The Jedi Mind(less) Trick. Another day. Another Death Star. In the last of the STAR WARS hexology, the Galactic Empire has returned with another planet-sized space station to terrorize the galaxy. And the Rebel Alliance has returned to break it. The Jedi Knights have returned as well, with Luke Skywalker continuing the legacy of the humorless old farts by dressing … Read More
PEARL HARBOR
Pearl Before Swine. In garish detail and stunning investigative probing, PEARL HARBOR digs deep below the surface of the gasoline embargoes and jingoistic fomenting and reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models. You see, Ben loves Kate. And Kate loves Ben. But Ben’s best friend, Josh, also likes Kate. … Read More
STAR TREK 2009
All-New, All-Improved, Same-ole Same ole. If this don’t keep the fanboys happy, nothin’ will. How do you approach a movie as sodden in mythos as the STAR TREK franchise? The approach must be as trepidatious for film makers as it is for geekboys and weekend viewers alike. Every inch of a production under the STAR TREK aegis would reek of … Read More
THE READER
Bedtime for Hitler. Post-Nazi West Germany. A young boy vomits on the street in a rainstorm, in Neustadt, 1958. An older woman helps him. What follows? Full frontal sex, sex and much more sex. In between reading, reading and much more reading. Well, the movie is called THE READER, a heavy-handed, manipulative “romance” tale that will tear-jerk those who are inclined … Read More
THE TERMINATOR
Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold). Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone – hang on, that could be any of his movies. But this movie made him what he is today. What, the Governor of California?… When THE TERMINATOR was released … Read More
JAWS
A Whale of a Tale. Da… dun… Da-dun… Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun Dun-dun – toodle-oooo (those are the French horns)… When Steven Spielberg first heard John Williams‘s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing? They just don’t make ’em like this anymore. Matter of fact, even this film’s director, Mr. Household-Name himself, Steven … Read More
MILK
Got Rights? Life really did begin at 40 for Harvey Milk. Unfortunately, it ended at 48. MILK follows the short, comet-across-the-skies career of Harvey Milk (Sean Penn), the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America. We meet Milk in the waning hours of his 39th birthday, picking up a stranger (James Franco … Read More
GLADIATOR
Unleashing Helle. Truly GLADIATOR is the stuff of great fiction; a story so well-orchestrated and superbly told, there might well have been in Roman history a general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who won an Oscar. But – as they used to say in ancient Rome – “only in Hollywood…” Russell Crowe is … Read More
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Hip to be Slumdog. I’m gonna get skewered for this – but only if you are not aware of the land of my forecumbers. Just as black people are the only ones allowed to call each other N-Words, my cucumber patch being originally from Madras earns me the right to satire paka Indian-English and get away with it. He’s not … Read More
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Bloody Awesome. I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. – Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis), THERE WILL BE BLOOD. In the words of Jack’s Joker, “I like him already.” Yet I fear him like I’ve feared no other man. Speaking of Jokers, Daniel Day-Lewis is probably the only person on Earth who could replace Heath Ledger in a … Read More
THE DARK KNIGHT
Do not go gentle into that good knight… Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. – Dylan Thomas If Batman is the untamed world, The Joker is the unbalanced world. THE DARK KNIGHT tells us humanity lives somewhere in between. … Read More
THE SONG OF BERNADETTE
Song Sung Kazoo. CAVEAT LECTOR: This one’s not for everyone: if you’ve ever tried healing your gammy leg or brain cancer by visiting a TV preacher and “believing” that god will heal you – you might want to entreat your invisible, unseen, unheard, unfelt deity to strike me down for this article. Let’s see if I outrage His Imaginary Highness enough… … Read More
WALL-E
Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto! Earth. 700 years in the desolate future. A small robot that looks like E.T. crossed with the Mars Rover Sojourner blissfully rolls along on little tank treads, compacting trash into cubes that he builds into towering trash skyscrapers. He is a Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth class – WALL-E. Humankind has abandoned the ravaged Earth, leaving … Read More
KING KONG 1976
Ape-tastrophe! In any Ape Movie, the quality of the movie is entirely dependent on the Ape Effects: the original KING KONG (1933) was a revolution in stop-motion special effects; MIGHTY JOE YOUNG (1949) continued that legacy; 1968’s PLANET OF THE APES boasted state-of-the-art creature makeup coupled with attentive simian performances; GREYSTOKE (1984) pushed the limits of performance and makeup with … Read More
ALIENS
The Warrior/Goddess Dichotomy and the Eternal Feminine. ALIENS! Leaping, screeching, hissing, grabbing – hellish armies of H.R. Giger’s inscrutable extra-terrestrial life forms, swarming killing machines going elongated-head to jar-head with the United States Marines (Roger Ramjet Space Division, Glib Company). Writer-Director James Cameron helms this sequel to one of the landmark space/horror films of our time, ALIEN (1979). And it … Read More
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
New Killer. Old Hairstyle. Quietude. West Texas veldt. 1980. A lone gunman (Josh Brolin) hunting game comes upon a slaughter scene: a handful of Mexicans dead in their clustered pickup trucks on the barren plain, massive heroin blocks untouched in the bed of one truck. The gunman follows a blood trail to another dead man clutching a leather briefcase stuffed … Read More
SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
Slashing Singing Scissorhands. Edward Scissorhands is all grown up! Never more apparent than when Johnny Depp (as the eponymous demon barber, Sweeney Todd) holds aloft a gleaming razor and boldly affirms in song: “At last! My right arm is complete again!” (My Friends.) Violent, gruesome, blackly hilarious, deliriously entertaining, director Tim Burton’s vision of SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF … Read More
THE AVIATOR
That Magnificent Man and His Flying Machines. A powerful biopic of sex, insanity and aeroplanes. In any order. Martin Scorsese directs THE AVIATOR based loosely on the life of Howard Hughes, with Leonardo DiCaprio adequately filling the shoes and flying the skies of the eccentric billionaire. (Leo’s star status slightly distracts, as does his phony accent. Jim Carrey – originally … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE V – THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Empirical Satirical. Why is THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, the first of the STAR WARS sequels/prequels, the best of the STAR WARS franchise? Why did it cause such a disturbance in our pants? I considered long and hard and watched it again to assure myself that it was not just our collective imagination. It’s not. Collective imagination, that is. And it … Read More
THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
While watching this movie, comparison between the mad past President of Uganda and the mad current President of America becomes unavoidable. This review somehow skews into that of full-blooded political rant somewhere east of crazy town, where Cheney and Rice enjoy peaceful Middle Eastern town strolls with John McCain in Kevlar vests. Apologies. – Poffy the Cucumber. Acid Reign. No … Read More