‘Tard-nado. When Gary Busey is the smartest person in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Busey is scientist Dr. Loosedentures in SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS, the fourth film in a franchise which should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of … Read More
SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!
Trumpeting Incompetence. When David Hasselhoff is the best actor in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Clearly preempting a suitable title for any review, SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin got … Read More
THE SIGNAL
Bending new boundaries with classic old tropes. Two young computer hackers discover a third hacker is sending them enigmatic messages. Chasing down the origin of THE SIGNAL will shatter their reality; will shatter even the concept of what reality is. THE SIGNAL is a dynamite sleeper; a spellbinding tale of extra-terrestrial communication in this modern age. There had to eventually … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – THE FORCE AWAKENS
I willfully waited for the fervor to die down. So I wouldn’t have to deal with ubergeeks in Wookiee masks and errant lightsabers up the nostril, while trying to sit comfortably surrounded by idiots wearing Imperial armor or a three-man rancor costume. I succeeded, and EVENTUALLY saw the movie whose hype exceeds its content, in a bare cinema where I … Read More
SON OF GOD 2014
Another reboot for the best-looking zombie in history. Someone, somewhere in the world, is seeing their first Jesus movie. Some 8-year-old, indoctrinated in Christian idiocy, is seeing for the first time those fantasy stories brought to life in this 2014 reboot of Christianity’s original superhero. Therefore, though there will be a multitude of followers/believers inspired by this film to Love … Read More
SPECTRE
Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre? James Bond 007 discovers the looming nemesis dogging his every move since he was in spy-nappies; the criminal organization for expensive suits and limited edition sportscars – SPECTRE! Daniel Craig, in his fourth outing as James Bond, looks old and makes me tired. French flame-hair Léa Seydoux is Madeleine Swann, resident Bond Girl … Read More
SPOTLIGHT
Pederast Priests and The Coverup That Rocked a Religion. What other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever, and you still keep your customers? — Bill Maher, REEL TIME, March 2013. If only the movie SPOTLIGHT was called BUSTING RAPIST PRIESTS, maybe it would be better served by its title. … Read More
SOAKED IN BLEACH
Soaked in memoria. Was Kurt Cobain as depressed a clod as he made himself out to be? SOAKED IN BLEACH, a documentary investigating the apparent suicide of Nirvana’s driving force and the haphazard way the authorities handled the case, tells us he was not. In fact, compelling evidence from a private investigator points to Cobain’s death being a meticulously planned … Read More
STEVE JOBS
Nerd against Geek in a battle to the Steve. STEVE JOBS is a savage attack dog of a movie. Like Steve Jobs. Each scene slams into us like shrapnel: overlapping intelligent dialogue, fever pitch arguments, soul-breaking philosophies, walk-and-talk business decisions, with flashbacks as savage as the writing, smash-cut into the smallest interstices, rather than drawn-out exposition. After viewing STEVE JOBS, … Read More
SCHINDLER’S LIST
The Ones That Got Away (alternate title in Germany?) He was German, a Nazi, a profiteer of slave labor, a philanderer, an adulterer, a confidence man and a traitor to his country. He was Oskar Schindler, who saved over 1,100 Jews from concentration camps in World War II. Reminds me of that joke “…but screw just one sheep…” in reverse. … Read More
SICARIO
When Right is Might, and Wrong is Hot Sauce. In the 21st Century, great corporations will bestride the Earth, replacing nations as the true creators of history, amassing powerful private armies to do their bidding. But in delicate situations, they need matters adjudicated on a single day… by a solitary man. — WAR, INC. (writers: Mark Leyner, Jeremy Pikser, John … Read More
SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD
Yaaaaaaawn–EXPLODE. Who knew the end of the world would be so boring? With such good acting? And apparently the soundtrack to the world ending is soft rock. Soft rock, people. The preferred music of societal chaos and megalithic destruction. So keep those Dan Fogelberg and Herb Alpert albums at the ready. SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD, … Read More
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON
Attitude Adjustaz. I don’t know anything about hip hop but I know this is special. — Interscope Records rep. Admittedly, rock and roll is my forte, though it might come as a surprise to many that I’ve done innumerable studio sessions with hip hop acts. Around 1992, I was tracking in a Hawthorne studio with rap group after rap group, … Read More
SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER
A Sweathog Comes of Age. I said a-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino A-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino A-bar bar bar – bar Barbarino You got me rockin’ and a-reelin’ got me rockin’ and a-reelin’ Barbar-i-no!… — Vinny Barbarino, WELCOME BACK KOTTER, 1975 Ever wondered what Vinnie Barbarino would look like on the big screen? John Travolta made this … Read More
STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING
One Lasting Thing. The title taken from his infamous stage patter when he would reveal yet another innovation in a device we thought was already tapped out with cool, STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING documents the incredible life of innovator, entrepreneur and Apple founder Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011), showing the good, the bad and the techno. Mainly from other people’s … Read More
SABOTAGE
Tools Carrying Tools. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Breacher, head of a rogue DEA unit (Drug Enforcement Administration) that steals $10mil from a drug cartel, which is immediately stolen from them by unknown thieves. Whoops! SABOTAGE! Then one by one, his team starts getting murdered mysteriously. This would be a concern for us viewers – if it weren’t for Breacher’s team being … Read More
SNL 40
Celebrating 40 Years of Stunning Mediocrity. The American comedy institution SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE continues its tradition of not being funny, by throwing a 40th Anniversary Special and not being funny. SNL 40 is not only Not Funny, it’s embarrassing, pathetic and painful. Why do these people put themselves through this? Why do they put US through this? Why do audiences … Read More
SNOWPIERCER
Noah’s Ark and Lang’s Metropolis on a Midnight Express. SNOWPIERCER will make you question your place in society, the innate class system that drives humankind, and the ultimate meaning of freedom. It will also make you question what the hell Chris Evans is doing actually Acting and not just flexing his bulge-ceps to score all-American hooers. Evans is Curtis, a … Read More
THE SWITCH
Like taking a shot in the mouth and not having anywhere to spit. It’s about a woman craving a baby. And 90% of the men have left the room… Let’s try for the other 10%: It’s about Just Friends, with Her asking Him to help her find some semen. Are there any men left watching this at all? THE SWITCH … Read More
SUDDENLY 2013
Suddenly Unnecessarily. SUDDENLY is the 2013 remake of the 1954 Frank Sinatra film of the same name. But while the 1954 original is a treatise on guns and war and their effects on society, this remake is a moronic action movie created specifically to give erections to Republicans. Any wonder – it’s directed by Uwe “Toilet” Boll, the groovy ghoulie … Read More