THE HANGOVER PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Trying to Capture Lightning in an Alcohol Bottle. “I can’t believe this is happening again!” Ed Helms says in THE HANGOVER PART 2. You and us both, Ed. This movie’s predecessor THE HANGOVER (2009) was not unique, but worked so well because it embraced a kind of GILLIGAN’S ISLAND willful acceptance of its outlandish premise of stranding a clutch of … Read More

HENRY’S CRIME

Poffy The Cucumber

Even-keeled heel steals. He did the time for a bank robbery he didn’t commit. Now that he’s out, he’s really gonna rob that bank. Nice Concept. Might look implausible if the actors don’t tread delicately with utmost conviction. Or unless you can find an actor that stands outside the field of acting altogether and can retain a blank poker face … Read More

HORRIBLE BOSSES

Poffy The Cucumber

Hitchcock… Hitch-Not. Well, two out of three ain’t bad. Two out of three HORRIBLE BOSSES, that is. There’s Kevin Spacey as Boss #1, reprising his role from SWIMMING WITH SHARKS as pure A-Hole; there’s Colin Farrell as Boss #2, creating an eccentric new role for himself as a balding, paunched lunatic. And there’s Jennifer Aniston as Boss #3, supposedly a … Read More

HEREAFTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghost stories for the sensible. HEREAFTER, produced and directed by Clint Eastwood, is a pondering of What’s Next from three very different human perspectives. Clint Eastwood is at that age when we would all be inclined to ponder the possibility of a Hereafter, a Life after Death (by definition, an impossibility, but for many otherwise clear-thinking humans, this paradox makes … Read More

HIGH NOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-Tales of the Old West. HIGH NOON is about being a Man. Surrounded by wussies and pussies. Gary Cooper is Marshall Will Kane, well-loved lawman of a small Western town, marrying his petite blond Quaker bride (Grace Kelly). At his new wife’s behest, he is leaving his tin star behind for a life of rousing inventorying in a General Store. … Read More

HARD CANDY

Poffy The Cucumber

For Unlawful Carnal Carnage. A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right – but not in the way he planned… Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed. (Anonymous) Funny or disgusting? If you’re a schoolboy, it’s hilarious. If you’re a fundamentalist Republican hypocrite, you’ll pretend it’s disgusting to your constituents – until … Read More

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

Poffy The Cucumber

Pinch this one off. Lo, I have given thee cow’s dung for man’s dung, And thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith. –Book of Ezekiel, 4:15 There are certain movies that you should see– nay, that you have to see because they have entered mankind’s memetic consciousness. All your friends will ask, “Have you seen it?!” These are not simply movies … Read More

THE HARD WORD

Poffy The Cucumber

Brother Hood. At long last, an Australian crime actioner with all the guts and grit of any British or American film of this genre. THE HARD WORD is brutally raw and raunchy, pulsing with a truly Aussie spirit and a DownUnda cheekiness. There is much subtext of honor among thieves, mateship and family – nothing we haven’t seen before in … Read More

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Dive in, the water’s awesome. You might consider me ready to join my mandrill brothers on the deep side of crazy for recommending a movie with a title so obviously geared towards acutely-angled foreheads. But you would be wronger than a deep fryer bank machine. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE is the stupidest movie you will see all year. And the … Read More

A HARD DAY’S NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Mop toppery mockery. A legendary band, The Beatles, in a crap film, A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, that resonates as legendary because The Beatles are in it. In this first of the two Beatles films (the other being HELP! 1965), real life rock band The Beatles play a band called The Beatles, who travel from Liverpool to London for a television … Read More

HOSTAGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Like a hostage, we are captive. There’s no denying Bruce Willis has based his career on The John McClane (which is something like The Tom Cruise, only a lot more tolerable) – that intensely smug, sassy maverick. That’s not to say he isn’t a great actor, but The John McClane has woven itself so deeply into Willis’s turbo-charged man-roles over … Read More

HARD BOILED

Poffy The Cucumber

Dirty Hari. Body count: a kajillion. Chow Yun-Fat is Inspector “Tequila” Yuen. He’s a cop who’s been in hot water so long, he’s HARD BOILED. Or maybe it’s cos his face is egg-shaped. He’s on the trail of a gun smuggler crime boss, Johnny Wong (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang, who has the misfortune to look like Jonathan Silverman), but Wong is … Read More

THE HANGOVER

Poffy The Cucumber

Vegas Knights (without amor). What happens in Vegas… uhhh, what happened in Vegas?… It’s not exactly BACHELOR PARTY (1984), but THE HANGOVER is a raunchy surprising stab at lewd, crude, nude immortality. Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) are three friends who wake up in a Vegas hotel room the night after throwing their pal (Justin … Read More

THE HAUNTING

Poffy The Cucumber

Once Upon a Scary Spinster… If you can get past the theatrical acting and the melodrama and the distracting voiceover, THE HAUNTING is a reasonably good horror movie. Scary? In places. Silly? In more places. Still, this may be one of the first True Horror movies, utilizing the audience’s imagination to create its scares. From the novel by Shirley Jackson … Read More

HALLOWEEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Carving Teen on Halloween. Arguably the first Senseless Knife-Kill flick; arguably the first “serial murder” movie mislabeled as “horror”; arguably the only movie to ever use a Captain Kirk mask to scare people. Intentionally rather than accidentally.HALLOWEEN is historical; like FRIDAY THE 13TH and a handful of seminal horror movies that spawned an unstoppable tide of sequels, it has entered … Read More

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

Poffy The Cucumber

So silly it’s scary. THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT is advertised as “the most terrifying movie ever made.” It is. If you’re five. A family moves into a haunted house in Connecticut. Stupid things happen. The End. Okay, okay, so you want some evidence… Right outa the gate: “Based On True Events.” This phrase has become as meaningless as “whiter whites” … Read More

HORTON HEARS A WHO

Poffy The Cucumber

For Whom The Who Tolls. An animated feature that kids will enjoy and adults will find tiresome, HORTON HEARS A WHO! is a Dr. Seuss tale about Horton the elephant in the jungle of Nool, discovering a microscopic city called Whoville on a speck of dust, and vowing to the microscopic mayor to transport the speck to a safe place … Read More

THE HURT LOCKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Heroic Movie about a Non-Heroic War. Baghdad, 2004. THE HURT LOCKER opens with a quote from journalist Chris Hedges: “…war is a drug.” Apparently, a drug not only to its combatants, but on the populace fooled by its “glamour” and on directors who fuel that glamour. Kathryn Bigelow directs this one-note movie – supposedly a horrifying closeup of a bomb … Read More

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Laffing it up lamely, while the world bleeds shamely… In HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn), are mistaken for “terrorists” on a plane to Amsterdam, and are thrown into Guantanamo Bay prison facility, without any trial, legal counsel or investigation. Just the way the criminal Bush Klan like it. Whereas the first … Read More

HAMLET 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Charming Blasphemy, Thy name is Sexy Jesus. Madness in great ones must not unwatch’d go. — Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III, Scene I. It’s blasphemous and filthy and irreverent. And hilarious. HAMLET 2 is GREASE slipping on the banana peel of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR; a ripping satire on “inspirational teacher” films of all stripes, from DANGEROUS MINDS to DEAD POET’S SOCIETY. … Read More