Seen it once, SAW it again… The opening scene of SAW II is as compelling and horrifying as anything you will ever see as a human being with pain receptors: A man wakes in a dungeon with an open bear trap locked around his neck, lined with nails. It is on a timer to snap shut on his head, but … Read More
STATE OF PLAY
ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN meets Blackwater. Politics, conspiracy, murder – is the STATE OF PLAY. And Rachel McAdams looking tastier than Christmas dinner. A murdered congressional aide is linked to Republican Congressman, Stephen Collins (Ben Affleck, playing it straighter than Tom Cruise’s public persona) in a sex scandal that leads to questions regarding his links to a no-bid, war-profiteering contractor, … Read More
STAR TREK: GENERATIONS
Generation Pap. The Death of Kirk! You know these filmmakers are going to hell for this, right? STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was meant to showcase the TREK TV spinoff, THE NEXT GENERATION; instead, the singular event on all our minds is how Kirk is going to eat it. The Original Series fans would dread the moment, yet obsessively study it with … Read More
STEP BROTHERS
Steps in it. Will Ferrell as Adam Sandler and John C. Reilly as a funny Will Ferrell. Both 40 going on 14. Both thrown together as step brothers when their single parents (Richard Jenkins and Mary Steenburgen) marry; set in their ways, yet forced to share the same house, they must somehow find a way to co-exist – or this … Read More
STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER
The Final Affront Here. Shatner directs! Oh, what a marvelous disaster! From William Shatner‘s book, Star Trek Movie Memories, we read about his grandiloquent vision for the greatest TREK adventure of all – the search for God Itself! The Final Frontier! We learn of the hordes of barbarians at the gate, of the ten Rock Men finale; of the sweeping … Read More
STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK
The Search for Plot. The rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated. It was a fantastic climax, bringing tears to the eyes of Terrans and Vulcans alike, as Spock (Leonard Nimoy) bad his final farewell through perspex, busting his Live Long and Prosper sign while face to face with his lifelong friend whom he could not touch, radiation eating … Read More
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE
Attack of The Motionless Picture. I read Kirk’s book. Laden with anecdotes from the making of seven STAR TREK movies, William Shatner’s Star Trek Movie Memories (co-author, Chris Kenski), is – alas – light years more entertaining than the movies it describes. Shatner’s candor and dry wit propels Movie Memories like the warp drive on his vaunted Enterprise chariot. Alas, … Read More
STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN
Yes We Khaaaaan! Can we find anyone in the galaxy who can chew more cheese onscreen than James Tiberius Kirk? Yes We Khan! In STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, Ricardo Montalban (as Khan Noonien Singh) joins the regular cast of three actors (Shatner, Nimoy, Kelley) and four extras posing as actors (Doohan, Takei, Koenig, Nichols) in the feature … Read More
SPECIES
Darwin never looked so good. It’s ALIEN with a spectacular pair of natural knockers. Designed by H.R. Giger – the alien species, not the knockers – a half-human, half-alien life form called Sil (Natasha Henstridge in her human form) escapes from a SETI facility and goes on a rampage fucking everyone. In the Biblical sense. And then fucking them in … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE VI – RETURN OF THE JEDI
The Jedi Mind(less) Trick. Another day. Another Death Star. In the last of the STAR WARS hexology, the Galactic Empire has returned with another planet-sized space station to terrorize the galaxy. And the Rebel Alliance has returned to break it. The Jedi Knights have returned as well, with Luke Skywalker continuing the legacy of the humorless old farts by dressing … Read More
STAR TREK 2009
All-New, All-Improved, Same-ole Same ole. If this don’t keep the fanboys happy, nothin’ will. How do you approach a movie as sodden in mythos as the STAR TREK franchise? The approach must be as trepidatious for film makers as it is for geekboys and weekend viewers alike. Every inch of a production under the STAR TREK aegis would reek of … Read More
SEVEN POUNDS
Heavy. Seven deadly sins. Seven ways to win. Seven holy paths to hell And your trip begins… — Iron Maiden, Moonchild. When Will Smith gives you his heart, he REALLY gives you his heart… A love story that will disturb you. Now that’s more like it! But more than a love story. An emotional puzzle that won’t let you stop thinking … Read More
STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE
A Legend Unravels… Twenty years ago, I liked Michael Jackson. Everyone did. Twenty years ago, I liked STAR WARS. Everyone did. Look what happened to Michael Jackson. Look what happened to STAR WARS. Both these entities were done in NOT by lack of funding, backstabbing competitors or unbalanced advisors. Ironically, they brought their downfalls on themselves through a surfeit of … Read More
SIGNS
Cream of the Crop Circles. SIGNS is a storytelling masterpiece from writer-director, M. Night Shyamalan; a master moviemaker’s layered mosaic of fear, faith, family – and alien invasion. Don’t let the “alien” thing throw you – like every Night thriller, SIGNS is not of the Running and Screaming stripe, rather, a beautifully crafted lesson in film “making”; creative angles, smart … Read More
SUPERBAD
Superbad: The Quest for Piece. It’s juvenile. It’s simple. It’s stupid. But it’s so good, it’s SUPERBAD. For the Now Generation of nerds. The age-old tale of three underage dorks on a quest for alcohol and chicks in one eventful night, where life happens while they’re trying to live it. We’ve seen this all before (DAZED AND CONFUSED, 1993; THE … Read More
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Hip to be Slumdog. I’m gonna get skewered for this – but only if you are not aware of the land of my forecumbers. Just as black people are the only ones allowed to call each other N-Words, my cucumber patch being originally from Madras earns me the right to satire paka Indian-English and get away with it. He’s not … Read More
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
Call of the Simpsons. SIMPSONS fans will no doubt love it and pet it and call it Krusty. Newcomers will laugh and marvel at this old-fashioned “cartooning” thing. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE is pretty much a SIMPSONS television episode. No better, no worse. Just longer. Which means it is very good – but we are left pondering the fiscal wisdom of … Read More
SAW
To Die For. It’s all about the story, innit? SAW dives into its second act in its first minute: Two men in a subterranean TRAINSPOTTING bathroom, chained by their ankles to steel pipes at opposite ends of the room. A dead man lies in a pool of blood on the floor; in his hands, a gun and microcassette player. The … Read More
SHOOT ‘EM UP
Love it. Hate it. You won’t fall asleep. I mean, really! How sensible do you think a movie called SHOOT ‘EM UP could possibly be? Just sit back and enjoy Clive Owen in his natural habitat (factory streets grimier than Guy Ritchie could possibly imagine), in his usual plumage (Hard Guy Long Overcoat, perpetual five o’clock shadow), plying his chosen … Read More
STOP-LOSS
Nothing Stops the Loss. “FUCK THE PRESIDENT!” I didn’t say it. Ryan Phillippe did. In its stunning 37th minute, STOP-LOSS gets raw as Staff Sergeant Brandon King (Phillippe) protests being “stop-lossed” – involuntarily deployed again after his voluntary service to the U.S. military has ended. The Stop-Loss program is exactly what it sounds like: a fine print clause in military … Read More