MACHINE GUN PREACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebel With A Cause. Chronicling the true story of an American religious convert in Sudan, MACHINE GUN PREACHER stars Gerard Butler as Sam Childers, a Pennsylvania ex-con who found his calling rescuing kidnapped children from militant terrorist mobs in Africa. It’s an incredible tale, commendable, inspiring, honorable, humane and laudable… … and by “laudable” I mean “Lord-able”… And that’s where … Read More

STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING

Poffy The Cucumber

One Lasting Thing. The title taken from his infamous stage patter when he would reveal yet another innovation in a device we thought was already tapped out with cool, STEVE JOBS: ONE LAST THING documents the incredible life of innovator, entrepreneur and Apple founder Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011), showing the good, the bad and the techno. Mainly from other people’s … Read More

THE SITTER 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Somewhere over the pain flow. Jonah Hill as the Wizard of Oz! Over the course of the unfunny road comedy, THE SITTER, where Hill finds himself babysitting three of the most annoying kids in the world, he reveals to each of them their true inner desires that are causing them to improperly channel their energies into being three of the … Read More

IN TIME

Poffy The Cucumber

Money Is Time Is Life. Time is money. Time is life. Time is everything IN TIME; a prescient concept underlying an enjoyable actioner that seems urgently plausible because we’re actually living it now. Justin Timberlake stars as Will Salas in this ingenious thought experiment by writer-director Andrew Niccol (LORD OF WAR), where people are genetically engineered to live until 25, … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS

Poffy The Cucumber

Too mysterious for its own smart. SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS is director Guy Ritchie’s brash, bombastic, brainy and body-shaved sequel to his 2009 SHERLOCK HOLMES. Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) takes on Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris) in a battle as much to do with wits as hits. Along with friend, confidant and eternally disgruntled crimefighting partner Dr. Watson (Jude … Read More

A DANGEROUS METHOD

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A Lecherous Method. Ah yes, the hunt for puss. Isn’t that why we’re all here? To hunt or be hunted? Director David Cronenberg turns what could be a grand journey into the minds of two extraordinary psychoanalysts (Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud) into angling at puss. Ironically, that’s what the grand journey of these two minds arrived at – that … Read More

CARNAGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Pwnage. Two couples whose sons were involved in a school fight meet to discuss how to deal with their sons. And fight. Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly are Penelope and Michael Longstreet, whose son lost two teeth being hit with a stick by the son of Nancy and Alan Cowan (Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz). Film opens with Penelope … Read More

APOLLO 18

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Mare Intranquilitatis. APOLLO 18 is the first true space-horror movie since ALIEN (1979). In this minimalist thriller, two American astronauts in 1972 are sent on a secret mission to the Moon in Apollo 18 – to stop the USSR doing something-something-who-cares-McGuffin – and find they are not alone. For the youngsters, Apollo17 was the last real manned mission to the … Read More

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

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A planet where apes evolved from James Franco? PLANET OF THE APES (1968) was about a man trying to find himself in an Apes’ world; RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is about an ape trying to find himself in a Man’s world. Dispensing with all the Tim Burton monkey business, RISE is a sober and epic thriller on … Read More

OUR IDIOT BROTHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Our Idiot Movie.  A gentle, gullible soul causes problems for his three sisters with his big mouth. OUR IDIOT BROTHER is Paul Rudd. Busted for selling dope to a police officer (who was in uniform and asking for dope), Ned (Rudd) has just exited jail, with no job and nowhere to live, so juggles his time between his three sisters, … Read More

LIFE OF PI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Gripe with Pi. Get rid of all the religiosity and Ang Lee’s LIFE OF PI would be an intriguing adventure and unique thought experiment. But with the muck of God pervading every second line of dialogue, it makes me want to crucify somebody. Indian teen Pi Patel (Suraj Sharma) is onboard a ship, journeying with his family from India … Read More

THE IDES OF MARCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Et Tu, Gosling? Campaigns turn our politicians into lunatics. — Tina Brown, “The Daily Beast.” THE IDES OF MARCH opens with campaign manager Steve Meyers (Ryan Gosling) at a podium, spotlit, declaring, “I’m not a Christian, I’m not an atheist. What I believe in is the Constitution of the United States of America.” He is reciting from prepared notes for … Read More

SHAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Pure sex, hold the shame. After watching SHAME, George Clooney joked to Michael Fassbender, “You could play golf with that thing!” Fassbender (X-MEN: FIRST CLASS) is Brandon: office guy, New York apartment, sex addict. He regularly hires prostitutes, masturbates at work in the toilet, picks up random flings and fucks them in alleys, owns a ton of porn magazines, and … Read More

RIO

Poffy The Cucumber

Rio de Generic. Named RIO, one would expect a flashy, exuberant, carnivale dance-a-vale rainbow spectacle. One would be wrong. Rather, an uninvolving tale of a rare blue macaw and his intended mate on the run from poachers, while his owner and her soon-to-be mate try to track them down. Cue seen-it-a-million-times face. Jesse Eisenberg voices Blu the parrot, abandoned at … Read More

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 1

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Breaking Wind, Fart 1. The two-part laborious conclusion to the most trivial love story ever told, TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1, opens with a wedding sequence, exactly like the one in THE GODFATHER, with two small differences: it’s not about New York Crime Families, and it’s not good. Edward the Vampire (Hayden Christensen doppelganger Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan the … Read More

MONEYBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

When Statistics Became Sexy. Brad Pitt ends MONEYBALL with, “How can you not be romantic about baseball?” which is ironic, because he just spent the whole movie deconstructing The Great American Pastime’s romanticism with “sabermetrics” (a clinical mathematical process that focuses purely on statistics to choose players), wheeling and dealing at the highest levels of the baseball industry with wrath-of-God … Read More

SEASON OF THE WITCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Witchy Poo. In medieval Europe, Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman must transport an alleged witch to a faraway monastery for the monks to decide her fate. Let the comedy begin– I mean, drama– I mean–cough–hairstyle. SEASON OF THE WITCH has all the makings of a solid supernatural thriller, with an excellent, hair-raising opening sequence (a monk hangs three “witches” from … Read More

I AM NUMBER FOUR

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NUMBER FOUR is number two. Like a turd falling from the sky and hitting every branch of the Cliché Tree on the way down, I AM NUMBER FOUR dumps on us by way of TWILIGHT and the Uncanny X-Men. And every other superhero/teen/action/alien movie it can possibly steal from. A couple of sexy aliens are fugitives on Earth from a … Read More

JUST GO WITH IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Going for mangina. And succeeding. Well played, Mr. Sandler! He’s a bachelor wooing a younger girl with the lie that he will soon be divorced, and getting Jennifer Aniston to JUST GO WITH IT and pose as his ex to aid the ruse. It’s dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed … Read More

EYES OF THE MOTHMAN

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Sleepy sleepy creepy creepy. Wake me when the Wamsley’s over. Jeff Wamsley – Mothman aficionado and Night Ranger enthusiast. Is it possible to make a more pointless and boring documentary about something which is pretty eerie even to skeptics? In EYES OF THE MOTHMAN, writer-director Matthew J. Pellowski delves into the legends behind the infamous, mysterious Mothman – an undefined … Read More