THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Diarrhetic Daisy Chain. Madder, badder. Slicker, sicker. After the cult success of the horror-porn novelty THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (2010), writer-director Tom Six promised us a sequel where twelve people would be joined together. We thought he was crazy. Then he went and made THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2. Now we know he’s crazy. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 takes all that was … Read More

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THE HANGOVER PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Trying to Capture Lightning in an Alcohol Bottle. “I can’t believe this is happening again!” Ed Helms says in THE HANGOVER PART 2. You and us both, Ed. This movie’s predecessor THE HANGOVER (2009) was not unique, but worked so well because it embraced a kind of GILLIGAN’S ISLAND willful acceptance of its outlandish premise of stranding a clutch of … Read More

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IMMORTALS

Poffy The Cucumber

None More Shirtless. Visual gluttony! No matter what you may think about IMMORTALS as a grandiose movie, a confused mythological tale, or an action fantasy diversion — goddam, it looks good! Call the filmstock developers! Someone spilled sepia tone and iron filings all over our print! And tell those guys to put some shirts on! IMMORTALS follows ancient Greek mythological … Read More

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MARGIN CALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Poop Swim Eat. Beautifully staged, excellently performed and brilliantly explained, J.C. Chandor’s conference-table thriller is about the financial crash of 2008, and the 700 billion dollar American bailout that followed. But nowhere does MARGIN CALL give us a date, place or corporation name; it shows us AnyCompany, Inc., populated by AnySharks dealing with EveryOne’s money. It is a story … Read More

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THE UNDEFEATED

Poffy The Cucumber

Set to Spin: How Sarah Palin Saved America by Losing the Election. Sarah Palin, the most polarizing and laughable “politician” to ever shamelessly, undeservedly grace a world stage, has her laundry cleaned in this spin-doctored hallelujah chorus. When she ran for the vice presidency of the United States in 2008, she was defeated; when she returned to her post as … Read More

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THE CONSPIRATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

The SYSTEM is the conspiracy! We’re gonna put the SYSTEM on trial! — Jim Carrey, THE CABLE GUY. If you were wondering why director Robert Redford would re-litigate Abraham Lincoln’s assassination on film (how many times can they sink the Titanic, right?), then defer to Redford’s rationale: “It’s a story that no one knows about, connected to a story that … Read More

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HENRY’S CRIME

Poffy The Cucumber

Even-keeled heel steals. He did the time for a bank robbery he didn’t commit. Now that he’s out, he’s really gonna rob that bank. Nice Concept. Might look implausible if the actors don’t tread delicately with utmost conviction. Or unless you can find an actor that stands outside the field of acting altogether and can retain a blank poker face … Read More

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REAL STEEL

Poffy The Cucumber

Steel with Real Feel. I can’t tell if this is massively retarded, or ultra cool. wtf. –YouTube comment. I’m going to officially declare this movie hella enjoyable. It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL? … Read More

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THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bismillah! Noooo! We will not let you go! THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE flies high on the performance of one man. Playing two men. Dominic Cooper. In a star-making turn, Cooper plays Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday, and the body-double that Uday blackmails into his service, Latif Yahia. And they both look like Freddie Mercury! Every politician needs a body double, for those pesky … Read More

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HORRIBLE BOSSES

Poffy The Cucumber

Hitchcock… Hitch-Not. Well, two out of three ain’t bad. Two out of three HORRIBLE BOSSES, that is. There’s Kevin Spacey as Boss #1, reprising his role from SWIMMING WITH SHARKS as pure A-Hole; there’s Colin Farrell as Boss #2, creating an eccentric new role for himself as a balding, paunched lunatic. And there’s Jennifer Aniston as Boss #3, supposedly a … Read More

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BRIDESMAIDS

Poffy The Cucumber

Marriage of heaven and hell. One blond (Kristen Wiig), one brunette (Rose Byrne) and one fatty (Melissa McCarthy). Covering all the demos, are we? BRIDESMAIDS was advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad. About a lonely bridesmaid (Wiig) who battles another snobbish bridesmaid (Byrne) for the affections of the ugly bride (Maya Rudolph). … Read More

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RED RIDING HOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Lycan-nope. My, what big eyes Amanda Seyfried has! RED RIDING HOOD is a reimagining of the children’s tale about the talking wolf that eats grandmother. What better way to represent an anthropomorphized lupine than making it – a WEREWOLF? As this mysterious werewolf stalks a medieval village, we constantly ask ourselves, “Why don’t I feel any foreboding or tension? Why … Read More

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DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Doggy doo. Brandon Routh is soooo Christopher Reeve. He wasn’t this much Christopher Reeve even when he was Superman. You would think that anyone who hired Reeve – I mean, Routh – post-SUPERMAN RETURNS (after which he was unfairly stripped of the cape), would cast him as a character as far from the Man of Steel as possible, but in … Read More

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THE 99 PERCENT

Poffy The Cucumber

When Lambs Become Lions. There’s an old proverb attributed to the Chinese, “May you live in interesting times.” It’s not a blessing, it’s a curse. Yet there’s a certain “blessing” to being privy to these historical times: I have lived to see the event that exacerbated America’s racism – 9/11; the man who changed the way the world communicated – … Read More

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CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Muscles, magic, tits and blood. Just how much blood can spurt out of a human body when it’s slashed with a sword? Seems like you could fill a good-sized mopping bucket… CONAN THE BARBARIAN adheres dutifully to the sword and sorcery flow chart: big-chested Hero, big-chested Damsel, magical Villain seeking unlimited power; sword fights, quest for vengeance, damsel in distress, … Read More

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COWBOYS AND ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

A shallow ripple in the Force. Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie? At some point, I wondered whether it was just a tax write-off for Stephen Spielberg, who seems to have phoned in his producer’s credit on this one. At least he hired Han Solo. A cowboy (Daniel Craig) wakes in the … Read More

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BAD TEACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

BAD TEACHER not good. It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly. Foul-mouthed gold-digger Elizabeth (Diaz) takes a teaching job for a year while she cultivates her sugar daddy into marriage. When he dumps her before … Read More

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THE CHANGE-UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Another change-up, another plage-up. How many times have we seen this movie? THE CHANGE-UP is the latest mystical body-switching movie from the venal plagiarists in the Hollywood Cookie Cutter Industrial Complex who have the audacity to call themselves writers. At least it’s funny. Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) and Dave (Jason Bateman) are best friends but lead diametrically opposite lifestyles – Mitch … Read More

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TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Big things breaking bigger things. I’m sure the budget of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON could wipe out Liberia’s deficit, so why can’t they afford passable look-alikes for Kennedy and Obama? And while they’re at it, how about a more adept graphic designer, so that when we see a picture of Obama and LeBeouf together, it DOESN’T look Photoshopped?! Director … Read More

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THOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Godliness is next to prettiness. Director Kenneth Branagh brings THOR to the big screen with all the respect that a Thunder God deserves and all the cut obliques that a woman craves. And having Mr. Branagh at the helm explains the preponderance of British accents. Banished to Earth for his arrogance, the Norse god of bad weather, Thor, must learn … Read More

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