Mock Star. In ROCK STAR, Chris Cole (played sufficiently blandly by Mark Wahlberg) is a big loser with bigger hair and an even bigger voice. Through a freak turn of events he is hired by an international metal band (Steel Dragon, led by a big-haired Dominic West) and attains his dream of rock superstardom. Finding he is too vagina-whipped – … Read More
THE DOCTOR
Sufferin’ Surgeons! Many times THE DOCTOR crouches about to pounce on intrinsic deficiencies beclouding medical bureaucracy, then shies away at almost every opportunity. Imperious and detached doctor MacKee (the remarkable William Hurt) is diagnosed with cancer and is somehow thrown in amongst the rabble (i.e. average hospital patients) instead of being given preferential treatment for being a surgeon. Amongst the … Read More
DAVE
Electile Dysfunction. Rooted solidly in the “We Can Dream, Can’t We?” mold, DAVE follows the adventures of a stand-in for the American President who tries to rectify the administration’s shortcomings while “in office” – a grander fantasy than any cobbling from J.R.R. Tolkein. Despite the hypocrisy in trying to retain democracy’s visage by inserting a lookalike into the Presidential post without … Read More
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Brokeback Mountin’: a true American Love Story (formulaic, clichéd and dull). THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives, director Ang Lee‘s BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is an ambitious yet maudlin, slightly above-average American love story. Slightly. Only American love stories have such easily-defined plot arcs; only American love stories cull the prettiest protagonists as their principals; only American … Read More
SPANGLISH
Renaissance Sandler. STOP THE PRESSES: Adam Sandler can act! In a stunning demonstration of “playing against type,” Boy Sandler actually portrays a Real Human in SPANGLISH – a well-rounded, successful husband and father, as far removed from any of his other roles as Rob Schneider is from comedy. Playing noted chef John Clasky, replete with neurotically-fit bombshell spouse (Téa Leoni, … Read More
I, ROBOT
I, Gamebot. I, Human, even whilst viewing the first trailers of I, ROBOT, knew that They, 20th Century Fox, were destined to make Film, Botch-up. Sure enough, this movie bytes! Pounding home the sordid fact that Big Studios – as cookie-cutter idioms unto themselves – must morph any greed-driven, blockbuster-bent story from cerebral concept to popcorn-glutton whiz-bangery, I, ROBOT is … Read More
WALK THE LINE
Blues for The Man In Black. I was introduced to Johnny Cash by my older cousin, via A Boy Named Sue and Cash’s take on being led to the gallows, 25 Minutes To Go. This was before I discovered a boy named Alice (Cooper) and Led Zeppelin’s Gallows Pole, subsequently leading to deserting the previous generation’s outlaws (like Cash and … Read More
INTERSECTION
Gere Up For Double The Love. Whadaya know: if you’re skidding headlong into a death-tastic car accident, and you happen to be Richard Gere, your life does flash before your eyes – well, your love life, at least. If you’re Richard Gere. INTERSECTION is almost a Chick-Flick version of MEMENTO, as Vincent (Gere) reminiscences back through his life of juggling … Read More
OCEAN’S TWELVE
“1 Louder” Than Ocean’s Eleven. Sesame Street is having an aneurysm over this movie’s slogan: “Twelve is the new Eleven.” Having nailed the formula down pat with OCEAN’S ELEVEN – ridiculously implausible action and pulp coincidences, snide and smarmy rock soundtrack (evoking a Guy Ritchie élan), smash-cuts and wobbling steadicams, overlapping, smartass dialogue, and A-List megastars glutting all 70 millimeters … Read More
WRONG TURN
Something’s Right About Wrong Turn. As I walked onstage at The Whiskey one night and the previous band’s singer was walking off, I jokingly said to him, “You look exactly like Jeremy Sisto!” His laughing reply, “I am!” He is as nice a guy as his roles portray him, so I stopped channel-surfing at WRONG TURN one night just to … Read More
HULK
Shrek On Steroids. Despite the disconcerting fact that the HULK does in fact look like a juiced Shrek, this is not as bad a film as its detractors would have us believe. With the masterful Ang Lee in the director’s chair, the blame for this production’s lack of luster must surely be placed on the shoulders of others. Even though … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH
It had to happen. There had to come something in this world to contest Episode II’s mind-numbing thoughtlessness and ineffectualness – behold, George Lucas gives us Episode III. You might want to brave the queues and watch the movie BEFORE reading this article. (I went on a Tuesday afternoon and the theatre was only a quarter full with doinks, dorks, … Read More
ME, MYSELF AND IRENE
So Much Effort, So Little Movie. Jim Carrey in another 10-star performance. Alas, for a mere 6-star movie. Where one has come to expect simply another mugging, scenery-chewing turn from Jim Carrey, in ME, MYSELF AND IRENE he surprises elegantly with his controlled portrayal of amiable Charlie Baileygates, a disrespected Rhode Island police officer whose retention of insults, barbs, put-downs … Read More