting. In JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS, MILF #1, Sandy (Christine Lahti), befriends MILF #2, her aerobics instructor Holly (TV legend Mary Tyler Moore), only to discover, through a series of mildly comic circumstances, that they are both involved with the same man – #2’s husband, Chip … Read More
JCVD
Muscles from Brussels in Tussles. It’s Jean-Claude Van Damme as Jean-Claude Van Damme in JCVD (that stands for, uh, Jean-Claude Van Damme), as you’ve never seen him before: acting. This movie is so much gritty, guilty fun you need to go to confession afterwards. In his home town of Brussels, Belgium, Van Damme unwittingly steps into a bank holdup and … Read More
JAWS
A Whale of a Tale. Da… dun… Da-dun… Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun – toodle-oooo (those are the French horns)… When Steven Spielberg first heard John Williams‘s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing? They just don’t make ’em like this anymore. Matter of fact, even this film’s director, Mr. Household-Name himself, Steven … Read More
JAWS 2
New Shark, Old Story. We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much. A comedian once noted that reporters of shark attacks always sound surprised: “A man was attacked by a shark at the beach today!” Well, how surprising can it be if sharks live in the water? As Quint (Robert Shaw) … Read More
JOKEL
You must be J-ok’ing. Besides a really, truly, awesomely disturbing DVD cover, this Mexican production is about as scary as watching Ray Romano try to find a second facial expression. J-OK’EL is a horror movie with a difference – you want everyone to die. A guy who can’t stop looking like Tom Cruise (Tom Parker – no relation to the guy … Read More
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008
Hitting Bottom. Boy’s Movie. In 3D. Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas. Brendan Fraser has some nice ta-tas too. All that sweaty tight t-shirt adventure with the Running and Screaming and CGI completely outa control. It’s been decades since I’ve read Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center … Read More