THE KID

Poffy The Cucumber

Kid Rock. Think of the cutest thing you ever saw: the kitten from that last YouTube video, Kate Beckinsale’s nose, the minions from DESPICABLE ME… now multiply that cuteness by 1000. You get – Jackie Coogan as THE KID. Charlie Chaplin writes, directs and stars in this brilliant black and white silent movie about a Tramp (his most famous character) … Read More

KICK-ASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cuddly Carnage. “Okay, you cunts. Let’s see what you can do now!” Call me damaged goods, but I’m in love with Hit-Girl. And if her challenge above is how we approach every moviegoing experience, the moment 11-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz (as Hit-Girl) utters that taunt, the movie proves itself an irreverent, unrepentant, ruthless runaway rocket. In my pants. Based on … Read More

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

When Aunties Collide. Aren’t all lesbians secretly pining for a good hard one? THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT is a new species of homo erectus. It’s a gay-themed movie that doesn’t crow gayness all over its leather chaps; it can afford to be non-offensively mainstream like few other gay-themed movies because its homosexual couple is female – but in going mainstream, … Read More

KILLERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Same story, different models. KILLERS was infinitely more exciting when it was called TRUE LIES. And it was funnier when it was called MR AND MRS SMITH. And didn’t someone just make this movie and call it KNIGHT AND DAY? The old gag about the woman not knowing her husband/ lover/ taut-abbed stranger is a spy. Ashton Kutcher is spy … Read More

KNIGHT AND DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission: Implausible. A movie built around its stunts. Ergo, if the audience was purely stuntpeople, KNIGHT AND DAY is awesome! But we’re just regular little cucumbers out here in the fluttering dark. As much as it thrills me to see a car flip over and miss Tom Cruise’s head by inches (even though thrills would have magnified had it connected), … Read More

KILL BILL VOLUME 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Bridal Power. Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. — William Congreve, “The Mourning Bride” (1697). The second installment of Quentin Tarantino’s KILL BILL masterpiece blasts in with “Chapter Six”– Yes, a movie starting at Chapter Six is audacious enough, but this chapter itself is a flashback to the … Read More

KILL BILL VOLUME 1

Poffy The Cucumber

Revenge is a Bumblebee. Revenge is a dish best served cold. — opening text, KILL BILL, VOL. 1 Something about Uma Thurman in her yellow and black top-to-toe leather, lopping limbs and severing arteries – how hot is that?! Quentin Tarantino writes and directs KILL BILL VOLUME 1, an epic masterpiece of simple brutal story, brutally vicious direction, viciously creative … Read More

THE KARATE KID

Poffy The Cucumber

Wax On, Whacks Off. A bean stem moves to a new school in Los Angeles and proceeds to take regular beatings from the school bullies for sniffing around the head bully’s ex-girl. He takes karate lessons from that guy from HAPPY DAYS – karate not for philosophy or exercise or disciplinem but to beat up the bullies. Two wrongs make … Read More

KEVORKIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

No pain. No gain. The most unpleasant truth he taught us is that we are a whole country in denial about death. –from KEVORKIAN. We can’t put it off any longer. None of us is getting any younger. You’re going to have to talk about it sometime. And you’re not going to like it. As inevitable as gravity, one day … Read More

KISS EXPOSED

Poffy The Cucumber

The KISStory Starts Here. Created three years after Kiss dropped their characteristic makeup, KISS EXPOSED is anything but an exposé on Kiss. Matter of fact, like the makeup days, it only enhances the mystery of what the band members are really like “in real life.” Part history (sorry, KISStory), part mockumentary; part music videos (current and vintage), part comedy, part … Read More

THE KILLER

Poffy The Cucumber

If you can see past the bullets… Give a guy a gun, he thinks he’s Superman. Give him two and he thinks he’s God. — John Woo’s HARD BOILED. Some call John Woo‘s THE KILLER the pinnacle of balletic, bulletic, action art. Well, it’s a pinnacle all right – of something. Not really a ballet, unless you count the hundreds … Read More

KISS KISS BANG BANG

Poffy The Cucumber

Lethal Schleppin’. A petty thief (Robert Downey Jr.) finds himself allied with a gay private detective (Val Kilmer) and thrown into a Los Angeles murder mystery. It’s like LETHAL WEAPON if Riggs and Murtaugh were totally incompetent. KISS KISS BANG BANG is a self-aware, wry action comedy, from a book by Brett Halliday (Bodies Are Where You Find Them), directed … Read More

KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit Kicking. When people make movies this bad, do they attend their premieres? I really wanna know. How do they show their faces? I guess “comedies” like KICKIN IT OLD SCHOOL must appeal to some kind of illiterate unschooled trailer-trash drool-toothed dipsticks, otherwise somebody fellated some major pole to get this greenlighted. Was it the minimal “draw” of comedians Jamie … Read More

KNOCKED UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Stretchmark Benchmark. Marriage is an institution. And you have to be crazy to be in an institution. — Gene Simmons. One could say KNOCKED UP is writer-director Judd Apatow’s baby – and as malformed as the rest of his hobgoblin brood. Seth Rogen is Ben, a shiftless layabout (rooming with a menagerie of oafs: Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, … Read More

KUNG FU PANDA

Poffy The Cucumber

Movie: Chop Socky. Message: Kung Fooey. With astounding cinematography, well-written characters, directorial creativity, incredible technical prowess and stunning animation, KUNG FU PANDA only lacks in one department – its message that Prophecy Is Better Than Practice. Directed with kinetic frenzy by Mark Osborne and John Stevenson like Michael Bay meets John Woo, the awesomeness of the Panda is diluted with … Read More

THE KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

My Kingdom for a (war)horse… If LIONS FOR LAMBS was the cerebral, intelligent take on the Iraq War, THE KINGDOM is the action-packed, piss-your-pants rejoinder – both written by Matthew Michael Carnahan (who should probably be investigated by the CIA for all the inside information he brings to these military stories). Peter Berg starred in LIONS as a strong, sure … Read More

THE KITE RUNNER

Poffy The Cucumber

A Wimp’s Tale. I know I’ll get lambasted for approaching this movie from a less-than-arty-farty angle, but just because a film is in a foreign language (Dari with English subtitles), and thematically covers honor, justice, manhood, and involves child-rape, terrorism and kite-flying in the Middle East – doesn’t mean it should automatically be discussed in hushed, honorary whispers. THE KITE … Read More

KING KONG 1976

Poffy The Cucumber

Ape-tastrophe! In any Ape Movie, the quality of the movie is entirely dependent on the Ape Effects: the original KING KONG (1933) was a revolution in stop-motion special effects; MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949) continued that legacy; 1968’s PLANET OF THE APES boasted state-of-the-art creature makeup coupled with attentive simian performances; GREYSTOKE (1984) pushed the limits of performance and makeup with … Read More

KING OF KINGS

Poffy The Cucumber

Jesus: The Man, The Myth, The Model. KING OF KINGS is the definitive Catholic document: not really religious, not really holy, not really accurate. Just the way Catholics like it. This movie did for Jesus what Richard Burton did for Roman accents. Being raised in a Catholic household and inculcated to believe that my every living act should be aimed … Read More

KICKING AND SCREAMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Aiming Low, Scoring Lower. KICKING AND SCREAMING is simply a Disney Message waiting to happen. Phil Weston (Will Ferrell) coaches a little league soccer team of shiftless misfits against his super-competitive dad, Buck (Robert Duvall), whose team is top dog. As counter-intuitive as it may seem in pitting Duvall against Ferrell as rival coaches, think how absolutely ludicrous it is … Read More