THE 33

Poffy The Cucumber

Deep, dark and whitewashed. 33 men trapped in a mine, arguing over food, water, and who gets to negotiate the book deal. THE 33, a dramatization of the Chilean mine disaster of 2010, is a dichotomy of empathy and outrage. The pendulum swings hard both ways; firstly at the outrage of a mining corporation that would think so little of … Read More

MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Frankenstein’s Mobster. MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN has the reputation for following its infamous source material closely – Mary Shelley’s groundbreaking 1818 novel, Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. The fact that it follows the book only barely, and the fact that people yet put on airs when lauding the movie as authentic shows how much people actually read. Kenneth Branagh directs and … Read More

GHOSTBUSTERS II

Poffy The Cucumber

Why am I drippings with poo? A river of slime threatens New York and brings the Ghostbusters out of retirement. Any excuse to touch tips again… GHOSTBUSTERS II finds original Ghostbusters Ray Stanz (Dan Aykroyd), Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) and Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) reluctantly re-donning the taupe onesies and re-shouldering those unnecessarily heavy ecto-gun backpacks to save New York … Read More

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Darwin: Resurrection In Blue. The all-powerful First Mutant called Apocalypse wakes from a 5,000-year hibernation, ready to spread democracy American style – which means doing everything HIS way. He enhances all mutants’ powers, he razes Auschwitz, he destroys all the world’s nuclear weapons, and he intends to wipe out homo sapiens. I don’t see a problem with any of this. … Read More

GRUDGE MATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Raging Rocky. It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community. It’s old versus older in a rampage to the replaced hip… Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro square off as old – and I do mean old – boxing rivals who ended their careers unbeaten, except by each other – once each! Now, thirty years later, … Read More

THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Angry Birds so Roundy Roundy. A flock of flightless birds on an isolated island has their eggs stolen by a group of pigs. The birds angrily get their eggs back before the pigs can make an omelet. Shakespeare this ain’t. THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE is the animated cartoon based on the “most downloaded freemium game series of all time,” Angry … Read More

NOW YOU SEE ME

Poffy The Cucumber

The closer you look, the less you’ll care… Magician J. Daniel Atlas has a slogan: “The closer you look – the less you’ll see.” Uh, no, I’m actually seeing right into your cliché-riddled screenplay, and your swooping camera moves to misdirect me means that you know that I know what you don’t want me to know… Four smug magicians use … Read More

FANTASTIC FOUR 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Mo’ dark, mo’ fantastic. I honestly don’t see the problem with the maligned 2015 reboot FANTASTIC FOUR, the dark rendition of Marvel’s longest-running superhero team (first published 1961). Good acting, strong themes (involving family, alienation and teamwork), and an eerie discomfiture surrounding the unearthly “powers” of the protagonists, rather than blind, childish, do-gooder acceptance. And featuring the barbecue-rib guy from … Read More

TRANSCENDENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Blandcendence. Johnny versus JARVIS in a battle to the terabyte. Johnny Depp is artificial intelligence scientist Will Caster, who is on the verge of creating the ultimate A.I. computer, when he is gunned down by an anti-tech extremist. Before Will dies, his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) and their scientist best friend Max (Paul Bettany aka Iron Man’s Computer J.A.R.V.I.S.) transfer … Read More

UNBROKEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Well, maybe just a little Broken… Angelina Jolie directs UNBROKEN, the tale of an average Olympic runner/American soldier, Louis Zamperini (1917-2014), who survives insurmountable odds to make it through World War II alive. Whereupon he resumes his average life. Right outa the gate, Jolie’s direction is marvelous! It’s dynamic and detailed, and she’s doing her mentors proud with this, her … Read More

THE LONE RANGER 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

 A stranger Ranger. The Lone Ranger (in radio, television and film) has made Gioachino Rossini’s galloping theme so famous that the term “intellectual” has been defined as “a man who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Wikipedia. No one’s a stranger to the Ranger. Popular in entertainment media since the 1930s, if … Read More

UNFRIENDED

Poffy The Cucumber

Ominous Stranger in a Video Chat: A Bug’s Life. UNFRIENDED takes place in a world where surfing is not really surfing, tweeting is not really tweeting, and friends are not really friends – the computer. A dead friend on facebook joins a video chat with six other high school friends, and one by one, makes them kill themselves. Go, Unoriginal … Read More

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Crush-o, Kill-o, Dest-o-royah! Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown! GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH is the last of the Heisei series (that started with THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984), and finds Godzilla battling a monster spawned from the weapon that killed the original Godzilla in 1954 – the Oxygen Destroyer! [dun dun daaah!] Subtitled “The Death Of Godzilla” (which should give you some … Read More

DADDY’S HOME 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Alpha versus Alfalfa. Milquetoast step-dad versus alpha-male real dad. In a battle to the PG-13 reconciliation. What did you expect? If ever there was a movie begging to be R-rated, and missing many comic opportunities for its vanilla rating, DADDY’S HOME is it. Will Ferrell is Brad, the step-dad trying to connect with two step-kids. He unconditionally loves being their … Read More

I’M STILL HERE

Poffy The Cucumber

Not all there. It’s the biggest Andy Kaufman joke ever played on the public, not played by Andy Kaufman. Joaquin Phoenix takes Hollywood on a long ride in I’M STILL HERE, by proclaiming he is retiring from acting and starting a career in rap music. And Hollywood buys it. It’s a strange animal, this film, because it was originally sold … Read More

SPECTRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre? James Bond 007 discovers the looming nemesis dogging his every move since he was in spy-nappies; the criminal organization for expensive suits and limited edition sportscars – SPECTRE! Daniel Craig, in his fourth outing as James Bond, looks old and makes me tired. French flamehair Léa Seydoux is Madeleine Swann, resident Bond Girl … Read More

KEITH RICHARDS: UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Smoothest Criminal. Nobody wants to get old – but they don’t wanna die young either. — Keith Richards. His face is the underside of a running shoe, his voice is weather-beaten phlegm, his fingers arthritic memories, smoke curling from a constantly-lit cigarette. So this is what Gollum is doing now? No wait, the guy in this documentary is Keith … Read More

KISS | Crazy Nights

Jon Dunmore

Crazy, Crazy Fluff. No No No Thank You. razy Nights, the 14th studio album by KISS, and the fourth in a row to be certified Platinum, is the Unmasked of the unmasked era – the guilty pleasure. Crazy Nights is an anomaly in the KISS discography. Sandwiched between two heavier albums, 1985’s Asylum and 1989’s  Hot In The Shade, Paul … Read More

KISS | Dynasty

Jon Dunmore

No More Magic Touch. ISS disco? KISSCO! Dynasty was billed as The Return of KISS. It was their first studio album as a group after the four KISS Solo Albums. And after the hard rock havoc each member strutted individually in their Solo projects (except for Peter Criss), Dynasty was a shock to the senses, as we find KISS bringing … Read More

KISS | Unmasked

Jon Dunmore

More lick-ass than kick-ass. nmasked should have been called Guilty Pleasure. With its sanitized disco pop and bubblegum bop, Unmasked was a calculated sequel to 1979’s Dynasty. But someone calculated wrong. Because 1 (album of shit) + 1 (album of shit) = more minus-fans than plus-fans. It was the first album since 1975’s Dressed To Kill that would stall at … Read More