LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Owling at the Moon. LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE is epic and poignant and majestic and cute in all the right owly ways. Young forest owl Soren (voice of Jim Sturgess) is a dreamer, infatuated with mythical tales of the Guardians – ancient owls who defend owly honor throughout the land. His older brother Kludd (Ryan Kwanten) … Read More

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LESS THAN ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

High and Mighty or just Mighty High? Drugs, detachment… disco! Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz spend their time looking for Robert Downey Jr. who’s whacked out on drugs and prostituting himself. They find him. They lose him. They find him. They lose him. They find him. He dies. The End. If LESS THAN ZERO is trying to squeeze pity out … Read More

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LEVIATHAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Levia-Thin. Three words describe LEVIATHAN: Alien, Abyss, Thing. LEVIATHAN is their deformed lust-child. That’s Ridley Scott’s ALIEN (1979), about a team of researchers in space encountering an alien presence; James Cameron’s THE ABYSS (1989), about a team of researchers on the ocean floor encountering an alien presence; John Carpenter’s THE THING (1982), about a team of researchers in the Arctic … Read More

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THE LAST EXORCISM

Poffy The Cucumber

Here There Be Redneck Demons. You might be thinking, as I did: ‘Girl possessed by devil?’ Seen it. ‘Bent over backwards in nightie?’ Seen it. ‘Speaking in tongues?’ Seen it. But THE LAST EXORCISM is a refreshing take on the old staple of possessed young girls and the preachers who love to exorcise them. It’s not in any way a … Read More

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LEGION

Poffy The Cucumber

Apoca-Limps. Humans against angels at a truck stop diner. Fate of the world in the hands of rednecks. As usual. LEGION follows Angel Michael (Paul Bettany) helping the rednecks fend off the heavenly host sent to wipe out the human race. God’s pissed again. Can you blame him? Y’know, I don’t see eye to eye with Him on anything (on … Read More

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THE LAST AIRBENDER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bender me this, Bender! What is a Bender? the petulant anarchist Judd Nelson in THE BREAKFAST CLUB; the alcoholic, kleptomaniac robot in FUTURAMA; a homosexual man; getting stoned on alcohol or drugs for a sustained period of time; an exceptionally bad hockey player; a tumescent penis; a curveball; to shit oneself; a person who can affect the elements at will; … Read More

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THE LADYKILLERS 2004

Poffy The Cucumber

Killer me saucy. A farcical heist movie, with quirky characters, sharp, dark storyline and dialogue so delicious you can feed your cat with it. It’s not describing a suave Bond-type; the title of this movie is literal – but easier said than done. THE LADYKILLERS follows confidence man Professor G.H. Dorr (Tom Hanks in the sauciest, most enunciated performance of … Read More

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LIAR LIAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Fabrication Retardation. Fletcher Reede (Jim Carrey) is a lawyer aka, ergo, ipso facto, a liar. His little son Max (Justin Cooper) makes no distinction, as Fletcher is a callous dad who is always breaking promises to Max, putting his job first. Max makes a birthday wish that his dad won’t be able to lie for one whole day. It comes … Read More

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LAND OF THE LOST 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Bland of the Lost. I’ve pretty much had it waiting for Will Ferrell to make another funny movie. The last one was ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY (2004), although I admit I have not seen his TV special, YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA: A FINAL NIGHT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH (I’ve always liked his Dubya). LAND OF THE LOST, a movie … Read More

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THE LAST PICTURE SHOW

Poffy The Cucumber

To Live and Die in Hicksville. Sex in a small town. And more sex. And more sex… In 1951 Anarene, Texas, there’s not much to do except be an angst-ridden teen and feel up chicks in the dark of the old movie theater. But small town life is crawling to a close, and the teens in THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, … Read More

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LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

Poffy The Cucumber

…and Justice for none. Just as every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints. As heads is tails, just call me Lucifer / ‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint… — “Sympathy For The Devil,” The Rolling Stones. Handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser, I see a poster for LAW ABIDING CITIZEN and overhear the … Read More

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LOVE HAPPENS

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit Happens. Two blond white American upper-class people fall in love. Through all the adversity of being blond and white and American. Who coulda seen that coming? Florist Eloise (Jennifer Aniston, in continuance from ROCK STAR) and self-help guru Burke (Aaron Eckhart, in continuance from THANK YOU FOR SMOKING) Meet Cute while Burke is touring Seattle giving self-help seminars. And “love” … Read More

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THE LOST WORLD 1960

Poffy The Cucumber

Stay Lost. Dinosaurs! Uh, no, just komodos and iguanas with horns and spikes duct-taped to them…. Didn’t matter when you were ten. And THE LOST WORLD (the second film adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle’s 1912 novel) is definitely FOR ten-year-olds, seemingly made BY ten-year-olds. Been decades since I read the book, but screenwriter-director Irwin Allen takes Conan Doyle’s exciting meat … Read More

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS

Poffy The Cucumber

When Wizards Collide. Gandalf is SUCH a badass! Wizard against Balrog in a film opening so power-hammering it is astonishing that writer-director Peter Jackson didn’t score a cross-promotion rollercoaster ride at Universal Studios called The Falling Balrog. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS opens at the middle of the last film, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (2001), as … Read More

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THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Ingmar Bergman is spinning in the last grave on the left… What pisses me off about THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is that nowhere do the filmmakers mention – not in advertising, not in screen credits and not even in the Special Features on the DVD – that this movie is ripped straight from Ingmar Bergman’s THE VIRGIN SPRING … Read More

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LAKEVIEW TERRACE

Poffy The Cucumber

Jules Winnfield in the ‘burbs. When Samuel L. Jackson gives you “that look,” you don’t wanna be on the receiving end of it. Jackson is Abel Turner, a widower and strict, old-school father with two young kids. He lives in LAKEVIEW TERRACE, a modern Los Angeles suburb. He’s an eccentric cop, who likes to patrol the neighborhood at night and … Read More

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THE LOVE GURU

Poffy The Cucumber

Half-Spreading the Love. THE LOVE GURU: another excuse for Mike Myers to act unutterably stupid – and get paid for it. As the Guru Pitka, the usually brilliant Myers is in mediocre form, playing an Indian guru who is hired by Jane (talentless Jessica Alba) to help a recently-separated hockey player, Darren (Romany Malco, THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN), find … Read More

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LIONS FOR LAMBS

Poffy The Cucumber

Roaring Thunder for Republican Muttonheads. Lest we forget: Robert Redford once brought down Satan Nixon in ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN; in LIONS FOR LAMBS, he goes for the neck-wattle of Demon W. Bush. Razor-sharp writing, controlled direction, magnificent performances, LIONS FOR LAMBS is a wake up call to America – wake up and smell the lunatic euphemisms the Republican administration … Read More

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LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Poffy The Cucumber

In Bruce We Trust. Never trust a computer you can’t throw out your window. – Steve “Woz” Wozniak. This mess is not his fault; he’d rather be home with a cold one; he’s no superman, just an average guy who must act like a super man – and I think he’s wearing the same sweaty shirt from DIE HARD (1988). … Read More

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LOVE AND SEX

Poffy The Cucumber

Aiming for mediocre – and succeeding. Adam (Jon Favreau) and Kate (Famke Janssen) mix it up as a couple for a while, having the titular LOVE AND SEX. Then they break up. While they each date other people, their feelings for each other resurface almost as much as they keep running into each other in social circles. They end up … Read More

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